Friday, October 14, 2011

Just venting

Tom is visiting and I am up 2 pounds, surprised its not more. I have been drinking lots of soda, eating tons of Halloween candy, cookies and cake. I have not tracked anything. There was so much going on at the beginning of the month we decided not to renew our gym membership until next month when things hopefully get back to normal. Still have not heard anything back from the dozen places a Applied for a job. I really don't know how I feel right now as my head is very clouded and I want to stop the crappy eating and get back to normal. It seems like when tom hits this year I have been seriously giving in to the cravings and not even thinking twice about it. I'm tired of fighting because living with 2 people who don't give a damn and bring crap into the house makes it too tough. I have asked nicely over and over for them to not bring it in the house, they don't care. Hell they treat me like Dirt, they are more like 2 invalids who expect me to do everything, without respect mind you then my Parents. I do everything and still they bitch because I make noise when I wash the dishes, or prepare food or really any noise I make in the kitchen. They bitch about the food I cook, and Buy then tell me they are tired of me not cooking food they will eat. It is pathetic and whats more is for the life of me I cannot stand up to them, I let them walk all over me and lie down and take it. In turn it stresses me out more, strains my Relationship with my honey, and even more so because I won't let him say anything or stand up for me... I know I complain about the same things over and over, but nothing changes no matter how much I try. Aside from beating them, which is not an option tho they deserve it, because they are just not nice and miserable humans that try to make me the same way. I will not give up on trying to get the hell out, need money that is not here and is getting harder and harder to do. I want to get out into the world and be a Functional adult, I'm sick of letting my BPD ruin things for me because I will never get better living with those 2...

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

How much more can I take?

I really need out of my current situation. This toxic Environment I am in is making it so hard to live. I have Applied and Applied and Applied to Job after Job. I got 1 call back for an Interview and the person did not like me because I was nervous and could not answer the questions she asked because of lack of life and job experience. Do you know how much more pathetic that makes me feel? Ughhh I am trying so hard yet life is pushing me harder and harder to the point of Breaking!!
I am not giving up at all, but common enough is enough already! I have asked family for help and of course they don't feel I need it so they wont help me. I have no friends to ask My bestie has her own issues and financial problems and she is there for me enough as a Friend. I just don't know what more I can do to better/change this life I am so stuck in, its getting to the point that I would rather live on the street then have to deal with the constant mind fucking, hurt and bullshit I get put through day in and out. Only problem is that the person who says they love me the most has told me that he will never live on the street and therefore I can do what i need to do but without him.... Still makes me wonder if he truly cares than why would he feel/ say that way? I'm stuck and at my honest breaking point and very very scared!!

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Still bumping along this thing called Life...

Again I have been away and came back again LOL. My life is pretty much the same, still dealing with the same drama at home in my toxic Environment. Still broke and still wishing for something more to do with my life than be a house Bitch. But enough about all that. I am down to 169 pounds!~ The lightest I have been since I was a teenager. It feels good and I am beginning to love my body more, even though I have massive loose skin. Been eating great and going to the gym 4 times a week for an hour or more. Been having yard sales almost every weekend and the setting up and packing up burns lots of calories. I sweat allot more now and have also been eating allot of fresh salsa we made from our garden and the Habanero, Cayenne and the Serrano's really fire up the metabolism! I try to keep myself busy, and I do while the SO is at work but when he comes home i just get blah, because we have nothing and don't do anything but sit in front of the computer or sleep other than going to the gym. His $90 a week pays the bills and barely, don't get me wrong Very glad that he even has a job since they are so hard to come by nowadays, and at least the bills are getting paid. I can barely afford to buy food anymore and I am the only one who actually buys Real food, my mom buys nothing but junk and then throws it in my face when she buys a package of chicken, when I mention I cannot afford to feed all 4 of us anymore with no help... It is an endless cycle and every opportunity that we have had to get out was just as bad as staying here, and with having to pay utilities and rent there is no way it is possible especially without a car. It really makes me cry when now you literally have to have a car and tons of money to anything. Aside from going on a walk or bike ride but that gets old and you can only do so much before its time to come home and clean up after the parental units because their hands are broke!!! Then the Viscous Cycle begins all over again anyways so the stress relief you get from exercising is diminished from all the stress. I would like to say that my life sucks, but I know that I have more than allot of people out there and I am thankful for that. But when is it enough to go through so much and never ever get a break. Murderers and child abusers and DICKS and Pricks get everything handed to them and us Good people, the hard workers and the kind Get the Shaft... Do you really think that is the way the world is supposed to work? Well it does because man kind sucks and they are destroying faith and any Hopes for a future. I would never bring a child into this horrible world hell at the rate my life is going a child is never going to happen nor is marriage without Stability and financial stability. Now I am no wheres trying to throw a pity party I am just getting things off my chest that have been bugging me lately.
I applied for every job opening withing a 100 mile radius and nothing not an e-mail or phone call. Some places I have applied to every 6 months and still nothing. So I am not sitting on my ass waiting for a handout, because even thought I have BPD I doubt I will be approved on my final SS Appeal. Sad that I know so many people that use tax dollars to buy Drugs!!! Me I would use the money to get out of this toxic Environment once and for all, and buy all the fresh clean foods I would love to eat but cannot afford. I would never buy alcohol or junk food as I don't now at all with my EBT. So I will continue on with my gym 4 times a week and eat right and hope to be healthy. And hope that I can get something going in my life before its too late and I end up just like my parents (which I know they secretly hope for).

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Crazy weather, and feeling down :(

Man we have really been having some crazy weather in Sacramento, hell all over the US. It is June and we have Downpours, Hail and even Tornado warnings and it is really scary. I guess it is the weather that has me down and I have been feeling a bit ill. Eating has been horrible and I have not got any excersise in at all. This time last year we were on the bike trails everyday or at the beach soaking up the sun and having picnics. It is depressing and as I sit and type this I somewhat realize that I always seem to have an excuse as to why my lazy but cannot get going. I have been doing a ton of work on my mental state and have made some progress, but I cannot help but think there is something deep in me that keeps me from doing what I need to do and I have no idea what it is. It is like barried and I cannot get it to come out, its rather frustrating.

I did get another new pair of shoes that I ADORE!!! Thought I would share because they rock. When i got them home I didnt realize they matched up with the cute little Lingerie that my honey bought me last month. :)

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

I started a new blog about Couponing!

I'm still here on this one tho, I have not written in awhile. Going as strong as I can be with this crappy weather we are having and all the parties and Junk food that's been passed around these last few weekends. The booze does not help either but after the massive hangover I had this past weekend I am done with it for a good long while. Fridays weigh in was not so good but only up 1.5 pounds and TOM is visiting so it was expected, lets just hope I can get back down a few more and that would make me happy!

Anyways I started a new blog about how I started to save massive amount's of money through couponing. Where to find them and how to start, organizing and Matching its all in the blog. Please stop over and comment and feel free to follow as I will be posting Pictures and blogging more about how to save money and Maximize your groceries without spending a fortune on everything! Check it out and spread the word for me, it would be much appreciated!!!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Im still here, pushing along and doing good!

I am still on track despite TOM visiting this week. One thing I am grateful for is that it comes like clockwork now and its so much more regular within the last couple of years. I have started a new blog about couponing and I am hoping that I can keep up with both. Being as I have a lot of free time I do not see it as too much of a problem. Life is still going good and I am very thankful for that, as I have put my foot down about allot of the issues that were causing me to be unhappy living at home. I feel more free and independent and relaxed. Still things I have to work on but I am not giving up.
Not sure what the Weigh in will look like tomorrow considering that I am super bloated and I did a lot of walking today and I am just not hungry enough to eat all of my calories. I am sure it will hurt me in the long run but hey maybe when I am finished here I will go have a Greek yogurt with some fresh fruit :) Have a great night everyone

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I know I posted already today but I came across a post about shoes and thought I would share some of mine.

For the first time in a very very long time I am Happy!

Things have been doing well lately, my commitment has been really solid with a few slips up here and there but I always kick back into gear and make up for it. So far my year has been awesome, it started out kind shittay but it has been great and I hope it only gets better. I keep telling myself that this will be my year and if I push hard enough I will achieve a goal or 2!! Eating has been clean for the most part, mom bought me a bag of Flamin hot Cheetos and I binged on them at midnight, and my tummy is so paying for it. That's the worst I have really done and that is a great accomplishment for me. I have learned allot about what will power and Motivation really mean and it has changed the way I look at things for the better. I got on my bike today and rode, tho it wasn't very far it still felt really good and I want to keep on doing it! I really miss the 23 mile bike rides we did last summer and I think I could build up to that and more. Trails here I come so look out!! lol it is a beautiful day outside and I am stoked.
I started to do extreme Couponing within the last few months and it really has helped me to save tons of money. It has also taught me how to look for deals that I cannot get or use coupons for. I have a few new things I bought myself and it feels good to be able to save and find great deals. I am also so much more happy with myself and my life and have come so far in my mental health journey and it is exciting to see the improvements in all aspect's of my life. I have made some new friends and have been in touch with some I have known for years and they are all positive influences and very supportive of me. I am happeh and it feels amazing. Have a great Tuesday everyone!~

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Tuesday ramblings

Yesterday went so well, i did very good eating wise and I am very proud. I did have some withdrawal symptoms later in the evening due to no sugar and all the chemical stuff. I am starting my morning off with Steel cut oats with Chia bran, Fresh Fruit and a tsp of Wheat bran. I hope that today will go as good as yesterday because I felt really good without all that crap clouding my brain up. The weather is a bummer here right now, rain storms in the middle of may :(* trying not to let it get me down tho. I decided to work on the eating clean and good healthy foods and as soon as the weather gets nicer its time to walk and bike ride again. My asthma has been terrible as my allergies too. Need to get that under control before I step up my game, don't want to be down for the count before I even start lol. Have a great Tuesday everyone!

Monday, May 16, 2011

My Solid Commitment :)

I am making a solid commitment today to kick my butt in gear and get back on track. I have tried several times in the last 4 months and it just gets harder and harder. I tell myself I am going to start logging my food again and blogging and something just keeps me from it. It is not like I have gained a ton of weight back, i mean I have gained and lost and gained and lost but its only about 5-7 pounds. It is mainly the eating that got me so far off track, diet soda, chips, chocolate, Ice cream, cheese and CAKE... All the things I could go without eating and have in moderation on occasion. I got super lazy about allot of stuff as I was trying to work on my mental well being and I realized that it was not helping and I felt like crap all the time. No energy fatigued all the time, hungry non stop no matter how much I ate, BLAH that is not the way I want to live and it shows me how easy it is to go back to the old way of eating. I did notice that when the SO works and I get up I am all Gun ho and ready to eat right and work out and then the minute he comes home and opens a bag of chips, or pretzels or makes something Awesome for lunch (that is almost always 90% healthy, after I already had my lunch) it just makes me so mad that I say Forget it what am I fighting for. 4 years I have been at this and I still let what the others I live with dictate how and what I eat and bring me down and discourage me. I wish I could find a way around it. This feeling does suck, and I don't know why it is there, sometimes I think its just part of my BPD but others I think its lack of willpower and determination. So today is a new day, I had my glass of water first thing and now I am eating old fashioned oats, with chia bran and fresh cut strawberries. Here is hoping the rest of the day goes well!

Monday, April 25, 2011

why is it so hard?

Why is it so hard to get back on track when u haven fallen so far? I have so many thoughts and ideas and goals floating in my head, but I cannot find the motivation to follow through with any of them. This is harder than when I first started and all I want to do right now is eat more chocolate and chips and eggs from easter...

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Goals, thoughts and updates :) oh my...

Wow a what a couple of weeks it has been, so busy that I forgot to pay my CC bill and we somehow Forgot to pay the cell phone bill too. It stressed me out so bad yesterday I started throwing things out of the File cabinet trying to find the bill to see if it had said paid on it. When I relaxed finally I was like "what the hell came over me" very scary I thought I was going to have an anurism or stroke. I am taking better care of myself all around and I feel good. I am back on my BP meds and the headaches and chest pains are going away. I am taking celexa now for my depression and I don't care for the side effects but it takes 6-8 weeks to show results. I sure hope the good outweigh the bad. I got my tooth filled and it was fine for the first 2 days then BAMN the pain hit me like a ton of bricks and i was taking so many narcotics I was sick as a dog and nauses all day. It has been about a week and it is doing better, and i can eat soft foods on it, but cold and Brushing hurt like hell. It also aches if I have soda or an energy drink, guess that is more of a reason to stay away from them both. Having a low carb energy drink once in a while wont hurt and It is a hard habbit to break, as I can esily stay away from the soda. Working on me from the inside out has been hard and stressfull but the results are so worth it. I may actually be able to stick to eating right and working out this time.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Busy busy couple of days ahead

So I am looking at a very full and busy Friday and Saturday this week. Dr apt on Friday in which I am not going to let the Dr brush me off with a 10 min exam this time. I am going to explain to her all that has been going on since I last saw her and have her fill out the Paper work for My SS advocate. Saturday Morning at 12:30am I will be going to a free health thing to get my teeth drilled and my eyes checked, it is first come first serve and I am guessing there will be tons of people there. But I am grateful and thankful for them and those that volunteer their time to help out with this great event. I have food planned out and if I have to I will walk around the parking lot to pass the time as I may be there until 6pm. But it is worth it, otherwise all the work I have had done to get the 20 years worth of calcite deposits and crap off of my teeth would be a waste of time, it will feel awesome to be able to eat on my left side after 10 years of agony. On the food front it has been great I have been taking it slow and introducing foods back into my diet. I am still struggling with the gas and irregularity I get when I eat good, something I will bring up to the doc as well. We have been walking and enjoying the sun and fresh air that i have been looking forward to for a long time. Bring on spring I am so ready for it!!!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

on a side note, to my followers

I had no intentions of bailing on you, life just got in the way and I let it get to me and stop posting for some time. I enjoy my readers comments and they do mean allot to me, again I Appologize for leaving without a word. I can't promise that I wont take a break now and then or forget to blog for awhile, but I will make an effort to at least let everyone know of my absense. I may leave but I will always be back as I feel this helps me out tremendously and may even help out others in the process. I love you all in one way or another, you have made my Journey to a better me more tolarable and have been exteremly kind and helpfull. I thank you all for this and it feels good to be back!

Movie night was good :)

We rented a movie last night and got some healthy snacks and just relaxed and enjoyed it. I made Air popped corn with EVOO sprayed and Southwest Chipotle and hot sauce sprinkled on it. We had Some pretzels with homemade Hot honey mustard and I had a rice cake with a little Almond butter and honey over the top. I brewed some green tea and put it over ice it was refreshing. All this as a snack and stayed under my calories! Eating healthy means you can eat more!! The sun is shinning today, I did a little spring cleaning and now I am enjoying a Salad some sushi and then its off for a nice walk to the store and to donate some stuff to goodwill. Have a great day everyone:)

Monday, March 28, 2011

Finally a break in the dreary weather but how long will it last? I am afraid to get my hopes up and start anything new just get disappointed. On another note I have been taking care of myself with showing regularly and taking care of my teeth and my face. it makes me feel so much more feminine and also helps my self esteem which is another thing I am greatly working on as well. I have been logging for 2 days and eating good without feeling hungry or deprived of the soda and sugar laden crap I have been eating. I guess I forgot what it was like to eat good and feel good for it. There is still much to work on but I think I'm making great strides and breakthroughs with my issues. Doing it myself is deff stressful but to me it is better than not doing anything and blaming others when all along it has been my fears of change. I still feel like I don't deserve to be happy or healthy and that is something I am working on mostly because without that I feel like I would never get better or be able to move on. I know in my heart that I am human and a good person, I care way to much and that's one of my problems. But Baby steppes and I feel I will get there this time. I'm going to be 30 and I still feel like I am 16 ooo that's not so good LOL on some levels anyways. I hope everyone enjoys the day and this great weather we are having at the moment!!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Omg, I am back again :)

Wow I have been away for so long that typing here seems so foreign to me. The end of last year was really horrible for me and I feel back into crappy eating and Depression. It was the first Christmas without my Kahlua and it was bad, i didn't even get out of bed and my boyfriend was so frustrated he made things worse by yelling at me and calling me a horrible bitch. Anyways things are slowly getting better and I am not so depressed anymore. I have gained some weight back with clothes on in the am I am at 188 pounds so I am guessing somewhere around 185 or so. Eating has not been all bad, just got back into drinking allot of diet soda and eating tons of chocolate and now coffee ice cream. *sigh* Winter always sucks for me and I cannot wait until the weather starts to get nicer, I am going to go into the rest of the year with my head held high. This is going to be my year after all I think I need it with all that has been going on. I may have made stupid choices that made my life hell but I am learning and I know what I can and cannot change so that I can have the life I want!!