Saturday, November 6, 2010

Depression is a real B@%^H

Its getting worse, the depression and the emotional eating and I am afraid I am so far gone there is no coming back. I have gained back 20 pounds in the last 3 months, and at the rate of emotional binging I am sure it will be 30 or 40 if I continue on this destructive path. You see if you are a follower then you would know that I have sever home issues and live in a very toxic environment. Lately I am just tired of fighting and I have given up and given in. I still cannot grasp what everyone has expressed to me about it being my money and my right to buy and cook what I want and just because I live her rent free doesn't mean I don't deserve respect. I can stand up for myself to just about anyone except my parents. Things are just so bad right now and I am thankful that I have given up the drinking and I am def to old to be drugging, so the next best (or just as worse in reality) is food. I don't know what happened but I am not the same person I was a year ago, I still miss my dog dearly and with the holidays coming up it is just awful. I really have nothing in the way of support, friends or a social life, the people I know just don't have time for me anymore and it freaking hurts. How does one go on and get through the tough times with enabling toxic situation that I have no means to get out off, and no one to lean on or support and motivate. Giving up completely is not too far from my mind lately, I just feel like "what am I fighting for"? I'm going to be 30 still live at home with no job, too many mental issues and what little income I have goes towards food and bills, no car and a relationship that i feel will never go anywhere. It will be 6 years in July and I feel like there is no future, I have someone I have known for a really long time who I guess is the closest I get to a friend who met someone about a month ago, hit it off so well that she moved in with him and they are getting married next year. Now normally I would think its to fast, but knowing her and how she is if they are still together 24/7 all this time then there is def something there because she it the type that either the other person or her gets on the nerves after about 2-3 days. I am happy for her I really am but what does that say about me, 6 years and not even a ring or a proposal I guess that's another thing that has been bothering me also, that and all these acquaintances are all doing tings with their lives and are able to do what they want when they want. I don't have that freedom or luxury, i truly feel like a loser, never been to a party, never stayed in a hotel (other than to get high in my old days) but that's not the same. I have never really been out of California (once on my 21st b-day when we went to Reno NV) Barely out of Sacramento, just the bay area and One time to SO Cal but it wasn't very pleasant. I fail at life and I guess I am truly just biding my time...


  1. Becca, i just discovered your blog today and have not read prior posts. I read your profile and see that you have lost over 100 lbs and that is so inspiring to me. Look at what you have accomplished! That is amazing. Congratulations!

    I empathize with your depression as I have bipolar 2 disorder and when I am depressed, it hits hard.

    The best antidepressant ever, for me, is exercise..and it doesn't have to cost anything, as you know. Does cardio exercise help your depression?

    One of the obvious biggest hurdles is that we may know it helps, but if you're so depressed, dragging yourself outside for a walk may as well equate with pulling a 2 ton vehicle.

    I have not "arrived" and never will..but I do have a word of wisdom for you. You are a remarkable young woman and you need to STOP bashing yourself with the negative self talk. Squash that inner That's what it is..a bully. You are not a "loser" and I believe you have a lot more power over your situation than you believe. I spent my life until I was almost/about 30 under the "control" of my parents..even after I married. It is HARD work to break free...but it CAN be done.

    If you can lose 125 lbs, you have what it takes to fix other parts of your life also. You sound like a strong woman to me. If you've gained back some of the weight, today is a NEW day and you KNOW you can lose it again..and I have no doubt you will.

    Feel free to email me. :) Hang in there!!

  2. Hey Becca, I haven't stopped by in a while, I remember reading about your dog! It sounds like you are going through a very rough time right now. I think that I sometimes battle with depression and one of the things that helps me is to get outside myself. The holidays are coming up, maybe it would help to volunteer at a shelter. Focus outward instead of inward. Sometimes we need a break from our lives.

    My son and I will sometimes go to a place near us called Southeastern Guide dogs, they need people to hug/pet/love on their puppies and to walk/brush and love on their older dogs. maybe you have something like that in your area?

    Just a thought! I hope that things start looking up for you soon!

  3. I am so sorry that you are struggling... but your words really moved me and made me realize that I need to get my crap together too. I get more and more lenient about my food choices and I am afraid to see that I have gained back as well. You have done amazing things losing 125 pounds and everything else will just come in time. You are still young but perhaps you need to find out what your boyfriend's plans for the future may be. If that relationship is not going to give you what you need... you may need to let it go. I met my husband when I was still in a "going nowhere" relationship and I was lucky that I was open to a change... because leaving the old and giving George a chance was the best decision I ever made. You are going to have everything you want but sometimes it's a waiting game and feeling better about yourself in the meantime is very important. Men are irresistibly attracted to confident women, your man may make his big move if he realizes that you are ready to move on... without him. Anyway, you got this thing... You can easily lose whatever weight you've gained back but tomorrow is a NEW day. Give it all you've got and each day will get easier and easier. I am taking my own advice... you'll see. *Maria*-Blogger from "This one time at BAND Camp..." Follow my journey at

  4. i,m sorry that u feel this way at the moment! its never nice falling into a ever growing pit of dispar!! i just hope u find that ladder soon and climb out!.
    do u love your boyfriend? have u ever spoke about how u feel and that he hasnt done anything yet maybe he needs a kick but then if u are unhappy in the relationship maybe u should call it a day it may help with part of the depression it will be one less thing to worry about! are ur parents supportive at all!??

    hope u have a better week hun
    p.s i think ur are a complete stunner and u will find love very easily!