Sunday, February 28, 2010

What a weekend :)

So I got a phone call today from my x boyfriend, now I'm not going into details but I have known him since I was 14. I have mixed emotions and it sucks, I mean I will always care for him as he was the first man I ever really lived with and spent much time with. He is doing well hasn't really changed much, but still it is so weird having talked to him.
Other than that things have been OK, yesterday we went to my 16 year old nephews Surprise b-day party at a Pizzeria... There was so much food, I had a big plate of antipasto salad minus the salami, with olive oil and vinegar dressing. 1 slice of veggie pizza a small serving of pasta with meat sauce and a 1/2 of a piece of chocolate cake -frosting and 1/2 of the fruit basket cake with a little whip cream. I did well considering and tho the Dr said to get rest and take it easy I haven't seen most of my family in a long time so it was nice. Aunt flow came to visit today so I am dreading that on top of my other issues. I have been thinking that I really truly need to get back on track and get my health issues under control. It will be hard with having to rest and take it easy because I don't see my regular Dr until the 9Th of March.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

I had an Ovarian Cyst rupture last night :(

Well I spent most of last night and early morning in the ER again. This time I have 2 Ovarian cysts and one of them suckers Ruptured, and it hurt like nothing else. I was laying in bed doubled over screaming and on the verge of vomiting from the pain. I'm on rest no exercises and I have to take vicodin and Motrin for the pain and inflammation. Sad thing is that I cannot pick up my meds until Monday so I have to take 1/2 the norco I have and 2 200mg Ibuprofen until then. I'm scared and stressed out but I know its not going to help me, now more than anything I have to stick with it. Following up with my Dr on the 9Th of march...

Thursday, February 25, 2010

30 day detox programme

I have really been working to get back on track, but no matter what I cannot fight this feeling of being hungry all the time. I do really well until about 4pm then I just cannot fight the cravings and I binge out on cookies, junk and candy and them I am even more hungry afterwards.
Also I almost burnt down the house today because I forgot I had a frying pan with canola oil in it on the highest setting and I walked away and forgot about it... it caught fire 3 times and I was so scared an my poor mom was almost having a heart attack. Ive been in a fog for awhile now and I don't like it. I have been giving allot of thought to a 30 day detox programme. I am limited in what I can eat and allot of it I have never made or had before... I plan to start on March 1st and here is a list of the foods I can eat my first week:

Brown rice,quinoa,millet,buckwheat, including their flours,flakes and egg free pastas
Rice cakes and crackers, puffed rice cereal
fresh fruits and veggies, excluding ones of the potatoe family, and tomatoes peppers and aubergines.
Fresh herbs and caffeine free natural teas
fresh fish,frozen or tinned in water
rice milk without additives ( i could make my own)
lemons and limes for flavoring
a little Olive Oil

Things are looking up :)

Things have been good, a little bit of stress here and there but overall and improvement over the beginning of this month. Been going for a morning walk all week and plan to continue until the weather gets better for bike rides. I am looking forward to March and praying it will be a better month.

Monday, February 22, 2010

I bought a live basil plant but dont know what to do with it?

Like the title of this post says, I bought it at Bel air because I love fresh basil and have some frozen and it is hard to use. But there are no instructions on the plant other than to keep the roots moist and partial sunlight. Went to the Website and they say not to transplant it because it will die... what do I do to keep it growing? its in a little plastic pot with the roots exposed on the bottom... I am no green thumb and I have killed every plant I ever got.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Back on track :)

I started off the morning with a bowl of cereal with a half banana and a Morning walk. I am already feeling better, and back on track with eating. It is hard because my body is used to the calories Ive been consuming that I constantly feel hungry but I know I am not. My body is getting the right nutrition and vitamins and minerals. The weather has been crappy and cold but I am not letting that get in my way anymore. Thanks to all who believe me because I know that I can get back on track for good and get to my goals!!

Saturday, February 20, 2010

I has new followers *cheers* Yayy!!!

Wow so many new followers, Welcome to my Journey Please feel free to be honest and leave your tips and advice or what have you on my Posts. I hope that everyone is enjoying their weekends.
I have been trying to get back on track, but haven't been doing so well. Went over my calories by 1200 2 days in a row. I'm trying tho and I know I can do this because I need to get back on track so that I can feel better and Heal. Thanks everyone for your support YOU ALL ROCK!!!

Friday, February 19, 2010

Thank you for your comments...

Thanks for all you comments on my last post... I read them all and I would like to say that I just wonder if I am her for others then why do I make those around me just as miserable as me, and why would God leave me here to do that? I hate my life right now and more then I have in the past.. I cannot afford to get help, no one in my family gives a shit and no one will help me... So again I just want to know why God won't take me because I dont want to be here anymore!!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

What is my purpose in life?

Have you ever sat down and really thought and wondered what your purpose was in life? I sat up half the night honestly thinking what I am her for, I mean here I am going on 29 still living at home, Haven't had a job since 2000, Cant get one,Have no friends or social life, no one in my family besides my Aunt talks to me the rest hate me, I have no children and feel strongly that I may never have any. I am mentally Unstable to say the least as I have bi-polar disorder and I also have severe personality disorder as well.Tho I have a BF we've been together for 5 years and I feel that he has no intention of ever marrying me or us ever have a real life together with carrers, and children, as I see us still living off my parents until were old and Gray. The one true bond I had with someone has been broken as my Kahlua bug is gone now. So I ask again why am I here what is my purpose in life?...

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Happy Valentines day fellow bloggers!

Just a little happy valentines to you all! Hoping that everyone has a good time and enjoys their day/evening :)

Saturday, February 13, 2010

In loving memory

going to pick up my baby Kahlua this morning from the crematorium I am sad and I know I will most likely fall apart but I am glad that I can finally bring her home where she belongs. It has been 1 week and it is still very hard. I am going to try and focus on treating my body better so that I can heal, easier said then done.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Food and Emotions...

So I am wondering why stress and heartache has such an impact on how and what we eat? I feel like crap emotionally and Physically. I have been eating so much crap that I have not had in so long and I am getting tired of it, but it does kinda makes me feel better... I want to get back on track, but I am still dealing with the loss of my Beloved Kahlua and it hurts. I have too many emotions and I am having such a hard time dealing with this, that food seems to be the answer right about now. I don't want to gain anymore weight but I fear that I will its also so hard when everyone around you is dealing with stress and loss by eating Junk foods, eating too large of portions and drinking Soda...

I lost my best friend and now I am lost in life...

Ive been so lost these last few weeks, as I have written before my dog Kahlua had fallen ill. Saturday the 6Th of February I had to make that dreadful decision to put my dog down. It has been so very hard to live without her as she was my one and only true best friend. I don't Deny any ones bond with there animal but mine with Kahlua has been special and was oh so different. I brought her home when she was only 5 weeks, i saved her from getting put down as a pup. We were not going to keep her, but we ended up and I believe that it was meant to be. She saved my life back when I was younger and tried to kill myself, and though I was so screwed up on drugs and whatnot I made it all up to her these last 6 years. She lived a good life, she was more spoiled than any dog or human for that matter and we were so close the last one and a half years of her life. I miss her dearly and I still have trouble with every day things because she was here and a part of me for 9 years. I have gained 10 pounds and I know that I am dealing with allot I cannot seem to really do much. Too many things remind me of her, especially walking and working out because she was always with me. My parents are struggling really bad right now and we may be homeless as they somehow owe 39 thousand dollars in taxes because there house foreclosed last year and they owed 290 thousand and it was barely worth 70... Things are not going well between me and my boyfriend right now, He is having a hard time dealing with the fact that I am lost and so emotional after loosing my best friend. I also think it is because he knows that him or anyone else will never mean as much to me as Kahlua did, but that doesn't give him the right to be mean to me and act like a Jerk. Sometimes I think that he doesn't even care about me and it sucks. Since he has quit smoking all he does is eat, and it sucks because he has gained allot of weight and is eating really crappy and not doing much else but sitting in front of his computer all day and snacking. That is how I ended up gaining so much weight and ended up at 300 pounds. I don't want that to happen again, but how can I deal with all this shit at once and not find comfort in food. I mean I lost my only best friend, I have no one to talk to, because as I have found out I have no real true friends, not one person has been there for me while going thru all this, aside from my Bf and my Online friends over at FB, and that is really sad...