Saturday, January 31, 2009

Ready to give up

ok so I am frustrated NM says that i should have lost 4.1 pounds and ive actually gained a pound. Ive been working my ass off and Ive only been under my alloted calories by like 300 at the most. Everyone says that I need to eat more, but I feel like I am eating enuogh and if I eat more Ill be totally overeating. Im doing 10 min of streaching, 15 min of cardio and 10 min weight training. Also walking the dog for 10-12 minutes and biking for 8 minutes and also doing the stationary for 20 minutes a night. Now I am doing what I can handle for the time being, I walk and bike at least 6 days a week and do the cardio/weight/stretch at least 4 times a week. I dont feel like I am doing enough. But I also know i am not consuming 3,500 calories and not exercising yet Im not loosing I am gaining and my clothes are fighting tight again. Uggg Im just reAdy to give up, why am I derpriving myself of all the good fat food I want and excercsing my butt off and gaining weight anyways.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

I'm weak

I did so well all day yesterday, had a good breakfast, smart lunch and a nice grilled 2 ounce peice of chicken breast on .75 cup brown rice and .25 cup of knorr chicken rice side. A nice big bowl of Summer squash and Zuccini ( my faves) and a tsp imperal. I was loving it alot that I did so well and made good chioces and everyone enjoyed dinner as well. With normally eating at least 4-6 ounce pieces of chicken, I was so hungry about 30 minutes after dinner, and instead of grabbing a small salad or making a fruit salad, i indulged in Chocolate, cookies and lots of pretzels. Acording to my food log and my exersize log I didnt go over my calories I still had like 300 to go that is hopeing that all the crap I did around the house really burned as much calories as it said. When I weighed in this morning 221 pounds... I cried and kicked myself and now i just want to throw in the towel. I just cant keep up and stay on track finally broke 220 was at 219 and was so happy, then i went and sabotauged myself...

Monday, January 26, 2009

Dumbel Vs Resistance bands? Is there a differance?

So I was wondering if there is a difference between working out/ weight lifting using weights vs Resistance bands? I have both, I have my 3lb set of girlie dumbells and the 40 lb set I bought my boyfriend which alternates from 2.5 to 20 lbs on each barbells. I also have a bally red resistance band I got from Avon in 2001 when I sold it. Ive used both and dont really understand if there is a difference or they are the same, just some people prefer either or?

I think Im at a Plateau

So I know it may sound OC but I like to weigh myself every morning, after my first pee before breakfast and in my chonies. Ive been struggling between 220-223 for about 2-3 weeks now. When I Stay under my calories and work out I seem to gain about .5-1 pound. If I go over and dont exersize I am under .5-1 pound. I thought that it may be that I am gainning muscle and it is burrning fat better. Im confused, not upset and totally stoked at my progress but it makes me wonder. I am not loosing weight the way I want to, Id like to loose 1-2 pounds a week but 1 would be great. My goal is to be at 200 pounds and I know the slower it goes the more likely it will stay off. Im still thinking that either I have plauted or that I am just not working out enough. Lately my stress has been getting the better of me and I have been eating too much red meat and splurging on dougnuts, cookies and chocalte candies. I know I should, nor should I beat myself up over it. But it does add up, and if it were only the little mini chocolates you get in the bags and I could only have like 3 I would be ok. Cheese... My downfall, Ive cut back alot and switched to the 2% shredded stuff and only have it in my salads, wraps or mexican dishes, Cottage cheese on the other hand I have for lunch almost every day. I cant get away from it I love it, and the fat free crap is awefull, but I can tolerate the 2%. Anyways Today is a new and gorgoues day outside, Ima grab a snack and later we will take the dog for a walk.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Life...Drug abuse, food, metal problems and being a complete Looser.

So today was a crapy day, Since december things have been falling apart. having to put my dog down who was my best friend for 8 long years 2 days before christmas broke my heart. Finding out 2 days after new years that my uncle passed away, was even more of a blow and a total shock. I honestly kept telling myself that 2009 would be a better year for everyone, but now I am feeling like it is going to suck worse. We got a phone call from the PM company for which we aplied for a home rental thru, the denied our aplication and told us we dont meat the required credit which is 70% or better. Needless to day I was crushed and kept only thinking of the worst that we will end up on the street. I called to ask if we could have a copy of our credit reports which they were nice about. 10 minutes later they called back and said that it wasnt our credit scores that made us :"not qualify" and in reality we do qualify but the PM of the home was nervous about us having a forecloser. So they wanted a 1,8oo + 400 + 1195 Deposit for the home just to be safe. Shesh, we are by no means Bad people, its the economy, real estate being so bad that got us into the cituation were in. My parents got stuck in an Adjustable rate mortgage and my mom owes 10x what the house is worth, monthly mortgage payments are 25000 and with one income and 4 people plus bills, that is just not working. My dad lost his job in feburary of last year and hasnt been able to find anything ( he was at the same job and done the same position for over 20 years) and all the companys for which he would qualify for our going under and going bankrupt. I cant get a job, due to lack of experiance and what i am guessing is the answeres to the new "online aplication process" that is required for any job where I live. My Boyfriend, tho I love him with all of my being hasnt worked since june of 08, He did apply for several jobs and didnt get a one. that was like in august and is just giving up because of the economy, hiring freezes and People getting laid off from there jobs. I Believe that if you wanted it bad enuff and kept on looking that there has got to be something out there. My best friend lost her job today as well, and has some serious health issues to deal with and I am scared for her as well. Alot of my family memebers are loosing jobs, Homes and having health problems of there own.

Right now I am not dealing with things so well.. I either want to revert back to my Older ways and Use Drugs so I dont have to think or deal with all the emotions I have running through me right now, or go back to the old me, that ate and ate and ate for comfort. I used to think that things were so bad and would never get better through my 6 year addiction to Meth, I never dealt with my emotions because I never had any. But within the last year I have always told myself that things may be bad, but I will get through it, god wouldnt put anything in front of me that he didnt think I could handle. I think that is what has gotten me through until now. Im scared, Im sad, I feel like a complete failure as a person. A loser that cant even get a job or move from under my parents house at 27 years old. Not only struggling with my weight, drug addiction but also with Bi-polar disorder as well. that and the drugs that screwed me all up is why I didnt work and why I droped out of collage and didnt do a damn thing with my life.

I decited that it was time to stop hiding behind my drug addiction, and actually get myself out of this rut of dispair and looserness... But where do I start, what do I do, Ive lead this misarable life for 27 years. No friends, no car, no life experiance, ive never even been to a party,prom or dance. Ive never even really left home, but to use drugs and go to school.

I started using meth when I was 16 years old, I did graduate high school at 18 with 4.0 and honors. I worked at a vet hospitol and went to western carrer collage in 2000. But the drug use got so bad that I was slacking off at work and just quit then droped out off collage because it interfered with my Drugie lifestyle. Being so young and addicted to drugs and being so sheltered from real life, My brain was so far gone and still is out of whack that I am afraid that I am going to just be stuck living with my parents my entire life. Not knowing what is out there for me, and always hiding behind some excuss. But once again what do I do, where do I start... not that I havnt tried so many times, but ive always been screwed over, lied to and hurt that I just dont trust anyone anymore. Evertime a Oporitunity opened up when I was a bit younger than I am now for job or school my parents always shot it down telling me they wont pay for it, they wont give me rides to or from and they dont think it is a good idea. That in itself is a whole other story, I want to get out of here and away from the negaTIVITY, my bf sees it and knows it is toxic but doesnt seem to want to do anything to help get away from it. Im not saying that i am depending on him, but he is part of my life has WAY more life experiance and I cant do it all on my own. I think he is nice and cushy living here with not having a job, not having to pay for anything and not have any GROWN UP responsibilities. Not that he doeanst help out by paying for the cell phones, the internet and gas for the vehicle, and taking me and my mom places we need to go.. but that will only last for as long as he gets Unemplyment which is running out as we speek.
My dad is an achoholic and has mentally abused me when i was little and a teen. told me I was a mistake. whished I was never born and instilled in my head that i was never worth anything, and I would and could never do anything right. i grew up thinking that and believing it, hense the drug addiction. I was bad, I never got into trouble with the law or anything I just lied and stole money to support my habbit. I never thought I was worth much more than to just be with a guy for sex. So when i met my current boyfriend I had alot of issues, that he has helped me get passed, but still it makes me wonder if he really loves me as much as he says he does why he would subject me to the BS that I get from living here at home? Im just venting... Not sure if spilling my life story on a public blog is such a good idea but oh well I need to get it out somehow, and I really dont want to turn back to the drugs or unhealthy eating. I would rather spill my guts, not make sense and look like a complete idiot than go back.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009


So Ive been thinking alot lately and i have moticed ive been eating alot of red meat and cheese. I havnt been going over in calories or fat, but I just know eating too much red meat and cheese is not good on my uric acid or my cholesterol. Its not as thought I am over indulging, I had roast beef sandwiches for 3 days out of the week, with a half ounce of pepper jack cheese, and non fat cottage cheese(which I dont like at all), and we had Top sirlion steak one night and then meat and gravy over rice with the leftover sirlion the next day. Whew that really is too much, and I got into an argument with my boyfriend because he says I cant take his meat away. Not at all what I am doing, was just saying that I need to cut back more. I don't want to replace meat for one I HATE tofu, and I dont like fake meat. Im not much of a red meat eater believe it or not, I perfer chicken and fish. Dont care for pork either, I mean I'll eat a small porkchop now and then but thats pushing it for me. Tho I love sasuage and bacon and ham on ocassion as well tho I have cut mostly out of my diet and am now eating turkey susage. I just feel like sometimes I am not doing enough, but i really do refuse to cut out everything, because I know that I will go back to eating everything I used to if I am deprived. I feel that I have made the changes in my diet that make a Huge difference and even the nutritionist has said that I am doing wonderful in terms of changing all I can and eating healthier. I have the food thing down for the most part, been doing it since August of 08, its the excersizing. I am a procrastonater and I am lazy at the least. I have no self motivation. I mean for me doing 15 minutes of moderate pediling on the stationary and 10 minutes of streangth training(light weight liffting) is what I do maybe 3 nights a week. Bah I want to get at least an hour of cardio/stationary/streangth training in at least 3-4 times a week and my 15-20 minute walks a day... i dont tho, mainly because I get bored and lonely because I have no one to do it with, and when I see my boyfriend laying on the bed on his computer ( like always) I get discouraged and say "ah well screw this Crap" and just sit on my own butt all day.
I know that everyone keeps telling me that motivation must come from me, but serousily I am poor at it, and Im the type of person that gives up when I see others around me slacking off or being lazy. Don't know why I am like that, and it really drives me mad, and upsets me. When I get some spare money ( which might never be) I am thinking of investing in a Sparing set.. I hear it is great cardio and seems like a healthy way to get out my anger and frustrations. Right now I am just so tired of being fat, I feel like I look disgusting and I dont really take pride or time in how I look. Life is just the suck right now, having to live with my parents, house foreclosing, going through a SSI battle and having to worry if my Aid will get cut is so much stress. Having to go to renting a house, and wondering if my boyfriend will ever get (or look for that matter) For a job is really taking a huge toll on me lately. We are arguing all the time, im feeling like I have to do everything myself feeling so alone with no one to talk to.... Good thing I have this blog here so I can get it all out and vent and ramble all I want to. Im sure I dont make much sense but at least it isnt all bottled up inside me ready to explode!!!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Adding grains and such to your diet...

Ive been reading alot about adding fruits, veggies and whole grains to your daily intake of food. I love fresh fruits and veggies and try to have a least a serving of veggies with my lunch and dinner. Fruit with breakfast or as a snack when I am feeling hungry in between or even late at night. It is adding whole grains that I am strugling with at this point. I eat whole wheat bread, multigrain, oat and such, Ive replaced my pasta for speghetti with Whole wheat. but its not something we eat everyday, so Im not sure its making a big difference. I think most of the strugle comes with the fact that I live with my parents and when I make dinner I have to caiter to there needs. My mom is easy but my dad doesnt like to try new "healthier" foods. I have no idea what else to incoperate in my meals when I make dinner, It is usually bnls,sknls chicken breast baked, or a small sirlion steak, chicken stir fry with white rice or fish. Frozen or fresh steamed Veggies and canned veggies on ocasion, and this is my issue, its always a Boxed process food we have as a side dish. Pasta ronis, Pasta or rice sides, Scaloped or au graten potatoes, or even boxed instant mashed potatoes( that I love) I dont care for real mashed potatoes. So you see my delema.. My parents are just as picky about food as I am, but I am willing to try new things and incoperate different stuff in our meals. They dont like brown rice, my dad wont eat sweet potatoes and my moms not big on beans and my dad only eats the crap in a can thats LOADED with Bad stuff and SODUIM. So you see why I strugle with it so much, Ive even tried to sit down and talk to my mom about it and she is always busy with other things or says well I dont like that or we wont eat that. We have a small kitchen and a even smaller budget, so buing for myself and them and cooking something for them and something more healthier for me can be a real pain in the arse and wallet. I know the changes I have made are helping and a big step for myself and all, but I still feel like I could be doing more, changing more about my diet and nutrition and doing more to get active and move. I am a lazy person Im not going to lie.. I have no self motivAtion and I depend on others for everything, Including motivation.

I gave in to my cravings, but didnt too bad

I was rather stressed out last night, and wanted to eat fat food so bad, i ate a small snack size candy bar but that didnt do it for me. We went to denny's and my honey ordered a Big dinner that was so fat and gross with a Garden salad on the side for me. i felt good that i made that choice, but we did share a plate of Smothered cheese fries.. It tasted so nasty, I love cheese and have gotten rather used to the low fat 2% stuff. I didnt go over my calorie intake for the day tho so I felt good. We went to wal-mart afterwards feeling guilty I bought a jump rope and a 40lb weight set, some Slim fast and me and my hubby a pedometer... The one I bought for me is a calorie tracking one, never used one before, hope it works out.

So No one has read my blogs or commented.. Did I do something wrong when I created my blogs or are people just not interested in my blog posts? ah well im keep writing it makes me feel better to get things out.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

My first post

Ok so I am new to this blogspot thingy and am completely lost. I am not new to blogging as I have a myspace, nor am I a dummy when it comes to computers. I just havnt got the hang of this yet, so bare with me.

First I just want to say that I began my Weight loss/healthier lifestyle when I was at 300 pounds and having surgery for kidney stones at the age of 27. Scared the shit out of me and hurt like hell, whats worse is that dr told me I was to big to see the x-rays post surgery. The stone was a formation of calcuim caused by not enough water and too much Soda. Then and there a made a commitment to myself to be healthier and to stay that way forever. Im not going to lie its been one of the hardest things I have ever done, but so worth it. I would always feel so tired and like a truck ran me over, i honestly thought I had something wrong like cancer and was deing. After going to the dr for the first time in like 3 years, I had high blood preasure, cholesterol and triclycerides were hernedous and I was borderline Diabetic. It eased my mind to know that I wasnt deing or had cancer but was still scary to learn I had so many other health problems.
After changing my eating habbits and becoming much more active, here I am today at 222 pounds. I feel so much better and my health has improved so much, everything is normal now.
I still strugle every day with portion sizes and craving, Im also very lazy so excersize ( especially in the winter) is so hard for me. I am an emotional eater and I am unmotivated as well. But I still find time to make little changes and keep myself moving as much as I can and that helps out alot. Well I guess I better stop writing because honestly I could write a book. And I am sure my ramblings are confusing and my spelling sucks big time. Forgive me