Tuesday, September 29, 2009

life in a nutshell lol...

I have been so busy lately getting myself out and moving. We have been riding bikes like crazy and walking everywhere too. It feels so good and I'm just feeling so much better these days, mentally and physically and it feels amazing. Eating has been really good as well I have been learning how to better listen to my body and to actually eat something worthwhile when I am instead of munching on a few of this and hathat. I really have more hope and faith in myself then I have in the past, Im also speaking my mind to people and letting them know just how I feel instead of letting them hurt me and let me down. No more will I be that person that just lets people use and walk all over me, I am better then that and deserve better too.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Public bathrooms...

I'm not sure if anyone else has this thing about public bathrooms like me...
When I was 300 pounds I would never use a public bathroom, because I felt so bad and self conscious about having to use the Handicap stall to fit in. Well now I can go into a normal size stall with no problem and it feels good. I am no longer afraid to use a public bathroom, tho I still prefer not to if I can help it for other reasons. Does anyone else notice this or am I crazy? I mean its just another perk to being thinner and more healthy. I feel like I am on my way to better things, this weather is giving me that extra time to get my ass outside and moving and I am thankful for that. Maybe this season wont be so bad and I am going to try my damnedest to not let it get me down as it has before. I am older and I have learned to ignore my family and enjoy the times i get to spend with the ones that truly do care. Here's to me in a few months... lets hope that I can get through this, i have had the strength to get this far I can go for the goal!!!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

This feels good

This week has been good food wise and getting my but out and moving. We went for a bikeride on monday and we walked the dog in the evening like we always and should do. Went out to eat last night and I did really good, we had sizzler and I chose a Grilled lemon herb Chicken Breast, plain baked potato and the all you can eat salad bar. I made a nice size salad and added all my vegies and just a swish of shredded cheese and put on my own vinegar and oil. I ate half the chicken and half the potato and a bit of the garlic toast. I also had a bite of pineaple,honeydew and cantaloupe but it didnt taste good, but I had a slice of watermellon for my desert. We came home and took the dog for a walk and when I logged my dinner I was suprissed that I made the best choice for my dinner. Today we got up and took a bkieride to wally world to get some good water bottles so I can recycle the plastic ones I have been using. We also took a trip to target and My honey bought me some gloves to help with my hands while riding, they are pink and grey very cute. I got me a new pair of running shoes they are also pink and grey, from nike and where on sale for $49 and the nice clerk gave me $10 off too. I am happy that I am back on track and willing to put in the work to get to where I want to be, it will be hard and now that fall/winter is here/on its way I am going to struggle even more. I am so happy that it has been on the warmer side and will be for a bit longer that just gives me more time to get my but out and move. I am actually starting to enjoy bikeriding again and that makes me happy.
Thanks to Jack for the advice on my last post, for kicking my in the ass and making me realize that I am worth it and for helping me remember myself!!

Monday, September 21, 2009

Gah, why cant I get ahold of my life??

I really hate weekends, well not really I just hate that I think its ok to eat whatever I want and not do anything else. Blah I have food hangover and Im feeling shitty again. I just don't get why I am having trouble getting my life back in order. I know what I have to do but I just don't want to. Im still a fat ass and I have 60 pounds still to go before I can truly be healthy and not obese but I don't want to put in the work. I am just lazy and that comes from being a product of my Envoirnment, which I have no means of changing tho I desperatly want to. *sigh* such is life and I shall move on and just be I guess...

Saturday, September 19, 2009

plans change...

My plans for today have been changed but its OK, because I still get to spend time with my aunt. She is coming to my house instead, the guys (minus the SO) are going to the Drag races so us girls get to spend some time together, don't know what we are going to do but I am sure it will be fun. I had a good breakfast and have my lunch planned out, I just have to figure out what were doing so I can plan dinner. Have a great Saturday everyone :)

Friday, September 18, 2009

My thursday made me proud!

Yesterday was alot of fun, I had a really good time and I am sad to see my thursday market days come to a close. We walked a total of 5 miles on Thursday and I even Jogged across a bridge, tho I don't know how long it is I still did it none the less and I am so proud. Never would I think I could do that, not at 200 or 300 pounds. We also came across a long trail on our daily walks about a month or so ago, I don't know why I never mentioned it, but my goal by next summer is to be able to run the whole thing. We have never walked it, but when we bike it its about 4 miles round trip to and from my house. I didnt lose any weight this week, but I didnt gain either and after my "fail" weekend I am not suprised and also I got FLO RIDER, and we all know that bloats you and then some lol. So here I am at 184 pounds and I just want to push past and get out of the 180's once and forall, tho the last time I was under 180 was when I was 16. That was so long ago so I am happy and glad that I am no longer 200 pounds it feels good. But I cannot wait until I am actually at a normal BMI and being as short as I am that is hard, but someday I will get there. I hope that everyone has a great weekend, Im going to spend time with my aunt and help her clean her closets (yes closets I think she has like 3) which means new clothes and goodies for me. I want to see her and spend time with her too the free clothes and possibly shoes/accesories/makeup is just a perk.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

So much better :)

I sat down and talked to my BF the other night and told him how i have been feeling and what I am doing to myself because of it. He felt really bad and apologized for making me feel lonely and sad, and was happy that I actually talked to him and told him what was going on. I have been doing good lately, got back to my walking and even been trying to bike ride every day. Things have been going better and I am feeling better now that I am back on track. I still get depressed a bit when I think about all the things I want in life and what I want to do, but life happens and I am doing what is best for me and all that I can do with the situation and circumstances I am in. I just need to remember that and to not let things bother me so much as I do. In a small way I am looking forward to fall so I can buy some new boots. I love boots and have not been able to buy them because my calf is too big and my foot is small, so this fall I hope to find a perfect pair oh and I got a glimpse of the fall clothes at Tilly's and I am so looking forward to getting into them...

Monday, September 14, 2009

I must have ate a Million calories this weekend... whole cakes, bags of cookies,etc,etc BINGE CITY!!!

Wow have I been so depressed, I have had so many emotions running through me since thursday. I was a bad girl and I mean BAD, Bags of cookies for breakfast, Entire jars of Been & cheese dip, 3 bags of chips, Whole cakes, Pints of Ice cream, Candy bar after candy bar and thats just 2 days... And you know something, Food used to make me feel better, it used to fill the void of being friendless and lonely. Not anymore it didnt do a damn thing but make me feel Guilty and fat and more useless and depressed then I was before i ate it all. I weighed 190 pounds on Friday, I havnt logged my weight or food (my site has been acting too retarted since thursday so I havnt wanted to deal with it). I spun out of control and was so afraid I wouldn't come back. I guees it has to do with the changing of the season, the weather and being bored and lonely. I am back on track tho, We went to Deny's for Breakfast yesterday and I had, egg whites, fruit, wheat pancakes, 2 slices of bacon and 1 chicken susage patty. It was yummy and I was proud of myself for ordering wisley, I did drink like 8 glasses of water i never noticed how salty deny's was WHEW WEE it was terrible. I weighed myself this morning just to see where I was and it said 184.5 so I am more or less where I started on thursday before my depressive binge. I think I ate enough calories on friday and saturday to last me 2 weeks, the whole cake alone and the bags of cookies. I never want to do that again, I am feeling a little better, but I am still depressed and feeling lonely and bored.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Back on track :)

Whew, Im back on track and it feels good. We walked twice yesterday and eat really well, as today we will too, and I am thinking about a bike ride sometime today. I want to soak up as much outside activites as I can before Fall/Winter hits hard. Those are my worst months, because I am too lazy and cold to want to do much else but eat and sleep. Who knows tho I am in a different house and neighorhood, things could change. Well anyways here is too another good day on track, I need to learn to work through my emotions rather then stuffing them down with food. I am half ways there but it is hard, but in the end will be worth it.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

1 week was all it took, I have been a BAD BAD girl!

So I thought about getting back on track, but Ive been bad about kicking my ass into gear and getting it done. I feel so bad about falling so hard this last week, I feel like shit and i know its from the bad things I have been eating. My logs on NM look horrible and Ive been just eating retched, I mean I guess it could be worse. I'm still somewhat watching my portion sizes and eating healthier foods for the most part. We have not walked since Sunday evening. The air has been so bad from the wildfires all over Cali, and its been Humid and hot along with it. I just want to get back on track asap, I feel bad and I feel sick from the junk, not sleeping right, forgetting to take my meds and just plain feeling like shit. I hope I can snap back into it an get right so that I can continue to feel and stay healthier.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

wow, what a long week...

Oh wow its so good to be back, I have been away so long I can't remeber the last thing I blogged about. I was out of commision due to a Nasty Virus I picked up out in the interweb, stress built up and I didnt eat or sleep well. Lots of full fat blended Esspreso drinks and energy drinks to keep me up so I could take care of things. Tomorow is WI in day so we shall see what damage comes from it. I am back and I feel much better, I got a good night sleep I ate a good breakfast and i am planning a good and healthy lunch and dinner for tonight. Because of the unforseen expenses for my Puter we are broke and not going anywhere for awhile, so no farmers market and walk on the riverfront today, I am bumbed but it was necessary. $125 later and My computer has a brand new OS and a Kickass Security suite on it, I lost all my pictures and it hurt for a long time, because they cannot be replaced like software, music and movies can. I learned my lesson on that and we got a Passport to store all of our Pictures on and never have to worry about loosing them again (any new ones that is). Well I just thought that I would update hopefully i will be blogging more again Like I used to now that things seem to be back on track.