Sunday, April 5, 2009

I am so hurt and scared right now

I know some of this post may not be about weight loss, but I just feel like I need to write down these feelings before I do something I will regret later.

When I was younger I had a best friend and we were very close from like 2nd grade up until I turned 16. We did everything together young girls would, play dress up, go to the pool and we were always out doors playing and having fun. When I was in my late 16teens I was hooked on drugs and had a Boyfriend who at the time was 35 years old. Well one day I called my friend and her Grandma procedded to yell at me and tell me that This friend wanted nothing to do with me. For years and years I never knew why, i never got close to another female therefore I never
really had any girl friends to talk to or hang out with. Well here it was going on my 26th birthday and I find this friend on Myspace of all places, and I called her and she rushed right over to my house. It was late and all and the comotion woke up my mom, and upon seeing what it was all about it brought my mom to tears. We caught up, we hung out all the time we did some fun stuff, and I was no longer in a stuper and my depression had lightened up a bit. over the course of a year we would hang out all the time, I was always there for her, rescued her when her grandpa died, took her out to have a good time when she was having a bad day, was there when her roomate Commited suicide, even helped her clean out the house and move. There it was after she had moved very far away from where I live, money got tight for me and my SO and we told her that we couldnt hang out as much because of funds. Well farther and farther we have driffted apart, sure she was there in Dec when I put my dog to sleep, there the day my aunt died in Feburary, but no where to be seen anytime between then and now. She doesnt call and when I confront her about not being there for me, she turns it around on her and her problems, not having time yada yada, Yet she has time to go 2 hours to the casino and gamble every other night. Spend time with her new friend that lives next door which she will lie about, but lo and behold MYSPACE doesnt lie and people leave comments and Some people arent Stupid. So here I am now, very alone, hurt and just not knowing what to do with myself because it seems I have figgured out that in reality she isnt as true of friend as I thought. I want to get high, I want to drink, I want to eat... I guess I am feeling sorry for myself at this point, because I still feel like there is something deeply wrong with me, why I have never had someone I could call a true friend, they just use me up and throw me away. Its happened my whole life, and everyone around me always said that it is there loss and not me, but them and for a minute I believed them. But now Im not so sure, i believe things happen to me because I deserve them. I am not a bad person, I guess I just make bad choices with my life, explains why I am going to be 28 and I have no job, only 1 time in 2000 I worked as a Pet care tech and an avon rep for about 11 months. I still live at home, no income except my FS and GA I get. No car and no friends, I just dont trust people anymore and I am afraid of meeting new people because of the things that have happened to me in the past. I guess I am always going to be a loser because I dont know how to change this RUT I am stuck in. Ive applied severel times at all the fast food joints, denny's Video places, grocery stores you name it Ive put in a aplication. No one has ever called me back! I just really hate this, and I dont want to give up or give in on my goals because they are important to me, but I feel so alone and hurt and scared!!

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