First blog in 14 days

I have not written a blog post in awhile, mainly because I felt as though no one cares what i write about anymore and it hurt. I went off the wagon yet again and this time it was only 3 days and I gained back 5 pounds again... This time of year is always so bad for me and it seems worse this year than any and I am using any excuse to not workout and to eat all the leftover junk from Halloween. I am actually doing better i let myself have 1 piece of candy a day and we have gone for a bike ride 2 days in a row, 4 miles one time and 11 1/2 the second time, today was 8 1/2 miles because my legs were on fire and so sore I just couldn't make it any farther. Im trying to get and stay back on track for good this time. I know that life is always going to throw something at me and right now I am very stressed out and I know it is all about how I deal with the stress and other things that are thrown at me, I just sometimes wish I could take the time to deal with what I am feeling instead of eating crap that at the time feels like I am filling a void. And why do I feel like i need to fill a void, what is going on that I feel this way...

I am still here, struggling but I have hope!

I am still here, strugling a bit but doing much better. The weather has been nice and I have been taking advantage of it as much as I can. Walking and bike riding. Eating has been ok but I think it could be better. I have been doing alot of thinking and I think it contributes to my mood and how I feel mentally. There are alot of things that have come up lately that I have to sort through and get passed so that I can stay on track. It isn't easy because I am an emotional person and eater and its not good for me. I need to deal with my feelings other ways then shoving food into my mouth just to feel really guilty about it later, not to mention what it does to my mood, the numbers on the scale and my body. I need to stay focused and it gets harder and harder as it gets colder and towards the holidays. Other than Halloween and New years I am not fond of the holidays, they always make me depressed and think about the family members and friends who have passed on and they way my family treats me. I have always felt left out and have even ran away to come back and not one person knew I was gone and on several occasions too. I guess that I have always been a "dweller" and that is not healthy it has gotten a little better over the years, but during the holidays it can come on fearce. I am going to just take it one day at a time and hope for the best. I am loving the weather and want to hold onto it for as long as I can...

I'm hatting life right now...

This shitty weather is bringing me down. I haven't done anything since Monday, we walked in the gloomy cold 4 miles. It was refreshing, but i am not getting out there in the wind and rain, just to end up sick later on. So why is it that I love to get my ass up and do things to be active when the weather is nice and even when its fair, but god forbid I do anything when fall/winter comes. I have been doing a great job eating and staying green but yet I have gained 4 pounds since last Friday How is that even possible when I have not gone over my calories or even came close to it? I guess if you sit around and stress about not doing anything you can pack on the pounds. I don't get it I have so much crap around here to workout with, Elliptical, stationary bike, a Ab works thingy by Nordic track, yoga mat, stability ball, weights but I don't do shit. How is it that I have the Determination and the drive to get out and bike ride or to walk my but off and just be active when its nice, but if it isn't then I am lazy? I keep telling myself that If I can just get myself to do some strengthening and core exercises that my metabolism will kick up and I will burn more, but do I listen and do anything about it no... So what makes now so different then 2-3 months ago? I always get so down and lazy in the colder months and it sucks, I don't want that to happen now because I can easily see myself putting back on that 120 pounds I have lost*sigh* Ugh and I have no support at home, I can't do anything and I want to join a Gym more than anything but can't afford it and it hurts, I would so go everyday (not like I have anything better to do) but also the fact that my parents wouldn't let me use their car to go gets in the way (also why I can't get out and do other things like walk the mall or do constructive things. I would also love to talk with a trainer to learn how I can get rid of this nasty hanging flab/skin on my back, it is smaller but its gotten worse and hangs more and there are more rolls then when I was 300 pounds and I just don't get it, Everyone said that once I lost weight it would get better, but its only gotten worse. I feel like crap and I am lazy and it is cold and boring and gloomy and lonely... I am so hatting life right now!!

Whew I made it through, had bad news but didnt blow it :) go me...

So I received some mail yesterday, it was from the judge who had my SSD case and of Course i was denied. Now there is no doubt that I have bi-polar disorder, Bi-lateral Carpel tunnel and suffer from Marked Severe obesity( or did anyways, now i am just obese). But I am just not disabled enough I guess. That's OK tho, I did find out some other shocking news, 4 Different Psychiatrists have Diagnosed me with Untreated Bi-Polar disorder and Severe Personality Disorder. WOW that's something I have never heard before, I did research on it and there are so many different types and I have about 3-4 of them. At least it explains allot of why I think the way I do, why I perceive things, thoughts and emotions different. Tho it is scary for me, it is what it is and I must move on. On the WL front I am doing very well. I have been eating great and even been enjoying some things I haven't had in awhile in moderation, staying green and keeping the Weight off. Today was a 9 mile Bike ride and it was fun, tho the hills were killing me and it was a bit cold but I pressed on and made it. Got a few goodies at the farmers market had a goods lunch and I am feeling pretty good. I even went into a Teen store and tried on some jeans, they were a 15 and tho they were so tight in the legs (they were skinny leg) they were HUGE in the waist, weird tho I guess that jean sizes are running big now a days because I have old pairs from when I was a teen that are 13, 14 and they are to small ah well times have changed.

180 pounds and random ramblings :) Halloween... YAYY

Wow I cannot believe it is October already, I mean where the hell did this year go? It has been really cold lately and tho I have tried the cold doesn't agree with my asthma. Trying to ride a bike now is like hell, my chest starts to hurt my throat gets all tight and dry and I slobber all over myself and can't swallow. It sucks because I was just beginning to really enjoy biking. Tonight I will start on the elliptical again, I also still have my ancient stationary, and this ab thing my honey paid 15 bucks for at a yard sale to use. So I hope that even tho I cannot be outdoors that I can still muster up the motivation to work out inside. Other than the cold things are going great, Friday I weighed in at 180 pounds and that was great and much needed. I think I hovered around 184 for almost a month, glad to be away from there and going in the right direction. I cannot wait for Halloween it is my Favorite holiday and I am trying to recreate a costume I bought last year that I spent like 60 bucks on, it is WAY ginormous on me so we are going to cut it and take it in, its like a robe type so it wont be so bad and I am going to make it shorter. I will keep you posted and hopefully I will have pictures to show of my work LOL... Have a great night all.

life in a nutshell lol...

I have been so busy lately getting myself out and moving. We have been riding bikes like crazy and walking everywhere too. It feels so good and I'm just feeling so much better these days, mentally and physically and it feels amazing. Eating has been really good as well I have been learning how to better listen to my body and to actually eat something worthwhile when I am instead of munching on a few of this and hathat. I really have more hope and faith in myself then I have in the past, Im also speaking my mind to people and letting them know just how I feel instead of letting them hurt me and let me down. No more will I be that person that just lets people use and walk all over me, I am better then that and deserve better too.

Public bathrooms...

I'm not sure if anyone else has this thing about public bathrooms like me...
When I was 300 pounds I would never use a public bathroom, because I felt so bad and self conscious about having to use the Handicap stall to fit in. Well now I can go into a normal size stall with no problem and it feels good. I am no longer afraid to use a public bathroom, tho I still prefer not to if I can help it for other reasons. Does anyone else notice this or am I crazy? I mean its just another perk to being thinner and more healthy. I feel like I am on my way to better things, this weather is giving me that extra time to get my ass outside and moving and I am thankful for that. Maybe this season wont be so bad and I am going to try my damnedest to not let it get me down as it has before. I am older and I have learned to ignore my family and enjoy the times i get to spend with the ones that truly do care. Here's to me in a few months... lets hope that I can get through this, i have had the strength to get this far I can go for the goal!!!

This feels good

This week has been good food wise and getting my but out and moving. We went for a bikeride on monday and we walked the dog in the evening like we always and should do. Went out to eat last night and I did really good, we had sizzler and I chose a Grilled lemon herb Chicken Breast, plain baked potato and the all you can eat salad bar. I made a nice size salad and added all my vegies and just a swish of shredded cheese and put on my own vinegar and oil. I ate half the chicken and half the potato and a bit of the garlic toast. I also had a bite of pineaple,honeydew and cantaloupe but it didnt taste good, but I had a slice of watermellon for my desert. We came home and took the dog for a walk and when I logged my dinner I was suprissed that I made the best choice for my dinner. Today we got up and took a bkieride to wally world to get some good water bottles so I can recycle the plastic ones I have been using. We also took a trip to target and My honey bought me some gloves to help with my hands while riding, they are pink and grey very cute. I got me a new pair of running shoes they are also pink and grey, from nike and where on sale for $49 and the nice clerk gave me $10 off too. I am happy that I am back on track and willing to put in the work to get to where I want to be, it will be hard and now that fall/winter is here/on its way I am going to struggle even more. I am so happy that it has been on the warmer side and will be for a bit longer that just gives me more time to get my but out and move. I am actually starting to enjoy bikeriding again and that makes me happy.
Thanks to Jack for the advice on my last post, for kicking my in the ass and making me realize that I am worth it and for helping me remember myself!!

Gah, why cant I get ahold of my life??

I really hate weekends, well not really I just hate that I think its ok to eat whatever I want and not do anything else. Blah I have food hangover and Im feeling shitty again. I just don't get why I am having trouble getting my life back in order. I know what I have to do but I just don't want to. Im still a fat ass and I have 60 pounds still to go before I can truly be healthy and not obese but I don't want to put in the work. I am just lazy and that comes from being a product of my Envoirnment, which I have no means of changing tho I desperatly want to. *sigh* such is life and I shall move on and just be I guess...

plans change...

My plans for today have been changed but its OK, because I still get to spend time with my aunt. She is coming to my house instead, the guys (minus the SO) are going to the Drag races so us girls get to spend some time together, don't know what we are going to do but I am sure it will be fun. I had a good breakfast and have my lunch planned out, I just have to figure out what were doing so I can plan dinner. Have a great Saturday everyone :)