Depression is a real B@%^H

Its getting worse, the depression and the emotional eating and I am afraid I am so far gone there is no coming back. I have gained back 20 pounds in the last 3 months, and at the rate of emotional binging I am sure it will be 30 or 40 if I continue on this destructive path. You see if you are a follower then you would know that I have sever home issues and live in a very toxic environment. Lately I am just tired of fighting and I have given up and given in. I still cannot grasp what everyone has expressed to me about it being my money and my right to buy and cook what I want and just because I live her rent free doesn't mean I don't deserve respect. I can stand up for myself to just about anyone except my parents. Things are just so bad right now and I am thankful that I have given up the drinking and I am def to old to be drugging, so the next best (or just as worse in reality) is food. I don't know what happened but I am not the same person I was a year ago, I still miss my dog dearly and with the holidays coming up it is just awful. I really have nothing in the way of support, friends or a social life, the people I know just don't have time for me anymore and it freaking hurts. How does one go on and get through the tough times with enabling toxic situation that I have no means to get out off, and no one to lean on or support and motivate. Giving up completely is not too far from my mind lately, I just feel like "what am I fighting for"? I'm going to be 30 still live at home with no job, too many mental issues and what little income I have goes towards food and bills, no car and a relationship that i feel will never go anywhere. It will be 6 years in July and I feel like there is no future, I have someone I have known for a really long time who I guess is the closest I get to a friend who met someone about a month ago, hit it off so well that she moved in with him and they are getting married next year. Now normally I would think its to fast, but knowing her and how she is if they are still together 24/7 all this time then there is def something there because she it the type that either the other person or her gets on the nerves after about 2-3 days. I am happy for her I really am but what does that say about me, 6 years and not even a ring or a proposal I guess that's another thing that has been bothering me also, that and all these acquaintances are all doing tings with their lives and are able to do what they want when they want. I don't have that freedom or luxury, i truly feel like a loser, never been to a party, never stayed in a hotel (other than to get high in my old days) but that's not the same. I have never really been out of California (once on my 21st b-day when we went to Reno NV) Barely out of Sacramento, just the bay area and One time to SO Cal but it wasn't very pleasant. I fail at life and I guess I am truly just biding my time...

I am all over the place...

Todays eating was way worse then yesterday, I mean cookies and Dorritos for breakfast, 1/4 pound of chocolate for a snack, a healthy wrap for lunch, followed by more Dorritos. Then a light dinner and 8 more cookies, oh yeah and a half a slice of pumpkin bread. Someone shot me! I hate this hold the depression has over my emotional eating. Time to unwind an try to sleep tonight.

Ahhh Booo...

So i stayed on track all but about 2 weeks and felt fantastic again. Then poof out of nowhere I fell off the wagon again. I do not know what is going on but things are just all out of whack lately and I just cannot seem to get things together. This time of year is just awful for me as it is and my mind just isn't it anymore. I guess I am tired of fighting with my parents about food and groceries. I will never matter that I am the one that buys the food and cooks, I still have to please them because I live under their roof. My mom buys so much crap and I cannot stop her, sure I don't have to eat it, but then it goes to waste and I get yelled at for it. Or sometimes I just have a hard time resisting the candy and chips that are brought in. I weighed in at the DR office today at 186.4 pounds, that is way too much considering I was at 170 in August. I am bummed out and depressed and there is a ton of Crap surrounding me, Halloween candy that we bought because it was on sale, and I mean 7 big bags full of it and not to mention I have been baking cookies and eating 4-5 at a time. Real homemade cookies each batch with at least 1-2 pounds of butter in them and white sugar on top of the brown sugar. I know they are better for me then the crap you buy thats loaded with things you cannot even pronounce but only in moderation and lately I don't even know what that means. I thought maybe blogging again would help to keep me on track, but when I noticed that I wasn't getting much comments and support it kinda just made me feel like I was back at square 1. I know this blog is for me, but I rely very much on others for support and advice because I don't have any friends and my family is very supportive. The SO used to be, but since he took up drinking and started working and being tired and lazy again it has been hard. Of course he has a Physically demanding job and he rides a bike to and from work (weather permitting) he can get away with the extra calories in a little bit of junk food now and then, but not me. I guess that I am being hard on myself and I know it could be worse, I still don't eat fast food, I stay away from restaurants and foods I cannot pronounce or overly processed crap, I'm still eating things I shouldn't be to the point it makes me ill. OK I think I have done enough rambling for tonight. Tomorrow is a new day and maybe I can start out slow and try and get myself going in the right direction before it is TOO LATE!

Tuesdays musings

Since I have not been logging much or blogging this month I weighed in this morning @ 177.5. That brings me back down and I feel great, so much more energy, thinking clearer for the most part. I have some issue that I am working out and verry glad that I am clear headed enough to deal with them like a normal person (or one that has mental issues) lol. The weather will be nice today & tomorrow so I am going to take advantage of it and get some fresh air and excersise. Looking forward to dinner tonight of chicken, sweet potato and fresh zuccini. Have a great Tuesday all

My Second 5k :)

Today was the Making Strides against Breast Cancer 5k walk. We did it and feel great about it. Never in a million years would I have thought me, my honey, my mom and my aunt would be walking in a 5k let alone 2. This is our second one this year and I am actually looking forward to doing more and maybe even a 10k. I am not a runner due to my asthma but I still feel that walking and participating is not only helping others out it is also for my health. Eating has been great, tho last night I had 3 pieces of Halloween chocolate. But I didn't take that as a queue to keep eating crap instead I had some popcorn and fruit. It is cold and rainy here is Sacramento right now and not much to do but stay inside and keep warm and dry. Mom and honey are both sleeping, as they had not so great food for lunch. I was feeling nauseous so I came home and had a few Ryvita crackers and a half a banana and lots of water. My tootsies are cold all of a sudden lol well it is cold in my house as we have had such awesome weather this comes at as kinda a surprise. I feel good about getting back into my blogging, tho I miss all the encouragement and comments I have gotten in the past. I know I just need to keep on writing and hope for the best.

still going in the right direction

I have been eating clean for 3 days now and im feeling awesome. Did 2.25 miles today and so headed in the right direction. Sunday will be my 2nd 5k and i am excited and very proud. well i am blogging from my phone and its getting late. Time for sleepies, good night blogging friends, hope everyone has an awesome Friday!

Headed in the right direction :)

It took me awhile but I am on the way to being on track for good. I have been eating clean and drinking lots of water and I feel fantastic. I do not know why i ever stopped, because I tell you feeling like this is far better than how I have been feeling in the last 2 months. My apologies for not blogging as much as I did in the past, I just feel like it is always the same Ole crap that I vent, rant and complain about. Most of it I am working on and part of it is a whole helluva lot harder.

I am just glad to be feeling better and doing better eating wise. My next step is to get moving more, I have made a small goal to walk everyday and workout at least 3 times a week. The walking has been easier than the working out, I should get off my duff and go work out I have a couple hours to kill before bed time. Have a great night everyone!!

Weekends...

This getting back on track is harder than I thought, even more so then it was when I first started my Journey. I could have done a lot worse and I have at least been trying to make the better choices of what I am eating. Yesterday was very stressful and for lunch I had a half a extra small banana and a snack size PB cup. Dinner was better except it consisted of bread, lunch meat, cheese and toppings that were Sodium laden. The one thing I cannot seem to get a handle on again is the sodium. I have a Cheese addiction and that doesn't seem to help it either.

Sundays are so lazy here and I really just want to crawl into bed and take a nap. The weather outside is weird it was cloudy windy and rainy and now its clear and the sun is shinning. I know I want to work out later in the evening but I am thinking a walk might be in order to cheer me up and get my heart pumping.

It is a new week and I know it will be better, weekends always are the worst for me, but I am working on changing that. Hope everyone is having a great weekend!!!

Things are going well :) and I am excited about it!

Thank god tomorrow is Friday! I have had a nice couple of days on the excersice front. Eating has been OK, except in the evenings because I have TOM visiting :(. I went to the gym yesterday and did 23 minutes on the Treadmill, 17 on the Elliptical and 6 on the bike. I also used that arm thing y that looks like a y and it is behind you and you push it up LOL no idea what it is called. I would have liked to have done more but the person I was with was done after an hour. Today I worked out to Hip Hop Abs, I don't really like it because it was more an ab thing then anything but it was the Fat burning cardio, and there was a lot of aerobic dance in it. Going to do this again next week and I am looking forward to going to the gym again. It is just a fitness center at my cousins Condo but it is still nice and outside the norm for me. Makes me start thinking about saving a bit to join the gym with my honey. Now I just need to get my late night snacking and Cheese Addiction under control. My fat, Sat Fat and Cholesterol have been all over the place lately. That and sodium and that is no Buenos. No fear tho I am already feeling better and excited about doing something different and having my cousin to talk to about things as I have not really had anyone other than my honey to talk to. Now if I could just get my sleeping back on track then i will be good... Did a no no today and drank an entire 24 ounce can of low carb monster. I got up yesterday morn at 5:20 am after a poor nights sleep and again this am at 7 with semi poor sleep. I am tired and I think I will take a nice leisure bath tonight with some tea.

Lets give this another shot.. I miss you all!!!

Looks like I have lost a few Followers in my abscense. I know that I have been away far to long, I guess I just needed a break for a bit. I am back on track now and doing good. I was at 170 pounds in the beginning of August and as of last Friday's WI I am up to 181 pounds. Going to a Gym with my cousin in the morning and so looking forward to it. It feels good to be back to eating right and healthy and to move. I worked out today to my daily dozen and it felt awesome, and made me totally energized in which I have not had any energy as of late. Well I am off to relax and go to bed, have an early day tomorrow. I will get back to my blogging... I have Missed you all dearly, sorry if I have a ton of catching up to do!!!