Monday, December 21, 2009

Holidays and what not...

It has been a long 14 days since I have logged anything or exercised. Have not blogged in those 14 days I gained 2.5 pounds, but with the way I have been eating and all the holiday food and sweets I am thankful that I have not gained more. I went shopping at the mall today and I felt like a 300 pound woman trying to shop in the skinny girl stores, the looks the lack of help was just enough to bring me down again. Now I am more than in titled to shop at these stores and the stuff in them does fit me. I got 2 pair of size 15 jeans at the wet seal for 16 bucks, you cannot beat that. Aside from the frustration of looks and what not I did have a good time shopping and just because I felt like a 300 pound woman does not mean I am. I am at 185.5 and I am going to try to get back on track, I mean I didn't really do to bad I still watch what I do eat, I have just been eating too many cookies and too much cheese. Those are my vices, I gave them both up and now I cannot get enough! With this weather and the holidays things have been tough but I am going to slowly get myself back into moving more and doing my videos. I have a Elliptical that has been sitting in my office since May 09 and I have used it maybe 6 times, I'm debating on whether or not I want to try and sell it since it is practically new, or use it. I don't want my Bf to have wasted a good chunk of money.

Monday, December 14, 2009

The shoes

I have been sick, depressed and aunt flow has been visiting. Sucks havnt gotten anything done at all. managed to get a pic of my little black dress up LOL... here are the shoes and that is all for today.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

up .5 pounds, Meh... and this weekends plans

scale said 183 pounds, up .5 pounds... Is it really true that your muscles tear when you do strength training and weights and they hold on to water to repair? That is what it is then! Next Friday is a new week and I should be working on level 2 of my 30 day shred. Tomorrow is a shopping day with my aunt, when we go shopping we can be gone walking around for Hours and hours, I hope to burn allot of calories. Hope everyone has a great weekend!!!

Friday, December 4, 2009

Looking for healthy Substitutions for Holiday Baking...

I am looking for Healthy substitutions to classic baking recipes... Preferably Chocolate chip cookies, oatmeal raisin, peanut butter and Sugar cookies. I know that I can sub 1/2 the flour with wheat and the Egg with whites, but what about oil/butter and sugar?? Any ideas would be helpful!!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Black Spaghetti strap dress...

Today I got to do a little Christmas shopping with a friend of mine that I have not seen in awhile. It was nice to get out and away from the house and have some girl time since i very very rarely get due to lack of friends. I bought myself some really nice things today, went shopping for others but couldn't pass up what I found. I found a Black Spaghetti strap dress that was Killer and looks good on too. cost me 11 bucks. I will wear it for Christmas and post a picture, I also got some freaking hot shoes and a purse as well. I will be posting those too. Eating and working out this week has been awesome i have been doing great and it really feels good. Friday is Weigh in day and I am hoping for some nice numbers. Day 4 of Shred rocked and I pushed myself. Happy Friday Everyone!!!

Monday, November 30, 2009

Title's suck

This is so random and not really weight loss related but...
I have the hardest time coming up with a title to my posts, anyone else have that problem?
I feel like if the title sucks and doesn't jump out no one will be interested lol...

An unrelated note, weighed myself this morning, 182.5 wow that's insane yesterday i weighed 185.5 that's 3 pounds. I am going to say that it was from all the sodium laden foods and stress. I did so well yesterday with eating, my log was all green, didn't work out but I am going to restart my 30 day shred and this time I making a promise to myself that I am going to stick with it! Happy Monday everyone!!

Sunday, November 29, 2009

up 5 1/2 pounds and only myself to blame!

Ive been super bad, gained 5 1/2 pounds back and I am dissapointed in myself. Today I am getting back on track and this time I am staying there. no more excuses and no more crappy eating, all the bad food is going in the garbage and i don't care who gets mad, we dont need that shit hanging around here.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

My Journey may be coming to an end

Things have somewhat slowed down around here, my mom is on vacation. it has been stressful and I haven't got back on track yet and I have been debating whether or not I am even going to bother. You see I realized last night that my family doesn't respect my decisions and choices, and therefore everything is always stressful for me and we always end up arguing. When me and my mom go grocery shopping, ever single time we end up yelling at each other and mad, because she wants me to buy junk, and crap I will not eat. I try to be nice about it and buy a few things for her and my dad that they will enjoy because the fact of the matter is that I live here free. But still it just stress all the time, when it comes to dinner my mom wants to eat crap that she knows that I wont eat, yet she wont accommodate for me, I am expected to just eat it, just like when we go out it is always stress because I always have to make the choice of where to go and it is a headache especially when My family is there and they say just eat whatever it is not going to kill you. While my mom is on vacation I asked her what she wanted to take out so I can cook, because we have been eating crap since Thursday, she has not answered me or taken anything out. You see at first it was great there was no stress and my family was happy that I was doing things for me, now it is a whole other tune. I am not getting the support I need from the site I have been using since before the Journal room started, I go unnoticed when I need support and advice and it hurts because I was there before it was even a journal room. All this stress just doesn't seem worth it to me anymore. I cannot talk to anyone because they do not listen and it blows up into everyone ganging up on me and right now I cannot take that...

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Life Threw me too many Curve balls at once this past week/weekend.

So life threw me some huge curve balls this past end of the week/weekend. My uncle has been in the hospital for awhile and we just found out. He had a blood clot in his leg and it was cutting the circulation to his foot off. They went in 2 weeks or so ago and removed the blood clot, then opened him back up a day later to try and save his foot as it had developed gangrene. That did not work so he had to have his leg amputated Yesterday. He is my moms twin brother too and my aunt (their sister) came to stay with us since Thursday as she lives out of town... Lots of crappy eating, too much junk, eating out and tons of Stress. I didn't want to add to the stress everyone was already under by saying NO we cant do this and no i wont eat that... I made some very poor choices and it will show on my food logs over at NM. I haven't exercised I haven't slept right I am mentally and physically exhausted. Not to mention in and out of the hospital with all the sick people, he has a Staph infection and the lady in the room next to him has H1N1 and the hole place was quarantined... I slept for 13 hours and I have not done that in 2 years.They say for now he is OK and that they think they got the Gangrene infection and hopefully wont have to take anymore of his leg. My aunt has gone home and I am hoping that things get back to normal. I am not going to beet myself up I know I did bad, real bad but I could have done worse, and for dinner tonight I guesstimated the piece of Tirimasu we bought at Savemart and used one from a restaurant... I hope I didn't consume 1000 calories on 1 small slice of cake, oh well life goes on. Weighed myself this morning to see how much damage I did 182 so I am up 2 pounds, I cannot seem to break 180 been floating around there for about 2-3 months and it sucks. Hope that everyone had a better weekend!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I have lost 46.5 Inches off my Body!!!

I just did the math and all together I have lost a total of 46.5 inches from my body! 14.5 off my chest, 12.5 off my waist, 11.5 off hips, 4 off biceps and 4 off thighs. Wow that is amazing to me, and this week of my 30 day shred has shown dramatic results for me, I cannot stop looking at how much my tummy has shrunk. I am posting some pictures below to compare to the old ones I took before. Tonight started out rather crappy but ended well as I made a good choice when I was going through to many emotions...

This one is for Jen B...

Couldnt help myself!!

Sunday, November 15, 2009

What a fly by weekend *sheesh*

Wow this weekend went by so fast, I just cannot get over the fact that it is almost 2010. They say when you get older times flies but this is unreal. I did day 6 of the 30 day shred tonight and I feel accomplished. I have 4 more days of level 1 and then I am moving on to level 2 for 10 more days. I hope that I can keep up I know that it will be harder. This weekend was good food wise and I did work everyday, even got about 4 hours worth of shopping (walking) in. I am looking forward to thanksgiving in some ways and others I am not tho I am not going to let it bring me down. I have plans for the day eating wise so that I don't get hungry and go overboard. I know that i am going to have a little bit of everything traditional, a piece of turkey Breast, small slice of ham, Stuffing, Corn and Yams. I am not one for real mashed potatoes and I don't know why because I love the fake ones lol. I also don't care much for Pie and pastries, tho I do love cheesecake and may have a half a small slice if I have the calories for it. I know there is going to be cheeses and crackers, cookies, veggies, gardeneria, Olives, Salami with cream cheese and pickles, Pickles, pepperoncini, Deviled Eggs,chips, dips and tons of deserts but I am not going to give in. I did great last year and i will do just as good if not better this year because I will be prepared and have the day planed out. Maybe I am making to much of it, I just know that i will be surrounded by all the temptations and I do know better so there shouldn't be any problems...

Friday, November 13, 2009


So TOM decided to pay me a visit yesterday, which would explain why I have been on a eating rampage. I decided to take my break from the 30 day shred last night instead of Sunday so i will just swap days. I am not going to let this defeat me I will press on. Usually I start to get really mopey and depressed the week or two before I start but not this time it just came on sudden and now I am kinda feeling it. Today will be a better day eating wise I will not eat anything after 7pm even if I think I feel hungry lol. I am making homemade vegetable and chicken stock today it will be my first time, but it seems relatively simple, just let the stuff boil and simmer all day then strain it, skim the fat and freeze for use in soups for later in the season. I just hope it comes out good, at least I know what i am putting in it and it will have so much better flavor without all that salt and other preservatives they use. Well that is all for today I am glad that it is Friday and I am hoping to have a good weekend and wishing everyone the same!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Super Moist Pumpkin Bread Recipe

1 3/4 Cup Unbleached Flour
1 3/4 cup Wheat flour
2 cups packed brown sugar
1/3 cup granulated sugar
1/3 cup splenda
2 cups pumpkin puree
1 cup unsweetened applesauce
2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
2/3 cup light coconut milk
2 tsp pumpkin pie spice
2 tsp ground Cinnamon
1 cup toasted walnuts, chopped

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Grease and flour two 8x4 inch loaf pans.

In a large bowl combine all ingredients and Mix until all of the flour is gone. Fold in the nuts then Pour batter into the prepared pans.

Bake at 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) for 1 hour and or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Remove from oven and cover loaves with foil tightly. Allow to steam for 10 minutes. Remove foil and turn out onto a cooling rack. Tent lightly

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


I did day 1 of my 30 day shred last night and it rocked my socks. I noticed this time around that it was easier for me to do some of the moves then the last time I tried it. I was sweating profusely and it just felt so good and I was so energized from it. I also slept really good and I woke up feeling amazing, I cannot wait to do it again tonight. Today has been busy, busy I got up and had breakfast then went to do some grocery shopping in which I saved 42 dollars with savings from sale items and 3 coupons 1 was $1 off 2 Big ol boxes of Total, and the other 2 were $2 off Foster Farms Turkey Tenderloins. I did really well this shopping trip and I still have 103 dollars left to get more food. When I got home I started baking, made my Healthy version of pumpkin bread I got 4 loaves out of a 1lb can of Pumpkin. Did not get a break in between had to clean the kitchen, do dishes and get dinner prepared. I am finally getting a chance to sit down and relax for a bit until BL comes on and then its Workout time when its over. Today was a great productive day and I feel really good about things at this point and I hope it continues this way!

Monday, November 9, 2009

Its so cold...

It is so cooooolddd here in my house and it sucks I don't like being cold. I didnt get much excersise in yesterday because my legs were so sore and I didn't want to push myself too much and pay for it later. Tried to go for a bike ride and that didnt go so well got a 1/2 mile in lol. Did some walking around the grocery store and took the doggie for a walk last night in the dark in the cold ass weather. It felt good to walk a mile in 6 minutes. You can tell its cold when it only takes you 5-6 minutes to walk a mile. My eating was ok, went over my calories but it wasnt bad food and I didnt binge. I was so hungry at like 11 pm but I knew I didnt have any calories left and it was way to late to be eating anyways. Ive been thinking about starting up doing my 30 day shred again Im still nervous it will give me another month of knee pain, but Im still thinking of giving it another try. The weather has been really nice for it being November, but I know it will start to get ugly so I am trying to think of ways to get myself going, im such a procrastinator tho and still cannot figure out why...It is always that I start doing my videos for a day or two then I dont do them and feel guilty, I dont know why i am so lazy, its not like I dont have time and most of my days are way boring with nothing to do.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Back to where I started

Well I am basically back to where I started number wise before my set back on halloween weekend...181.5 lets just hope that this time the number goes down instead of up. I have been thinking alot and going over things over and over again and it looks like I may have not been eating enough calories I see that alot of times i am under 1200 and I just dont think that is enough for me to get in all my nutrition and stay away from starvation mode... Im thinking that is why for the last month and a half I just could not break away from the 180's so i am going to try and get in my alloted calories and see if it helps. I know that I should be getting more than 250-300 calories for breakfast and that is what might be hurting me I usually have a half cup of total cereal mixed with another half cup of something like fiber one or cheerios and a half banana and half cup of fat free milk and that is usually only around 220 calories if I am lucky. Then I find myself hungry 30 minutes later and I also think I need to get more protien. We dont have a whole lot of food left and I dont get my SNAP until the 10th of the month, last month my mom wouldnt let me go grocery shopping so i ended up spending my 200$ on things throughout the week that went too fast. This month I am going shopping and I already have my list of good stuff I want to have on hand for breakfasts and lunches. I also think all the lunch meet and cheese I eat for lunch is killing my sodium and that sucks... I hate having 400 calories left over to eat and my sodium being right at 2297... that means I cannot eat anything else or my sodium will be in red...

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

First blog in 14 days

I have not written a blog post in awhile, mainly because I felt as though no one cares what i write about anymore and it hurt. I went off the wagon yet again and this time it was only 3 days and I gained back 5 pounds again... This time of year is always so bad for me and it seems worse this year than any and I am using any excuse to not workout and to eat all the leftover junk from Halloween. I am actually doing better i let myself have 1 piece of candy a day and we have gone for a bike ride 2 days in a row, 4 miles one time and 11 1/2 the second time, today was 8 1/2 miles because my legs were on fire and so sore I just couldn't make it any farther. Im trying to get and stay back on track for good this time. I know that life is always going to throw something at me and right now I am very stressed out and I know it is all about how I deal with the stress and other things that are thrown at me, I just sometimes wish I could take the time to deal with what I am feeling instead of eating crap that at the time feels like I am filling a void. And why do I feel like i need to fill a void, what is going on that I feel this way...

Thursday, October 22, 2009

I am still here, struggling but I have hope!

I am still here, strugling a bit but doing much better. The weather has been nice and I have been taking advantage of it as much as I can. Walking and bike riding. Eating has been ok but I think it could be better. I have been doing alot of thinking and I think it contributes to my mood and how I feel mentally. There are alot of things that have come up lately that I have to sort through and get passed so that I can stay on track. It isn't easy because I am an emotional person and eater and its not good for me. I need to deal with my feelings other ways then shoving food into my mouth just to feel really guilty about it later, not to mention what it does to my mood, the numbers on the scale and my body. I need to stay focused and it gets harder and harder as it gets colder and towards the holidays. Other than Halloween and New years I am not fond of the holidays, they always make me depressed and think about the family members and friends who have passed on and they way my family treats me. I have always felt left out and have even ran away to come back and not one person knew I was gone and on several occasions too. I guess that I have always been a "dweller" and that is not healthy it has gotten a little better over the years, but during the holidays it can come on fearce. I am going to just take it one day at a time and hope for the best. I am loving the weather and want to hold onto it for as long as I can...

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

I'm hatting life right now...

This shitty weather is bringing me down. I haven't done anything since Monday, we walked in the gloomy cold 4 miles. It was refreshing, but i am not getting out there in the wind and rain, just to end up sick later on. So why is it that I love to get my ass up and do things to be active when the weather is nice and even when its fair, but god forbid I do anything when fall/winter comes. I have been doing a great job eating and staying green but yet I have gained 4 pounds since last Friday How is that even possible when I have not gone over my calories or even came close to it? I guess if you sit around and stress about not doing anything you can pack on the pounds. I don't get it I have so much crap around here to workout with, Elliptical, stationary bike, a Ab works thingy by Nordic track, yoga mat, stability ball, weights but I don't do shit. How is it that I have the Determination and the drive to get out and bike ride or to walk my but off and just be active when its nice, but if it isn't then I am lazy? I keep telling myself that If I can just get myself to do some strengthening and core exercises that my metabolism will kick up and I will burn more, but do I listen and do anything about it no... So what makes now so different then 2-3 months ago? I always get so down and lazy in the colder months and it sucks, I don't want that to happen now because I can easily see myself putting back on that 120 pounds I have lost*sigh* Ugh and I have no support at home, I can't do anything and I want to join a Gym more than anything but can't afford it and it hurts, I would so go everyday (not like I have anything better to do) but also the fact that my parents wouldn't let me use their car to go gets in the way (also why I can't get out and do other things like walk the mall or do constructive things. I would also love to talk with a trainer to learn how I can get rid of this nasty hanging flab/skin on my back, it is smaller but its gotten worse and hangs more and there are more rolls then when I was 300 pounds and I just don't get it, Everyone said that once I lost weight it would get better, but its only gotten worse. I feel like crap and I am lazy and it is cold and boring and gloomy and lonely... I am so hatting life right now!!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Whew I made it through, had bad news but didnt blow it :) go me...

So I received some mail yesterday, it was from the judge who had my SSD case and of Course i was denied. Now there is no doubt that I have bi-polar disorder, Bi-lateral Carpel tunnel and suffer from Marked Severe obesity( or did anyways, now i am just obese). But I am just not disabled enough I guess. That's OK tho, I did find out some other shocking news, 4 Different Psychiatrists have Diagnosed me with Untreated Bi-Polar disorder and Severe Personality Disorder. WOW that's something I have never heard before, I did research on it and there are so many different types and I have about 3-4 of them. At least it explains allot of why I think the way I do, why I perceive things, thoughts and emotions different. Tho it is scary for me, it is what it is and I must move on. On the WL front I am doing very well. I have been eating great and even been enjoying some things I haven't had in awhile in moderation, staying green and keeping the Weight off. Today was a 9 mile Bike ride and it was fun, tho the hills were killing me and it was a bit cold but I pressed on and made it. Got a few goodies at the farmers market had a goods lunch and I am feeling pretty good. I even went into a Teen store and tried on some jeans, they were a 15 and tho they were so tight in the legs (they were skinny leg) they were HUGE in the waist, weird tho I guess that jean sizes are running big now a days because I have old pairs from when I was a teen that are 13, 14 and they are to small ah well times have changed.

Monday, October 5, 2009

180 pounds and random ramblings :) Halloween... YAYY

Wow I cannot believe it is October already, I mean where the hell did this year go? It has been really cold lately and tho I have tried the cold doesn't agree with my asthma. Trying to ride a bike now is like hell, my chest starts to hurt my throat gets all tight and dry and I slobber all over myself and can't swallow. It sucks because I was just beginning to really enjoy biking. Tonight I will start on the elliptical again, I also still have my ancient stationary, and this ab thing my honey paid 15 bucks for at a yard sale to use. So I hope that even tho I cannot be outdoors that I can still muster up the motivation to work out inside. Other than the cold things are going great, Friday I weighed in at 180 pounds and that was great and much needed. I think I hovered around 184 for almost a month, glad to be away from there and going in the right direction. I cannot wait for Halloween it is my Favorite holiday and I am trying to recreate a costume I bought last year that I spent like 60 bucks on, it is WAY ginormous on me so we are going to cut it and take it in, its like a robe type so it wont be so bad and I am going to make it shorter. I will keep you posted and hopefully I will have pictures to show of my work LOL... Have a great night all.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

life in a nutshell lol...

I have been so busy lately getting myself out and moving. We have been riding bikes like crazy and walking everywhere too. It feels so good and I'm just feeling so much better these days, mentally and physically and it feels amazing. Eating has been really good as well I have been learning how to better listen to my body and to actually eat something worthwhile when I am instead of munching on a few of this and hathat. I really have more hope and faith in myself then I have in the past, Im also speaking my mind to people and letting them know just how I feel instead of letting them hurt me and let me down. No more will I be that person that just lets people use and walk all over me, I am better then that and deserve better too.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Public bathrooms...

I'm not sure if anyone else has this thing about public bathrooms like me...
When I was 300 pounds I would never use a public bathroom, because I felt so bad and self conscious about having to use the Handicap stall to fit in. Well now I can go into a normal size stall with no problem and it feels good. I am no longer afraid to use a public bathroom, tho I still prefer not to if I can help it for other reasons. Does anyone else notice this or am I crazy? I mean its just another perk to being thinner and more healthy. I feel like I am on my way to better things, this weather is giving me that extra time to get my ass outside and moving and I am thankful for that. Maybe this season wont be so bad and I am going to try my damnedest to not let it get me down as it has before. I am older and I have learned to ignore my family and enjoy the times i get to spend with the ones that truly do care. Here's to me in a few months... lets hope that I can get through this, i have had the strength to get this far I can go for the goal!!!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

This feels good

This week has been good food wise and getting my but out and moving. We went for a bikeride on monday and we walked the dog in the evening like we always and should do. Went out to eat last night and I did really good, we had sizzler and I chose a Grilled lemon herb Chicken Breast, plain baked potato and the all you can eat salad bar. I made a nice size salad and added all my vegies and just a swish of shredded cheese and put on my own vinegar and oil. I ate half the chicken and half the potato and a bit of the garlic toast. I also had a bite of pineaple,honeydew and cantaloupe but it didnt taste good, but I had a slice of watermellon for my desert. We came home and took the dog for a walk and when I logged my dinner I was suprissed that I made the best choice for my dinner. Today we got up and took a bkieride to wally world to get some good water bottles so I can recycle the plastic ones I have been using. We also took a trip to target and My honey bought me some gloves to help with my hands while riding, they are pink and grey very cute. I got me a new pair of running shoes they are also pink and grey, from nike and where on sale for $49 and the nice clerk gave me $10 off too. I am happy that I am back on track and willing to put in the work to get to where I want to be, it will be hard and now that fall/winter is here/on its way I am going to struggle even more. I am so happy that it has been on the warmer side and will be for a bit longer that just gives me more time to get my but out and move. I am actually starting to enjoy bikeriding again and that makes me happy.
Thanks to Jack for the advice on my last post, for kicking my in the ass and making me realize that I am worth it and for helping me remember myself!!

Monday, September 21, 2009

Gah, why cant I get ahold of my life??

I really hate weekends, well not really I just hate that I think its ok to eat whatever I want and not do anything else. Blah I have food hangover and Im feeling shitty again. I just don't get why I am having trouble getting my life back in order. I know what I have to do but I just don't want to. Im still a fat ass and I have 60 pounds still to go before I can truly be healthy and not obese but I don't want to put in the work. I am just lazy and that comes from being a product of my Envoirnment, which I have no means of changing tho I desperatly want to. *sigh* such is life and I shall move on and just be I guess...

Saturday, September 19, 2009

plans change...

My plans for today have been changed but its OK, because I still get to spend time with my aunt. She is coming to my house instead, the guys (minus the SO) are going to the Drag races so us girls get to spend some time together, don't know what we are going to do but I am sure it will be fun. I had a good breakfast and have my lunch planned out, I just have to figure out what were doing so I can plan dinner. Have a great Saturday everyone :)

Friday, September 18, 2009

My thursday made me proud!

Yesterday was alot of fun, I had a really good time and I am sad to see my thursday market days come to a close. We walked a total of 5 miles on Thursday and I even Jogged across a bridge, tho I don't know how long it is I still did it none the less and I am so proud. Never would I think I could do that, not at 200 or 300 pounds. We also came across a long trail on our daily walks about a month or so ago, I don't know why I never mentioned it, but my goal by next summer is to be able to run the whole thing. We have never walked it, but when we bike it its about 4 miles round trip to and from my house. I didnt lose any weight this week, but I didnt gain either and after my "fail" weekend I am not suprised and also I got FLO RIDER, and we all know that bloats you and then some lol. So here I am at 184 pounds and I just want to push past and get out of the 180's once and forall, tho the last time I was under 180 was when I was 16. That was so long ago so I am happy and glad that I am no longer 200 pounds it feels good. But I cannot wait until I am actually at a normal BMI and being as short as I am that is hard, but someday I will get there. I hope that everyone has a great weekend, Im going to spend time with my aunt and help her clean her closets (yes closets I think she has like 3) which means new clothes and goodies for me. I want to see her and spend time with her too the free clothes and possibly shoes/accesories/makeup is just a perk.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

So much better :)

I sat down and talked to my BF the other night and told him how i have been feeling and what I am doing to myself because of it. He felt really bad and apologized for making me feel lonely and sad, and was happy that I actually talked to him and told him what was going on. I have been doing good lately, got back to my walking and even been trying to bike ride every day. Things have been going better and I am feeling better now that I am back on track. I still get depressed a bit when I think about all the things I want in life and what I want to do, but life happens and I am doing what is best for me and all that I can do with the situation and circumstances I am in. I just need to remember that and to not let things bother me so much as I do. In a small way I am looking forward to fall so I can buy some new boots. I love boots and have not been able to buy them because my calf is too big and my foot is small, so this fall I hope to find a perfect pair oh and I got a glimpse of the fall clothes at Tilly's and I am so looking forward to getting into them...

Monday, September 14, 2009

I must have ate a Million calories this weekend... whole cakes, bags of cookies,etc,etc BINGE CITY!!!

Wow have I been so depressed, I have had so many emotions running through me since thursday. I was a bad girl and I mean BAD, Bags of cookies for breakfast, Entire jars of Been & cheese dip, 3 bags of chips, Whole cakes, Pints of Ice cream, Candy bar after candy bar and thats just 2 days... And you know something, Food used to make me feel better, it used to fill the void of being friendless and lonely. Not anymore it didnt do a damn thing but make me feel Guilty and fat and more useless and depressed then I was before i ate it all. I weighed 190 pounds on Friday, I havnt logged my weight or food (my site has been acting too retarted since thursday so I havnt wanted to deal with it). I spun out of control and was so afraid I wouldn't come back. I guees it has to do with the changing of the season, the weather and being bored and lonely. I am back on track tho, We went to Deny's for Breakfast yesterday and I had, egg whites, fruit, wheat pancakes, 2 slices of bacon and 1 chicken susage patty. It was yummy and I was proud of myself for ordering wisley, I did drink like 8 glasses of water i never noticed how salty deny's was WHEW WEE it was terrible. I weighed myself this morning just to see where I was and it said 184.5 so I am more or less where I started on thursday before my depressive binge. I think I ate enough calories on friday and saturday to last me 2 weeks, the whole cake alone and the bags of cookies. I never want to do that again, I am feeling a little better, but I am still depressed and feeling lonely and bored.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Back on track :)

Whew, Im back on track and it feels good. We walked twice yesterday and eat really well, as today we will too, and I am thinking about a bike ride sometime today. I want to soak up as much outside activites as I can before Fall/Winter hits hard. Those are my worst months, because I am too lazy and cold to want to do much else but eat and sleep. Who knows tho I am in a different house and neighorhood, things could change. Well anyways here is too another good day on track, I need to learn to work through my emotions rather then stuffing them down with food. I am half ways there but it is hard, but in the end will be worth it.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

1 week was all it took, I have been a BAD BAD girl!

So I thought about getting back on track, but Ive been bad about kicking my ass into gear and getting it done. I feel so bad about falling so hard this last week, I feel like shit and i know its from the bad things I have been eating. My logs on NM look horrible and Ive been just eating retched, I mean I guess it could be worse. I'm still somewhat watching my portion sizes and eating healthier foods for the most part. We have not walked since Sunday evening. The air has been so bad from the wildfires all over Cali, and its been Humid and hot along with it. I just want to get back on track asap, I feel bad and I feel sick from the junk, not sleeping right, forgetting to take my meds and just plain feeling like shit. I hope I can snap back into it an get right so that I can continue to feel and stay healthier.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

wow, what a long week...

Oh wow its so good to be back, I have been away so long I can't remeber the last thing I blogged about. I was out of commision due to a Nasty Virus I picked up out in the interweb, stress built up and I didnt eat or sleep well. Lots of full fat blended Esspreso drinks and energy drinks to keep me up so I could take care of things. Tomorow is WI in day so we shall see what damage comes from it. I am back and I feel much better, I got a good night sleep I ate a good breakfast and i am planning a good and healthy lunch and dinner for tonight. Because of the unforseen expenses for my Puter we are broke and not going anywhere for awhile, so no farmers market and walk on the riverfront today, I am bumbed but it was necessary. $125 later and My computer has a brand new OS and a Kickass Security suite on it, I lost all my pictures and it hurt for a long time, because they cannot be replaced like software, music and movies can. I learned my lesson on that and we got a Passport to store all of our Pictures on and never have to worry about loosing them again (any new ones that is). Well I just thought that I would update hopefully i will be blogging more again Like I used to now that things seem to be back on track.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Today's WI

I had a great WI this morning im so excited 183 pounds that is only 3 pounds from my mini goal. All that walking and getting bike rides in has paid off. I have been eating way better and we got good fruits and veggies from the farmers market and the grocery store. Im feeling good and I'm really on a roll and enjoying what I am doing and thats a big plus. well I just wanted to check in with my new weight and let everyone know that I am still on track and doing good. I'm of to the stuff and save event at Old Navy, wish me luck on finding clothes I will like. Have a good Friday everyone :)

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Things are going much better this week!

Things have been going much better this week then the past weekend. Eats have been great and healthy, Ive been walking and even today we took a 4 mile bike ride. It was nice, felt great and was refreshing. I used to try to ride when we lived in the other house but I always had a hard time and could barely go 1 mile. I'm so proud of myself and glad I thought of going. The SO told me he was going to work out with me and that was on Monday and it has still yet to happen. I need a shower tonight but before i do I'm going to lift some weights and do some crunches. I am only 5 pounds away from my mini goal and 60 away from my main goal. I really hate being short because my 5'1 frame is still considered obese at 185 pounds... pooie I have to be 125 pounds to be in the healthy category. Well I am off to workout and shower, I'm looking forward to what tomorrow will bring, its my farmers market Thursday!!

Monday, August 24, 2009

Emotional eating..;. I fell off the wagon hard!

I am an emotional eater, and yesterday my emotions were all over the place. I went over my calories by 1250... shit that is alot and I feel like poop for it. I'm more mad and dissapointed in myself for letting someone get to me and bother me to the point that I binge and I have not done that in so long. I was doing good too and then bam it just hit me like a ton of bricks as I was shoveling half a cake in my mouth, bags of chips and energy drinks. Ah well it happened I owned up to it and now today is a new day and I don't want to sit at home on my computer any more its time to get out. Hopefully wanting to go do things today doesn't disrupt the house (god forbid I want to do someth8ing other then cook and clean)

on a side note I did really good at the party on sat, stuck to my plan, had a diet dr pepper but I shared it. It wasnt such a good idea tho, because later on that night I was so hungry and had a peanut butter & jelly sandwich on a wheat bun and that put me over my calories for sat too.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Todays happenings

oh boy another weekend, i have it planned somewhat. I'm going to a friends daughters b-day party and she is very low budget so its pizza, cake and ice cream. I am going to have 1 slice of pizza and half a piece of cake no Ice cream. I think I can handle that besides 1 slice of pizza will not kill me nor should it hinder my progress. Difference now is that I know its not good for me and I can honestly stop at 1 slice. I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend, being safe and having a good time. I got a thing in the mail yesterday for old navy, its a free tote bag and everything I can stuff inside it I get 20% off. I love old navy and I am excited to use it to get me some fall shirts, I have tons of jeans and no tops, I had really cute ones my honey bought me last year for fall/winter and they are just so big on me I swim in them.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

I did it w/pictures too...

Well it took me a little while but I said to hell with it and bought myself something nice for my acievements thus far. I am so proud of myself too, because usually we reward our efforts with going out to eat. Not this time, tho it may have been cheeper lol, I still believe that I deserve it.

So I went on a small shopping spree and bought myself 2 new pairs of jeans and a cute top. Im putting up a few pictures to share my bounty, i love the jeans they are really cute and I still cant believe the size either.

well there ya have it I did something for me to celebrate my Weight loss and being able to keep it off for a year. Also as a bonus we had lunch with my mom and then walked to and from the farmers market, i love my thurdays. I got a half flat of strawberries $8, 2 peaches and 10 good sized red potatoes for $3, 2 nectarines for a buck and a basket of low acid grape tomatoes that are so yummy for $2.50. Gotta support the local growers.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Feeling better today, well sorta

Well yesterday was my 1 year aniversary of weight loss, this time last year I weighed 248 pounds. I didnt do a damn thing yesterday either, i didnt buy myself something new I didnt celebrate. But I did make my own Enchilida sauce and it was nummy, but I used a bit too much cumin and chilli powder. So I guess I did good by making my own sauce and salsa and adding it to the rice to make spanish rice without all the yucky additives and sodium. Im feeling a little better today, i woke up feeling particulaly bored with my life, but decited to walk up to the oposite grocery store thats far from my house. It felt really good, considering I have been slacking on my excersising and walking. I have been stuck at 188 pounds now for 28 days now and it is getting frustrating. I don't get it, I have the tools and the knowledge to get this shit done, but yet here I am. I keep telling myself that If I worked a little harder i would look and feel so much better, I can't even seem to lose .5-1 pound a week. Its all my fault because since the weekend I have been eating whatever I want without thinking twice. I mean not all day, and I still watch my portion sizes but queso and chips isnt a good snack food, German chocolate cake and oatmeal raisin and peanut butter cookies are not good snacks either. What the hell is wrong with me, I really should know better. I can't wait till all the crap is back outa the house again I should have just enjoyed my weekend and stopped when monday came around. Maybe that is why I am feeling so shitty, because i put crap into my body and I have been so lazy~

Monday, August 17, 2009

Weekend was nice...

I had a great somewhat relaxing weekend, the food was great and even tho I treated myself here and there I was sensable about it. Friday was the last day I walked, tho we did walk to the store to rent movies saturday but its only a .72 mile walk. We did walk today tho and walked to the store again to take the movies we rented back. I have so much I want to write about, but for some odd reason I am having mixed emotions and I think Im just going to finish my laundry and head off to bed. Maybe I will feel up to writing tommorow. I know its been awhile, lately I just hav'nt been in the mood...

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I saw my Dr...

Well I saw my Dr yesterday and I talked to her about how I have been feeling and all that. So she looks back to my previous blood tests, one from December 08 which my blood sugars and gluclose and everything else was good, but no one told me that my thyriod levels were borderline low then. They did another test in March 09 but tested everything except thyroid. Everything was fine then too. So she is doing another full chem test, A1c and Hypothyroid tests. I see her in a month, but I dont want to wait untill then to find out whats going on.

As far as what I know about hypothyroid is that it makes you tired, depressed and lethargic, Memory loss and forgetfullness, abnormal menstraul periods and its slows your metabalism down to nearly impossible to lose weight. Well since December I have lost a good amount of weight and up until 2 weeks ago I have felt fine. As for getting enough sleep I sleep 8-9 hours a night and its good sleep. I get enough Iron in my diet at least 5-6 times a week anyways sometimes it is low. I try to have protiens with my carbs and I do use good fats. So I am really hoping that there isnt anything wrong with my Thyriod. Im a little scared but I know that no matter what things will be ok.
I'm still thinking that alot of it is because I havn't really been doing too much but siting at my computer alot. So for the next few days I am going to try and get more things done and keep busy to see if that helps. I have also been more lienint with my foods as of the last week that could have alot to do with it as well. I will let you all know when I get my results back, that is when my SO decides to take me to the lab to get my blood done.

Monday, August 10, 2009

loseing energy after meals?

For the past few weeks I have been getting tired after eating, breakfast I want to crawl back into bed about 20 minutes after I finish. Lunch its the same thing and after dinner is the worst, but I still manage to go for my evening walks. I havnt really changed anything and have been going at this for a year now and I would have so much energy after eating better and healthier foods now I just have no energy anymore. Does anyone else that has been eating right for a long time notice this? I know my cereals have tons of carbs in them ( i eat total and Fiber one almost every morning with lots of fruit in it) So I expect to feel a little lethargic after breakfast but to the point where I fall asleep at my desk or crawl back into bed lol.

Friday, August 7, 2009

My biggest Challenge

Ive been doing so good, yesterday the scale had said 187 and today its freaking 188 again. Oh well My clothes fit better now and I know Ive been doing great with my eating and working out. Ive decided to work out harder on 3 days a week. My Mondays,Wednesdays and Fridays consist of 40 minute or more walks, elliptical, stationary, weight lifting, resistance bands and Jump rope. I can only do a few minutes of each, but I'm working on doing more. After a 40 minute walk my legs hurt and its hard to do other things when they are sore. My biggest challenge is coming tomorrow, my aunt is having a b-day party for her and my cousin who is turning 25. Its a challenge because my family likes to party and eat junk. We are bringing Mac/potato salads to share and a green salad with veggies for us so we don't go overboard with the other "fattening" salads if we have any at all. She is getting a fruit salad, wheat rolls and luncheon meats as the main meal which is a whole lot better then what could be having. Its all the other things like, buckets of chips, cheese platters,pinwheels, Fugatza bread, Dips, Candy and Deserts OH MY!! But I'm going with a plan and bringing things that I can enjoy and besides allot of that crap doesn't appeal to me anymore, the CHEESE does tho because she always buys the really good stuff like Havarti,Gouda and Sharp Colby MMMMMMMM I love cheese and it is my one weakness. Ill let y'all know how things go later. I know I can get through it and even allow myself to have a small treat I know how to watch my portions and I know what I shouldn't be eating now. Hope that everyone has a great Friday and a safe and happy weekend!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

This is a Post about Friends/life or lack thereof!

So I've lived in Sacramento since I was 3 years old. I had a few friends in Elementary school, but the friendships didn't continue into Jr High. I made new friends in Jr high school, that never continued through high school or onto adulthood. I just don't understand why i haven't made any friends, I mean I know I don't get out much. That's hard without a car and moneys, were always broke because we both unemployed, I have a reason though. I would think that not having a car would be a stupid reason not to make/have friends, but then again I could be wrong. I just want to be normal and have normal adult friendships and things. I want to get out and do more things as I hardly call going grocery shopping or to wall mart Fun & Exciting. I have never been on Vacation, never stayed over night in a hotel out of town. Ive only been on a day trip to San Francisco a couple times and Reno to the casinos on my 21st B-day. It is so sad and it really sucks, It has nothing to do with the fact that I have been fat all my life either. It is just that there has never been anyone to want to do these things with me. My own family does things all the time but I am NEVER EVER Invited. But I guess that is for the best anyways they treat me like crap. But Seriously I am 28 and Ive never been to a party I went to a concert when I was 8 and one when I was 18 with my parents. I have never had a "girls night" never had coffee/lunch just to have it with a friend/acquaintance. I feel like I have missed so much and I know that I am genuinely a nice,sweet easy to get along with person, I may be shy but I warm once I get to know someone. I just Don't want to live like this anymore...

I did something I havnt done in 12 years

Last night after my walk I had decided to work out a little more. I did some weights for my arms, resistance bands for the thighs and 4 minutes of the elliptical. I also did something I haven't done in 12 years... JUMPED ROPE. LOL it was so awkward at first because I hadn't done it in so long, i kept missing the jump and getting it caught on things, but i did it and I didn't give up. :) I also did some crunches for my upper tummy and lower before i was so tired I climbed into bed and went to sleep. I also put away some more clothes into my "fat clothes box" and just for shits and giggles I got myself into one leg of my 26 pants I used to love, it was funny and i shocked the heck outta my mom and dad, my mom said "good lord" and my dad's jaw drooped. I cannot believe I was ever that big, and I hope to never be again!

Sunday, August 2, 2009


Ive been somewhat slacking on my goals lately. It just seems that I don't ever stick to anything I start. Aside from eating better and moving those I have no problem sticking with. Every week it just seems harder and harder to lose that 1 lb. I'm too hard on myself when i see a .5-3 pound gain when I know my sodium has been off the hook that week if I haven't had a BM in awhile. This journey I am on is really hard to say the least but I have learned that anything worth while is not easy. I started this journey to lose weight and get healthy and look good. Along the way I have changed how I think and how I feel about myself and things. Allot of it is mental and when you struggle with Bi-Polar Disorder it makes the challenge even harder. I feel like I have pushed passed allot tho and I know i am doing MY best with what I have.

Saturday, August 1, 2009


I really dont have alot to talk about today, my weekend has been slow and boring which is the norm for me. Im doing good with eating so far and I did take my walk this evening and it was nice. I always enjoy my walks alot and they make me feel good about myself for getting off my lazy ass and MOVING!! I hope that everyone is having a great weekend. My thoughts and Prayers go out to Jen and her family.

Friday, July 31, 2009

My 1 year aniverdary of 60 pounds, and where did this year go??

Come August will be my 1 year aniversary with Nutrimirror, 1 year I have lost and kept of 60 pounds! I cannot believe that its amazing to me that I have been able to acomplish that. I usually don't stick with anything, but the eating and moving more has stuck. Maybe not so much the working out but just because I tried something and it didnt stick doesnt mean I have given up. Im here to let everyone know that no matter how long it takes and yes if you do it right it will take a long time you can do this. I am living breathing Proof, Ive lost 112 pounds and I believe that each and every person can do it too!!! I still cannot believe that it is August I feel like my Summer has been so short, where has the time gone, the year is more than half over thats crazy. Only 4 more months until Christmas and 5 until 2010 WOW its unreal.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Feeling better and worked out a bit

I didnt get to walk as much as I wanted to this evening, 1.18 mile for 19 minutes but I mixed it up by jogging for a minute here and there and then jogging half way on the block to my house. I also did 4 minutes on the eliptical and 25 minutes on the staionary bike. It felt good, tho I was dissapointed that i could once again only go for barely 2 minutes without taking a rest on the eliptical. I really need to use it more or else I will feel really bad for my mom and Bf dropping 300 bucks into something that doesnt get used. The So jumped on it for 8 minutes today I was proud of him, although we were suposed to work out together, I was dissapointed but I guess we got comunication problems. Tommorow is the day of the week I look forward to the most, were going to have a picnic and then walk the river walk into old Sacramento, and then to the Farmers Market at the mall. I will let ya know how many miles it is round trip. Taking the ped with me so I can finally know how far after all this time. Happy blogging everyone!!

feeling drained

uggg i feel like poopy today, i slept until almost 10:30 shame on me and Im feeling so drained. But Im going to get my fat ass up and get things done. Looking forward to tommorow I love my thursdays. Im so tempted to crawl back into bed tho, I don't know why whenever I do I feel like shit afterwards. Ah not going to gotta go pick up the mama from work she isnt feeling good.

Monday, July 27, 2009

That damn pesky back flab...

I have been taking progress photos for my own personal viewing since sept 08. Last night I had the SO take some for the month of july (i take them monthly) and the ones of the flab on my back look so much worse then they did in janurary. I mean I have lost a significant amount of weight yet the flab gets bigger and now it looks like its just hanging there. It disgusted me to the point my stomach turned and all the advice Ive gotten about loosing more weight it will get smaller, well it hasnt and I am frustrated. It is the one part of my body that I really wanted to change because my pants fit funny, my back is shaped strangly due to the flab. Most people want a flat tummy but I just want to have a normal flat upper and lower back... *sigh* I guess maybe I need to work out more, but really since Spot training doesnt work how am I supposed to get rid of it, If I even can??

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Im still here!!

So ive been a busy busy person lately, and i miss blogging. I guess I just really havnt had much to say or felt the need to get on and write lol. Im terrible but I have been doing good now at 188 pounds woot go me. So that is 112 pounds lost so far and still alot more to go. In auguse I would have kept off 60 pounds. WOW that is amazing even to me lol and an acomplishment considering I never stick to anything for very long. I have had a pretty cool summer so far, i wish I could get out more and be more active, but thats ok. Having friends over to hang out and bbq and swim has been amazing and much needed. Otherwise I would have had a boring ass summer!
I have learned that I am too hard on myself most of the time i get mad when im up .5-2 pounds and I shouldnt be. Im also hard on myself when I go over my calories or eat a little bit of things I proboly shouldnt. But it could be worse, I still havnt stepped foot in a fast food joint, when we rat at resturants I order from the WW menu or have food cooked to suit me and my needs. I have been walking tons and the only thing really I have been having that I shouldnt are reduced fat tortilla chips, Guacamole and salsa, oh and the Neapoliton ice cream sandwiches. But thats it other than that I have been doing great on the eating. Aside from the nights we had company and last night because I got burned by 200 degree hot oil We have been walking alot. I look forward to my thursdays because we go downtown and walk to the farmer's market. Its so fun, well I am off to go have my amazing salad I made for dinner. Im still here and kickin thought id let ya'll know since I havnt been blogging much.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Graduation Party...

Wish me luck, today is a family graduation party at my cousins house. Not sure whats going to be the faire as I didnt have the guts to ask. Its ok because I know my limits, I know what I can and shouldnt have. Just hope that she took me into consideration as she did at the last party she had at her house. I have been doing good and I am so glad to be back on track it feels good. I still gained a pound at this weeks weigh in but I will take it because it could be worse. Well I am off to finish getting ready!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Back on Track!

I did it, I ate good today and I walked.
I was very hungry all day so I opted to eat every 2 hours, I got up at 9am and had breakfast 1/2 cup each Total Raisin Bran. Fiber one honey clusters, Fat free milk and 24 blueberries.
I had a Oat and caramel fiber one bar at 11 and some fresh fruit in a small bowl. For lunch at 1 I had a salad it was yummy but I put to much cucumber and forgot the mushrooms. At 3pm i had a Fiber one yogurt, some watermellon, cantaloupe and honeydew as well as 3 apricots. Dinner was Baked Catfish, 2/3 cup white rice and 1 cup fresh steamed broccoli. Desert was 1 1/2 ounce of chocoalte frozen yogurt and 1 1/2 ounce of Blueberry blast frozen yogurt. Then we walked for 32 minutes at 1.73 miles... Im getting there lets just hope I can stay there again. I want so much to be below 190.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009


I fell off the wagon, gained 3 pounds bleh... ah well it was bound to happen . im tired and want to sleep!

Friday, July 10, 2009

its friday, a 2 pound weight gain WHAT NO WAY.. how is that even possible?

Ok so as you all know I have been a walking machine this last week, walked about 5 miles total to and from the farmers market yesterday, on top of walking to the store and back 2 times a day and walking the dog in the evening for 32 minutes at 1.73 miles. Ive also stepped it up and have been doing resistance for my arms and thighs and doing weights for my biceps and triceps. Not to mention my eating has been great, ive been kicking ass. So today the scale said 192 pounds... GAH what, a 2 pound gain after working my ass off. Anyways I was confused and frustrated but got alot of feedback and advice so im taking all into consideration and I am not giving up!

Also I have notcied lately that I sweat alot more then I used, after walking even stuff like doing the dishes. Im wondering if it is because my metabolism is getting higher and I am burnning more calories doing everyday normal things that are physical. Maybe its normal but i didnt sweat nearly as much when I weighed more its kinda weird. Another thing I didnt think about was now that I am 110 pounds lighter I dont burn as many calories as I used to doing things, so Im thinking I do need to step it up more. Im going to continue to walk every night and do the eliptical but im going to only do my weights and resistant stuff every other day that way I can give my body some rest. I'll do my tummy crunches and bicycle crunches and such every night tho, because what I understand the stomach muscles dont need a break. Thanks all for hanging in with me and listening to my bables, sorry I havnt been blogging everyday but im still here on my journey trying to make it and taking it one day at a time. Hope everyone has a wonderful Friday!!!

Monday, July 6, 2009

Photos from the weekend.. I need a life lol

This was me smiling and having fun on sunday after our river walk, the wind made my hair look even better lol...
me and my other half trying to be cute together

wow I still see a 300 pound girl here, will I ever feel like Im thinner?

my hand at trying to be sexy, not sure if it worked or not LOL

4th of july bbq my honey was on his phone, sorta a in promptu pic...

Some fun photos from the weekend I thought I would share.. things have been going good. I kinda over did it yesterday and gained 1.5 pounds but thats ok Im strong and I will continue to do better and get that back off and more!! Have a happy Monday everyone.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Check out the new haircut, and tell me what u think please!!

So i have been doing so well with my eating and walking and getting my goals completed. I am so proud of myself, so I decited to treat myself to something nice, I got a new haircut. Please tell me what you think honestly, I was going for the Alice Cullen of Twilight look ( I know Im Obsessed) but it is a good series and great movie. Hope all is having a wonderful 4th!!! Take care and be safe

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Feeling much better... long week

So on monday I was feeling rather ill, I had a headache and took excedrin for the pain and that just made me feel worse. Apperently I cannot take pain meds anymore they make me very sick. If you recall my episode awhile back from the narcotics, now it is any type of pain reliever BLAH. Tuesday was my SSID hearing, I think it went well but now I have to wait for 30 days to 4-5 months to hear back from the judge. I didnt shit on monday because I felt horrible, but I did walk yesterday and get most of my goals completed. Once again I am lacking in the working out department. it sucks to because I want to be a hottie, it is all I have ever wanted and I want it so bad, but dont push myself like I should to get results. But at least I have been walking for 30 minitues almost every night. My poor pool is yucky, too many trees in the backyard and we havnt been putting the cover on or using it. I think I will make it a habbit to try and use it everyday as long as it is hot out. I need to kick my ass into gear and start using my Staionary bike and eliptical again. Not sure if I will do the 30 day shred again, I think I did like a week and the pain in me knee was too much. i am affraid it will happen again. Well it is time to take the dog on that lovely walk. Tomorrow I will work harder to get my goals completed, because I feel so good when I do!!!

Friday, June 26, 2009

Todays Goals

Goal 1: Exersise; Completed 20 minutes on stationary and 10 minutes on eliptical

Goal 2: Walk; Completed walked for 32 mintues

Goal 3: Do dishes after breakfast; Completed

Goal 4: Take Asthma/Alergy meds; Completed

Goal 5: Take vitamins; I surely did

Goal 6: Be kinder to myself and my SO; Working on it

Goal 7: Plan; Completed Sunday Planned dinners for the next 2 weeks

Goal 8; Listen to my body; I surely did today, yep yep

Goal 9: Brush my hair; Completed


I just want to let everyone know that things are going well. I am still trying to work through some of the mental aspects and issues of my journey, but other than that I am still pushing my way through. Eating good, staying in green on my home page ( alittle orange on fat and red on iron) but working on it. Those longer walks I have been taking make me feel amazing, who would have thought? Im still pushing myself to get my workouts in everynight as well. Ive been completing my goals and that feels good to me, like I am acomplishing things. TOM is visiting this week and Ive gone a little over yesterday but am feeling better today. Im down to 193 pounds and it is great. August 17 will be my one year aniversary on NM and I have managed to keep off 55 pounds since then, when I started I was 248 pounds (not even my heaviest). To date I have lost a total of 107 pounds!!!

Weekly goals

Keep up with housework; Completed :) yayy me

Loose 1 lb a week; so far it looks like I lost a pound this week, im at 193 pounds

Don't let things bother me/discorage me; working in it, its more like a work in progress

Plan; Completed

Take care of myself more; That is a work in progress but it is going great so far.

I completed almost all of my daily goals so far aside from the evening things I do such as my walks and excersise.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Hot, cranky some thoughts on my weight loss and todays goals...

It was very warm today, i got into the pool for a few today but didnt really do much but sit and cool off. TOM is here and I am hot and cranky, not to mention Ive had a bad day and it is like 100 degrees in my house. This office with 2 computers 4 people and the sun shinning on it all day gets too freaking hot for my liking. On the other hand my bed room is the coolest room in the house and I love it, it was like the opposite at the old house. I have 400 calories left for tonight and there really isnt much more I can eat but i know if i dont then I will most likely not see a loss. it is very wierd that if I dont get as close to 0 on my calories I dont lose the weight, but as long as I am under 90 I dfo good and the scale shows it. Im off tho i need to get into a cool room and relax!

Goal 1: Exersise; Completed did 20 minutes on the stationary

Goal 2: Walk; Completed walked for 29 mintues today and it felt great!!

Goal 3: Do dishes after breakfast; Completed

Goal 4: Take Asthma/Alergy meds; Completed

Goal 5: Take vitamins; I forgot :(

Goal 6: Be kinder to myself and my SO; Working on it

Goal 7: Plan; Completed Sunday Planned dinners for the next 2 weeks

Goal 8; Listen to my body; I surely did today, yep yep

Goal 9: Brush my hair; Completed

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Pool Excersises?

So I am curious if doing excersise in the pool is as effective if not better than doing it out. Things like jumping jacks, Tri-cep dips, crunches, squats jogging in place. I love being in the water and for me I feel like just moving around in the water and doing some of the above mentioned excersises give me more of a workout, but I could be wrong, also how do u log these types of things you do in the pool? well I am off to cool down and get moving!


Blah it is going to be so hot today I was looking forward to being cool in the pool. We opened it up and low and behold the damn ph is hella low and the chlorine was at like 8ppm *sigh* gotta wait a few hours. But I did acomplish some of my goals today and I am happy i completed them yesterday. Here is to a nice productive day!

Goal 1: Exersise; Completed did 17 minutes on the stationary bike, weights for 5 minutes

Goal 2: Walk; Completed did 1.23 miles in 21 minutes, woot go me!!

Goal 3: Do dishes after breakfast; Completed

Goal 4: Take Asthma/Alergy meds; Completed

Goal 5: Take vitamins; Completed

Goal6: Be kinder to myself and my SO; Working on it

Goal 7: Plan; Completed Sunday Planned dinners for the next 2 weeks

Goal 8; Listen to my body; yep sure did it told me i was hungry

Goal 9: Brush my hair; Completed

Monday, June 22, 2009

Daily Goals

Happy monday! Today started off rather shitty, but Im trying to get past it. Last night we went for a 19 minute walk, hey its a start and I did 8 minutes on the eliptical. I also got my list down and for the most part I think they are easily obtainable goals. Some are my own personal ones for me and others are for my continued health. These are my daily goals

Goal 1: Exersise;Completed I did 20 minutes on the stationary bike and 8 mintues on the eliptical

Goal 2: Walk; Completed walked for 21 mintues it felt great

Goal 3: Do dishes after breakfast; Completed

Goal 4: Take Asthma/Alergy meds; Completed

Goal 5: Take vitamins; Completed

Goal6: Be kinder to myself and my SO; Working on it

Goal 7: Plan; Completed Sunday Planned dinners for the next 2 weeks

Goal 8; Listen to my body; even thought I had alot of calories left I just wasnt hungry

Goal 9: Brush my hair; Completed

Sunday, June 21, 2009

I noticed I don't blog much when things are going good...

I have not really been blogging much, sure Ive posted some pictures and a short blog about my loss. I have noticed I blog more when I am upset or things are not going right, I rarely have alot to say or write about when things are moving along I feel like I am going steady with eating right and excersising I wonder why that is? I have so many things that run through my head that i want to do, things I just randomly think about but never put them down and then they slip from my thoughts. I have been doing very well with eating lately and Im proud that I have put my foot down and decited that I am going to eat the way I want to eat and too bad for anyone who doesnt like it! Ive decited that its time to make a budget and think about what and where to put what little money we have. Bills and food are #1, and if there is a little left over then I think it should be put away to save to get our lives together. I put it on the table that I do not want to eat out anymore, 2 times a month at the most is what I am willing to sacrafice, besides it saves so much money if you think about. Even if it means I have to sit down and Plan out dinner for every night in a 2 week period at a time, hell I like doing that. I just never can figure out what to do if something doesnt go right and I cant stay on dinner plan. Anyways, things seem to be going better at home, I decited that Im going to just do what I can to keep my parents happy, without giving up what I believe I need to do for me. If that means not going anyewhere and staying home more, maybe that could be a good thing, if i get my ass in gear then maybe I will excersise more with my free time. I have to learn to not let what others are doing influence my decisions on what I should and want to do. I think aside from the mental part I need to work on the only other thing I need to work on is Working out more. Sure I walk and do I am up to 8 minutes on the eliptical but that isnt even 30 mintues a day and it isnt everyday either. I have decited to start walking every night no matter what to start and hopefully we will be able to go longer than 13-15 mintues. Well I am off to make a list of goals, then sort them out into long term short term weekly etc... Hope everyone is having a good weekend and HAPPY FATHERS DAY!!!

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Down 1.5 pounds today!!

194.5 was the number on the scale this morning. I am not sure if it is right but I will take it anyways. Yesterday was my aunts memorial in SanFrancisco, and I was tired and drained when I got home. I didnt excersise at all bit I did get in the pool and do some jumping jacks and squats and tricep dips. Not many but I still did them, and I was way over on my sodium but I know I drank way more water than I normally do. Went for a walk with the puppers earlier and am planing on doing the eliptical here shortly. My goal is to be able to do 8 minutes since I started out at barley being able to doing 2 minutes to doing 6-7 with a small rest in between. After my workout on the eliptical I am going to have a small bowl of my summer fruit mix I made.

Missouri 60

This is my first Picture for the Missouri 60 !! Taken June 19

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

I found an old pic from when I was 300 pounds, and compared to a new one I took today!

I was going through some pictures and I found some to compare and thought I would share them. I cant believe how different I look. The first one is me now at 196 pounds and the other is from a few summers ago, maybe 3 at 300 or more pounds. I still have so much work to do, but I have come along way and I am proud.

Friday, June 12, 2009

down another pound!

Did I forget to mention that I am another pound down on the scale! I weight in this morning at 196 pounds! I think if I was working out and excersising/moving more I could have lost much more. But I am happy and I am taking that 1 pound and running with it!!!

How does one become truly happy with thier lives?

The following has nothing to do with weight loss, but more about life in general. How does one become truly happy with thier lives? With so many obsticals, the economy,family,etc etc... And what do you do when you are not happy with the way your life has turned out or where you see your future headed. Now I know many will say change it, but is it really as easy as changing it? I don't know if anyone else feels the same way as I do, I love my boyfriend, he is good to me in so many ways but we do not have the life that I want. I want to be married to a man that has a job and a vehicle, money to be able to start a family and financial security. I don't want to be living with my parents and having them support me and my boyfriend, depend on using thier vehicle all the time to do things and have permision to do things. I also want girlfriends that I can hang out with and be able to talk to, go out as couples do, I have never had any of this. I know I cannot change the other person, but by myself I don't have what it takes to be on my own, mentally or financily. I have tried to get a job for several years now and its a fail fail cituation because of my mental state and the way I feel about people and authority. So what am I to do with this life I have and am so unhappy with? I don;t want to loose my boyfriend I do love him and cannot picture my life without him in it, but in some ways I feel like I am setteling. I also don't want to start over, and I feel like really who is going to want to be with someone like me, that is 28 obese, still living with her parents, and has terrible problems and low self esteem? Im not trying to put myself down, I feel I am speaking the truth about myself, I am obese and I do have a ton of problems I wouldnt wish on anyone. But what am I honestly to do with what I have to become happy and Live the life I want to have? Or should I try to learn to be happy with what I have because it isnt so bad? But what about feeling like Im not living the way I should be or serving my purpose here on earth? I want to be married and have a family, Im 28 years old pushing 30 soon and no offense to anyone, but I want to be able to keep up with my children that is if I can even have them... Im tired of living off General assistance and food stamps, Im tired of having bi-polar disorder and having to go through all the BS to get SSI, I have a cort date coming up on the end of the month and I am scared shitless. I have never been to court but once when I was young for not wearing my seetbelt. I am shy and get really freeked out and have anxiety attacks around alot of people and authority. I don't want to live like this, but what am I really to do, I want to change it, but HOW with the way things are? I feel like I have no direction, no drive to better myself and truly be happy...

Thursday, June 11, 2009

why am I crying

The tears just keep coming, been like that all day. I want to crawl under a rock so I dont have to feel anymore!

no one to blog to but myself... I need to vent regardless

So Im about to rant, and feel free to add your two cents on thefollowing I am about to write.

I understand that my parents have taken care of me these 28 years of my life,and I don't mind helping them out and doing things around the house. Butwhen is enough, enough? It went from doing the dishes daily and Dusting/vacuming one a week, to dishes daily, cooking, cleaning the kitchen afterwards keeping the house clean. Now they want me to dust/vacume sweep/mop daily? I mean what the hell,I do what I can Im only one person and I do my best. But when i want to dosomething, all hell breaks loose, they get attitudes and critisise, make commentsand I just feel like I am here to be the "house bitch". Sometimes I just want to say no and yell, but Im a pushover and I don't say shit, i let it bother me and letit build up inside me. It's like the same with me and trying to do anything for myself, trying to looseweight is so hard living with my parents, because I have to do for them and cook what they like and make things for them, and really I cant always afford to buy myown foods to make seperate from them. They also put down my ideas and thoughts, I get critisised and rediculed about what I eat and what I want to do to lose weight.Just like when I was younger and was looking for a job, my parents always told me no that they didnt want me doing this, or that they wouldnt help me get to work orbuy a uniform or whatnot. Anything to keep me from doing things I wanted to do and possibly to keep me at home so I didnt make friends and learn things about the realworld.
I know I am an adult and I have made my own adult choices, and most would proboblytell me to quit blamming them for where I am with my life now. How could I not blame them, when they kept me sheltered and treated me like shit.I want to get away from this toxic enviornment, but I cant possibly live on 140 dollars a month. The econmy is shit right now, and if people who have deggress and experiancecant find work, then how the hell is a person with little to no experinace and a mentalillness going to get one?

When I was younger I went through Psychaitry, Therapy, deppression/cognitive behaivor classesgroup therapy... it didnt do shit for me, I cant remeber any of it except that all the dr's andsocial workers,told me to get outa the toxic Envoirnment I am in with my parents. that was 11 yearsago and here I am today still fucked up as ever and in the same rut I have been in all my life.

It isnt enough that you get teased and picked on at school by peers and even some teachersbut when your own family does it and treats you like shit your whole life, you alwayswonder if there really is something wrong with you. You grow up with no friends, people who useyou, walk all over you boyfriends who deny being with you, or are ashamed of you, and others say oh its not you its them. I mean really if its happened all your life from everyone around you in reality is it really them?

I started drinking at 14 and smoking pot to numb the pain and deal with things. I always wantedattention but got it in all the wrong ways, by 16 I was a meth addict and by 18 i wassmoking ounces a day, doing things I shouldnt have done and just plain screwed up in the mind.I know my 6 year addiction has alot to do with where I am now, and I thank god that I have beenclean for almost 5 years, but im in the same place and cituation I was then, just without the drugsI use food, just not the way one would think. I go through some days where things don't go rightwhere I say really wtf am I doing this for and i will eat small amounts of things I shouldn't havethinking that they will ease my pain and make me magically happy somehow. In the end I just feelworse and it doesnt change a damn thing. It also doesnt help that i have no one to talk to, i meanmy So already knows all of this, he knows how I feel and sometimes I really question if he trulyloves me because he keeps me here to endure all of this crap, it is easy for him to ignore itbut ive lived with it all my life, I have had enough and he doesnt see that. But on the other hand i look at it the same as I do me, what can he possibly do, with no income and no vehicleor mode of transpirtaion. There are so many things that i can weigh out about my/our cituationand there are so many views that I am uterly confussed...
Right now I just want to escape reality, not have to think about any of this. Not have to deal withthe emotions I am feeling right now, not have to keep bringing up the same subjects over and overand not do a damn thing to change them... How can I change them???

How does one become truly happy with thier lives?

The following has nothing to do with weight loss, but more about life in general.
How does one become truly happy with thier lives? With so many obsticals, the economy,family,etc etc... And what do you do when you are not happy with the way your life has turned out or where you see your future headed. Now I know many will say change it, but is it really as easy as changing it? I don't know if anyone else feels the same way as I do, I love my boyfriend, he is good to me in so many ways but we do not have the life that I want. I want to be married to a man that has a job and a vehicle, money to be able to start a family and financial security. I don't want to be living with my parents and having them support me and my boyfriend, depend on using thier vehicle all the time to do things and have permision to do things. I also want girlfriends that I can hang out with and be able to talk to, go out as couples do, I have never had any of this. I know I cannot change the other person, but by myself I don't have what it takes to be on my own, mentally or financily. I have tried to get a job for several years now and its a fail fail cituation because of my mental state and the way I feel about people and authority. So what am I to do with this life I have and am so unhappy with? I don;t want to loose my boyfriend I do love him and cannot picture my life without him in it, but in some ways I feel like I am setteling. I also don't want to start over, and I feel like really who is going to want to be with someone like me, that is 28 obese, still living with her parents, and has terrible problems and low self esteem? Im not trying to put myself down, I feel I am speaking the truth about myself, I am obese and I do have a ton of problems I wouldnt wish on anyone. But what am I honestly to do with what I have to become happy and Live the life I want to have? Or should I try to learn to be happy with what I have because it isnt so bad? But what about feeling like Im not living the way I should be or serving my purpose here on earth? I want to be married and have a family, Im 28 years old pushing 30 soon and no offense to anyone, but I want to be able to keep up with my children that is if I can even have them... Im tired of living off General assistance and food stamps, Im tired of having bi-polar disorder and having to go through all the BS to get SSI, I have a cort date coming up on the end of the month and I am scared shitless. I have never been to court but once when I was young for not wearing my seetbelt. I am shy and get really freeked out and have anxiety attacks around alot of people and authority. I don't want to live like this, but what am I really to do, I want to change it, but HOW with the way things are? I feel like I have no direction, no drive to better myself and truly be happy...

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Things are starting to look up!!

Wow things are getting back to normal now well almost anyways. I still havnt worked out because my knee is now killing me all day long and I have no idea whats going on. i can walk without problems but when I sit or walk up stairs or sleep with it bent it kills me. I had surgery on it when I was younger I had a Dislocated patella that they couldnt see on the x-ray. So I am wondering if I just aggrivated it somehow, i just hope it gets to feeling better soon beacause I miss Working out with jilian and on the eliptical. Good news today tho I weighed in at 197 pounds which is such a relief for me as I have been teetering between 199-201 for so long. It has been a good weekend so far, we did some shoping today and i tried on a size 17 shorts from op and they actually fit, but I didnt buy them because they were hot shorts and tho I have lost alot of weight I still feel like i am too fat to wear the teenage style clothes that I have craved most of my life. I am also back on track with my eating which makes me feel good also, staying green is an acomplishment for me. There are still so many things I have not given up but alot that I have. I still believe that it works best for me to not give up everything, my biggest one is sweets and chips. The chips I don't eat offten if at all but the sweets, its hard for me to stay away from chocolate and grahm crackers, tho I have cut my portions down dramatically on the things I consider treats. On a side note, the house is really coming along starting to feel more like home and look more lived in. Update on my dad, he is doing awesome, he is eating again and he is doing alot of things around the house, he is mean with the dog now and I dont like it, she was always his baby girl and with him all the time, now she avoids him because he yells at her all the time and tells her to go away when she wants lovin. :( ive mostly been avoiding him too, he has been a drunk all my life so I guess I have a fear that he will change how he feels about me now that he is sober. Sorry for the long post, its been a while since I blogged so I had alot to write!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Them pills made me sick

I got myself up yesterday a little on the later side and didnt eat breakfast. I did workout to the 30 day shred and somehow later in the evening my knee started to hurt very bad. Im taking so many different meds I wasnt sure if it was ok to take motrin. So i took a Tramadol (ultram) because I know it is safe to take with all the other meds. 3 hours later it didnt seem to do anything but make me loopy and headachey. the pain was so bad i opted to take a Norco and i split it in half. Oh did the pain go away until about 3 and then I felt so sick, It felt like my blood was all warm circulating my body and I was sick to my tummy. I was up half the morning Being sick. I will never be taking narcatics again! Ive had lots of gatoraide/poweraide crackers and a little bit of soup.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

I'm just plain sick and tired

I did not do a damn thing yesterday but sleep and cry, why? Im guessing I have fallin back into that dredded depression. I did not want to get out of bed at all today but I did and I am still misarable, ive givin up on my eating right and ecersising, I keep asking myself what for, does it really matter no one really cares about what I want or what I would like, so I might as well just say forget it all. Im tired of fighting with people over wether or not I can eat this or thAt just one time because I don't do it all the time crap. Im tired of doing everything everyday, I feel like I am just here to take care of the cooking, cleaning the phone calls the apointments, keep track of this that and the other.... Im just plain sick and tired!!!

Monday, June 1, 2009

Still at 199, and wondering about the 30 day shred...

I took a break from the shred on friday, but I only took that day off because I could barely get out of bed and was so tired all day and sore. Ive since gotten back into the routine and am hoping I will do it everyday. For me tho it seems to get harder everyday and I dont know if it is because each day Im pushing myself a little harder. Jilian says that by day 6 or 7 you should be doing great and have better endurance, i don't know about that. I want to know how long before you start seeing results and also when should you go from level 1 to level 2? I was thinking like 2 weeks, but that is just my guess. Im still at 199 pounds, its been almost 2 weeks and im not seeing any changes, Ive been green and eating good and working out. Maybe I am just not getting enough excersise as i should be.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Maybe it is why I dont push myself!

I think i finally realised or came to grips with why i think I sabatoge my weight loss efforts or why things dont always work out the way i want. I am scared shitless that if i do get all this nasty weight off me and get to a healthy bmi/body fat % whathave you, i wont be able to keep it off! I know it may sound like a copout to some but it really is a reality. I have never been a dieter, I tried taking matabolife for awhile but doing that and being a meth head didnt really blanace out. I think the only thing I ever tried to lose the weight was doing meth to get skinny. i was small a size 13 and 125 pounds, but even being addicted for 6 years i still gained weight, just most of it was after i quit cold turkey. Still I am scared that i wont be able to keep off the 100 pounds ive lost already let alone another 50 more. There are so many what ifs and thoughts about what will happen when I get down to my ideal weight. How will it affect me, and others in my life, will I be happy or miserable, having to buy new clothes and actually having to take better care of every aspect of myself not just eating and moving my ass. It is so much to think about and it is scary and it is part of why I dont push myself, why I make bad choices and why I binge...

Today was good, a little crazy but I pushed past.

Today was a crazy day, I had a apt today for that Yearly woman thing (pap) and I had called to rescedule it because as you know my dad is going thru rehab and doing detox. His apt was at 11:30 at the rehab place, and another with his dr at 3:00 well my apt was at 1 and 20 miles away near where I used to live. Needles to say I made it to my apt because i was not waiting 4 months for a rescecdule, but having to drive all over town (not me but my so) must have been way more hard on him then it was on me. Still a very stressful day, i did good eating wise, i took sensable snacks with me because I knew my eating scedule was going to be thrown off today. My apt went good and now i dont have to go back for 3 years! Although I really love the nurse practitioner who I saw, she is a very knowledgable woman and very kind, she told me that despite what society is all about that we should love our bodies because they are the only ones we have, and to listen to it and treat it good, she also said to protect your heart. It really was touching for me, to have someone who was wise and still kinda young but knew what she was talking about. I wish that all dr's, nurse practioners where like her, too bad she only specializes in family planning. I am still so sore from the 30 day shred and TOM decited to show up this afternoon and I feel really bloted, but ima press on and workout tonight.

todays eats
breakfast was high fiber maple & brown sugar oatmeal (with water) and 13 blueberries, a few small bites of scrambled egg, and 2oz vitasoy chocolate light

snack was a 90 calorie chocolate drizzle cereal bar, Oat and strawberries with almonds fiber one bar

lunch was a sandwich, with 2 slices of double fiber bread, 3 slices of turkey lunch meat, 3 pieces of salami, three cheese peperonchini spread on one slice, 1 inner leaf iceberg lettace, 3 slices of cucumber and 4 slices of zuccuni, 5 sour cream and onion soy crisps, 8oz cranergy cranbery lift

dinner was a Applebee's WW Garlic herb chicken dinner (8points)

Snack : 1 serving of fruity's: 1 6in banana, 2 cups watermellon, 1 apricot, 1 nectarine, 6 strawberries (recipe makes 6 servings) 4oz Chocolate amd 4oz NSA Strawberry banana frozen yogurt

4 liters of water