So Im about to rant, and feel free to add your two cents on thefollowing I am about to write.
I understand that my parents have taken care of me these 28 years of my life,and I don't mind helping them out and doing things around the house. Butwhen is enough, enough? It went from doing the dishes daily and Dusting/vacuming one a week, to dishes daily, cooking, cleaning the kitchen afterwards keeping the house clean. Now they want me to dust/vacume sweep/mop daily? I mean what the hell,I do what I can Im only one person and I do my best. But when i want to dosomething, all hell breaks loose, they get attitudes and critisise, make commentsand I just feel like I am here to be the "house bitch". Sometimes I just want to say no and yell, but Im a pushover and I don't say shit, i let it bother me and letit build up inside me. It's like the same with me and trying to do anything for myself, trying to looseweight is so hard living with my parents, because I have to do for them and cook what they like and make things for them, and really I cant always afford to buy myown foods to make seperate from them. They also put down my ideas and thoughts, I get critisised and rediculed about what I eat and what I want to do to lose weight.Just like when I was younger and was looking for a job, my parents always told me no that they didnt want me doing this, or that they wouldnt help me get to work orbuy a uniform or whatnot. Anything to keep me from doing things I wanted to do and possibly to keep me at home so I didnt make friends and learn things about the realworld.
I know I am an adult and I have made my own adult choices, and most would proboblytell me to quit blamming them for where I am with my life now. How could I not blame them, when they kept me sheltered and treated me like shit.I want to get away from this toxic enviornment, but I cant possibly live on 140 dollars a month. The econmy is shit right now, and if people who have deggress and experiancecant find work, then how the hell is a person with little to no experinace and a mentalillness going to get one?
When I was younger I went through Psychaitry, Therapy, deppression/cognitive behaivor classesgroup therapy... it didnt do shit for me, I cant remeber any of it except that all the dr's andsocial workers,told me to get outa the toxic Envoirnment I am in with my parents. that was 11 yearsago and here I am today still fucked up as ever and in the same rut I have been in all my life.
It isnt enough that you get teased and picked on at school by peers and even some teachersbut when your own family does it and treats you like shit your whole life, you alwayswonder if there really is something wrong with you. You grow up with no friends, people who useyou, walk all over you boyfriends who deny being with you, or are ashamed of you, and others say oh its not you its them. I mean really if its happened all your life from everyone around you in reality is it really them?
I started drinking at 14 and smoking pot to numb the pain and deal with things. I always wantedattention but got it in all the wrong ways, by 16 I was a meth addict and by 18 i wassmoking ounces a day, doing things I shouldnt have done and just plain screwed up in the mind.I know my 6 year addiction has alot to do with where I am now, and I thank god that I have beenclean for almost 5 years, but im in the same place and cituation I was then, just without the drugsI use food, just not the way one would think. I go through some days where things don't go rightwhere I say really wtf am I doing this for and i will eat small amounts of things I shouldn't havethinking that they will ease my pain and make me magically happy somehow. In the end I just feelworse and it doesnt change a damn thing. It also doesnt help that i have no one to talk to, i meanmy So already knows all of this, he knows how I feel and sometimes I really question if he trulyloves me because he keeps me here to endure all of this crap, it is easy for him to ignore itbut ive lived with it all my life, I have had enough and he doesnt see that. But on the other hand i look at it the same as I do me, what can he possibly do, with no income and no vehicleor mode of transpirtaion. There are so many things that i can weigh out about my/our cituationand there are so many views that I am uterly confussed...
Right now I just want to escape reality, not have to think about any of this. Not have to deal withthe emotions I am feeling right now, not have to keep bringing up the same subjects over and overand not do a damn thing to change them... How can I change them???