Sunday, November 7, 2010

Today was a better day :)

Today was a much better day then I have had in a long time. Thank you all for your wonderful comments they help me and do mean alot to me. Eating was good, whole grain pancakes with aguave maple syrup for breakfast, stone ground corn tortillas with black beans and brown rice for lunch. Homemade clean chicken noodle soup with lots of veggies and a little brown rice, ryvita rye crackers. Grapes, pumpkin seeds a small piece of organic chocolate and 1 small oatmeal cookie (homemade as well). Nothing in the way of ecersise other than walking in the store for groceries as it is cold and rainy here. I feel so much better when I make better choices and don't beat myself up over my not so good choices. Breaking the sweet habit will be hard but I know I can do it if I slowly wean myself off, I think I did well. Until tommorow have a great night. ps blogging from my phone no spell check lol.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Depression is a real B@%^H

Its getting worse, the depression and the emotional eating and I am afraid I am so far gone there is no coming back. I have gained back 20 pounds in the last 3 months, and at the rate of emotional binging I am sure it will be 30 or 40 if I continue on this destructive path. You see if you are a follower then you would know that I have sever home issues and live in a very toxic environment. Lately I am just tired of fighting and I have given up and given in. I still cannot grasp what everyone has expressed to me about it being my money and my right to buy and cook what I want and just because I live her rent free doesn't mean I don't deserve respect. I can stand up for myself to just about anyone except my parents. Things are just so bad right now and I am thankful that I have given up the drinking and I am def to old to be drugging, so the next best (or just as worse in reality) is food. I don't know what happened but I am not the same person I was a year ago, I still miss my dog dearly and with the holidays coming up it is just awful. I really have nothing in the way of support, friends or a social life, the people I know just don't have time for me anymore and it freaking hurts. How does one go on and get through the tough times with enabling toxic situation that I have no means to get out off, and no one to lean on or support and motivate. Giving up completely is not too far from my mind lately, I just feel like "what am I fighting for"? I'm going to be 30 still live at home with no job, too many mental issues and what little income I have goes towards food and bills, no car and a relationship that i feel will never go anywhere. It will be 6 years in July and I feel like there is no future, I have someone I have known for a really long time who I guess is the closest I get to a friend who met someone about a month ago, hit it off so well that she moved in with him and they are getting married next year. Now normally I would think its to fast, but knowing her and how she is if they are still together 24/7 all this time then there is def something there because she it the type that either the other person or her gets on the nerves after about 2-3 days. I am happy for her I really am but what does that say about me, 6 years and not even a ring or a proposal I guess that's another thing that has been bothering me also, that and all these acquaintances are all doing tings with their lives and are able to do what they want when they want. I don't have that freedom or luxury, i truly feel like a loser, never been to a party, never stayed in a hotel (other than to get high in my old days) but that's not the same. I have never really been out of California (once on my 21st b-day when we went to Reno NV) Barely out of Sacramento, just the bay area and One time to SO Cal but it wasn't very pleasant. I fail at life and I guess I am truly just biding my time...

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

I am all over the place...

Todays eating was way worse then yesterday, I mean cookies and Dorritos for breakfast, 1/4 pound of chocolate for a snack, a healthy wrap for lunch, followed by more Dorritos. Then a light dinner and 8 more cookies, oh yeah and a half a slice of pumpkin bread. Someone shot me! I hate this hold the depression has over my emotional eating. Time to unwind an try to sleep tonight.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Ahhh Booo...

So i stayed on track all but about 2 weeks and felt fantastic again. Then poof out of nowhere I fell off the wagon again. I do not know what is going on but things are just all out of whack lately and I just cannot seem to get things together. This time of year is just awful for me as it is and my mind just isn't it anymore. I guess I am tired of fighting with my parents about food and groceries. I will never matter that I am the one that buys the food and cooks, I still have to please them because I live under their roof. My mom buys so much crap and I cannot stop her, sure I don't have to eat it, but then it goes to waste and I get yelled at for it. Or sometimes I just have a hard time resisting the candy and chips that are brought in. I weighed in at the DR office today at 186.4 pounds, that is way too much considering I was at 170 in August. I am bummed out and depressed and there is a ton of Crap surrounding me, Halloween candy that we bought because it was on sale, and I mean 7 big bags full of it and not to mention I have been baking cookies and eating 4-5 at a time. Real homemade cookies each batch with at least 1-2 pounds of butter in them and white sugar on top of the brown sugar. I know they are better for me then the crap you buy thats loaded with things you cannot even pronounce but only in moderation and lately I don't even know what that means. I thought maybe blogging again would help to keep me on track, but when I noticed that I wasn't getting much comments and support it kinda just made me feel like I was back at square 1. I know this blog is for me, but I rely very much on others for support and advice because I don't have any friends and my family is very supportive. The SO used to be, but since he took up drinking and started working and being tired and lazy again it has been hard. Of course he has a Physically demanding job and he rides a bike to and from work (weather permitting) he can get away with the extra calories in a little bit of junk food now and then, but not me. I guess that I am being hard on myself and I know it could be worse, I still don't eat fast food, I stay away from restaurants and foods I cannot pronounce or overly processed crap, I'm still eating things I shouldn't be to the point it makes me ill. OK I think I have done enough rambling for tonight. Tomorrow is a new day and maybe I can start out slow and try and get myself going in the right direction before it is TOO LATE!