Friday, October 14, 2011

Just venting

Tom is visiting and I am up 2 pounds, surprised its not more. I have been drinking lots of soda, eating tons of Halloween candy, cookies and cake. I have not tracked anything. There was so much going on at the beginning of the month we decided not to renew our gym membership until next month when things hopefully get back to normal. Still have not heard anything back from the dozen places a Applied for a job. I really don't know how I feel right now as my head is very clouded and I want to stop the crappy eating and get back to normal. It seems like when tom hits this year I have been seriously giving in to the cravings and not even thinking twice about it. I'm tired of fighting because living with 2 people who don't give a damn and bring crap into the house makes it too tough. I have asked nicely over and over for them to not bring it in the house, they don't care. Hell they treat me like Dirt, they are more like 2 invalids who expect me to do everything, without respect mind you then my Parents. I do everything and still they bitch because I make noise when I wash the dishes, or prepare food or really any noise I make in the kitchen. They bitch about the food I cook, and Buy then tell me they are tired of me not cooking food they will eat. It is pathetic and whats more is for the life of me I cannot stand up to them, I let them walk all over me and lie down and take it. In turn it stresses me out more, strains my Relationship with my honey, and even more so because I won't let him say anything or stand up for me... I know I complain about the same things over and over, but nothing changes no matter how much I try. Aside from beating them, which is not an option tho they deserve it, because they are just not nice and miserable humans that try to make me the same way. I will not give up on trying to get the hell out, need money that is not here and is getting harder and harder to do. I want to get out into the world and be a Functional adult, I'm sick of letting my BPD ruin things for me because I will never get better living with those 2...

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

How much more can I take?

I really need out of my current situation. This toxic Environment I am in is making it so hard to live. I have Applied and Applied and Applied to Job after Job. I got 1 call back for an Interview and the person did not like me because I was nervous and could not answer the questions she asked because of lack of life and job experience. Do you know how much more pathetic that makes me feel? Ughhh I am trying so hard yet life is pushing me harder and harder to the point of Breaking!!
I am not giving up at all, but common enough is enough already! I have asked family for help and of course they don't feel I need it so they wont help me. I have no friends to ask My bestie has her own issues and financial problems and she is there for me enough as a Friend. I just don't know what more I can do to better/change this life I am so stuck in, its getting to the point that I would rather live on the street then have to deal with the constant mind fucking, hurt and bullshit I get put through day in and out. Only problem is that the person who says they love me the most has told me that he will never live on the street and therefore I can do what i need to do but without him.... Still makes me wonder if he truly cares than why would he feel/ say that way? I'm stuck and at my honest breaking point and very very scared!!