Friday, June 12, 2009
How does one become truly happy with thier lives?
The following has nothing to do with weight loss, but more about life in general. How does one become truly happy with thier lives? With so many obsticals, the economy,family,etc etc... And what do you do when you are not happy with the way your life has turned out or where you see your future headed. Now I know many will say change it, but is it really as easy as changing it? I don't know if anyone else feels the same way as I do, I love my boyfriend, he is good to me in so many ways but we do not have the life that I want. I want to be married to a man that has a job and a vehicle, money to be able to start a family and financial security. I don't want to be living with my parents and having them support me and my boyfriend, depend on using thier vehicle all the time to do things and have permision to do things. I also want girlfriends that I can hang out with and be able to talk to, go out as couples do, I have never had any of this. I know I cannot change the other person, but by myself I don't have what it takes to be on my own, mentally or financily. I have tried to get a job for several years now and its a fail fail cituation because of my mental state and the way I feel about people and authority. So what am I to do with this life I have and am so unhappy with? I don;t want to loose my boyfriend I do love him and cannot picture my life without him in it, but in some ways I feel like I am setteling. I also don't want to start over, and I feel like really who is going to want to be with someone like me, that is 28 obese, still living with her parents, and has terrible problems and low self esteem? Im not trying to put myself down, I feel I am speaking the truth about myself, I am obese and I do have a ton of problems I wouldnt wish on anyone. But what am I honestly to do with what I have to become happy and Live the life I want to have? Or should I try to learn to be happy with what I have because it isnt so bad? But what about feeling like Im not living the way I should be or serving my purpose here on earth? I want to be married and have a family, Im 28 years old pushing 30 soon and no offense to anyone, but I want to be able to keep up with my children that is if I can even have them... Im tired of living off General assistance and food stamps, Im tired of having bi-polar disorder and having to go through all the BS to get SSI, I have a cort date coming up on the end of the month and I am scared shitless. I have never been to court but once when I was young for not wearing my seetbelt. I am shy and get really freeked out and have anxiety attacks around alot of people and authority. I don't want to live like this, but what am I really to do, I want to change it, but HOW with the way things are? I feel like I have no direction, no drive to better myself and truly be happy...
Thursday, June 11, 2009
why am I crying
The tears just keep coming, been like that all day. I want to crawl under a rock so I dont have to feel anymore!
no one to blog to but myself... I need to vent regardless
So Im about to rant, and feel free to add your two cents on thefollowing I am about to write.
I understand that my parents have taken care of me these 28 years of my life,and I don't mind helping them out and doing things around the house. Butwhen is enough, enough? It went from doing the dishes daily and Dusting/vacuming one a week, to dishes daily, cooking, cleaning the kitchen afterwards keeping the house clean. Now they want me to dust/vacume sweep/mop daily? I mean what the hell,I do what I can Im only one person and I do my best. But when i want to dosomething, all hell breaks loose, they get attitudes and critisise, make commentsand I just feel like I am here to be the "house bitch". Sometimes I just want to say no and yell, but Im a pushover and I don't say shit, i let it bother me and letit build up inside me. It's like the same with me and trying to do anything for myself, trying to looseweight is so hard living with my parents, because I have to do for them and cook what they like and make things for them, and really I cant always afford to buy myown foods to make seperate from them. They also put down my ideas and thoughts, I get critisised and rediculed about what I eat and what I want to do to lose weight.Just like when I was younger and was looking for a job, my parents always told me no that they didnt want me doing this, or that they wouldnt help me get to work orbuy a uniform or whatnot. Anything to keep me from doing things I wanted to do and possibly to keep me at home so I didnt make friends and learn things about the realworld.
I know I am an adult and I have made my own adult choices, and most would proboblytell me to quit blamming them for where I am with my life now. How could I not blame them, when they kept me sheltered and treated me like shit.I want to get away from this toxic enviornment, but I cant possibly live on 140 dollars a month. The econmy is shit right now, and if people who have deggress and experiancecant find work, then how the hell is a person with little to no experinace and a mentalillness going to get one?
When I was younger I went through Psychaitry, Therapy, deppression/cognitive behaivor classesgroup therapy... it didnt do shit for me, I cant remeber any of it except that all the dr's andsocial workers,told me to get outa the toxic Envoirnment I am in with my parents. that was 11 yearsago and here I am today still fucked up as ever and in the same rut I have been in all my life.
It isnt enough that you get teased and picked on at school by peers and even some teachersbut when your own family does it and treats you like shit your whole life, you alwayswonder if there really is something wrong with you. You grow up with no friends, people who useyou, walk all over you boyfriends who deny being with you, or are ashamed of you, and others say oh its not you its them. I mean really if its happened all your life from everyone around you in reality is it really them?
I started drinking at 14 and smoking pot to numb the pain and deal with things. I always wantedattention but got it in all the wrong ways, by 16 I was a meth addict and by 18 i wassmoking ounces a day, doing things I shouldnt have done and just plain screwed up in the mind.I know my 6 year addiction has alot to do with where I am now, and I thank god that I have beenclean for almost 5 years, but im in the same place and cituation I was then, just without the drugsI use food, just not the way one would think. I go through some days where things don't go rightwhere I say really wtf am I doing this for and i will eat small amounts of things I shouldn't havethinking that they will ease my pain and make me magically happy somehow. In the end I just feelworse and it doesnt change a damn thing. It also doesnt help that i have no one to talk to, i meanmy So already knows all of this, he knows how I feel and sometimes I really question if he trulyloves me because he keeps me here to endure all of this crap, it is easy for him to ignore itbut ive lived with it all my life, I have had enough and he doesnt see that. But on the other hand i look at it the same as I do me, what can he possibly do, with no income and no vehicleor mode of transpirtaion. There are so many things that i can weigh out about my/our cituationand there are so many views that I am uterly confussed...
Right now I just want to escape reality, not have to think about any of this. Not have to deal withthe emotions I am feeling right now, not have to keep bringing up the same subjects over and overand not do a damn thing to change them... How can I change them???
I understand that my parents have taken care of me these 28 years of my life,and I don't mind helping them out and doing things around the house. Butwhen is enough, enough? It went from doing the dishes daily and Dusting/vacuming one a week, to dishes daily, cooking, cleaning the kitchen afterwards keeping the house clean. Now they want me to dust/vacume sweep/mop daily? I mean what the hell,I do what I can Im only one person and I do my best. But when i want to dosomething, all hell breaks loose, they get attitudes and critisise, make commentsand I just feel like I am here to be the "house bitch". Sometimes I just want to say no and yell, but Im a pushover and I don't say shit, i let it bother me and letit build up inside me. It's like the same with me and trying to do anything for myself, trying to looseweight is so hard living with my parents, because I have to do for them and cook what they like and make things for them, and really I cant always afford to buy myown foods to make seperate from them. They also put down my ideas and thoughts, I get critisised and rediculed about what I eat and what I want to do to lose weight.Just like when I was younger and was looking for a job, my parents always told me no that they didnt want me doing this, or that they wouldnt help me get to work orbuy a uniform or whatnot. Anything to keep me from doing things I wanted to do and possibly to keep me at home so I didnt make friends and learn things about the realworld.
I know I am an adult and I have made my own adult choices, and most would proboblytell me to quit blamming them for where I am with my life now. How could I not blame them, when they kept me sheltered and treated me like shit.I want to get away from this toxic enviornment, but I cant possibly live on 140 dollars a month. The econmy is shit right now, and if people who have deggress and experiancecant find work, then how the hell is a person with little to no experinace and a mentalillness going to get one?
When I was younger I went through Psychaitry, Therapy, deppression/cognitive behaivor classesgroup therapy... it didnt do shit for me, I cant remeber any of it except that all the dr's andsocial workers,told me to get outa the toxic Envoirnment I am in with my parents. that was 11 yearsago and here I am today still fucked up as ever and in the same rut I have been in all my life.
It isnt enough that you get teased and picked on at school by peers and even some teachersbut when your own family does it and treats you like shit your whole life, you alwayswonder if there really is something wrong with you. You grow up with no friends, people who useyou, walk all over you boyfriends who deny being with you, or are ashamed of you, and others say oh its not you its them. I mean really if its happened all your life from everyone around you in reality is it really them?
I started drinking at 14 and smoking pot to numb the pain and deal with things. I always wantedattention but got it in all the wrong ways, by 16 I was a meth addict and by 18 i wassmoking ounces a day, doing things I shouldnt have done and just plain screwed up in the mind.I know my 6 year addiction has alot to do with where I am now, and I thank god that I have beenclean for almost 5 years, but im in the same place and cituation I was then, just without the drugsI use food, just not the way one would think. I go through some days where things don't go rightwhere I say really wtf am I doing this for and i will eat small amounts of things I shouldn't havethinking that they will ease my pain and make me magically happy somehow. In the end I just feelworse and it doesnt change a damn thing. It also doesnt help that i have no one to talk to, i meanmy So already knows all of this, he knows how I feel and sometimes I really question if he trulyloves me because he keeps me here to endure all of this crap, it is easy for him to ignore itbut ive lived with it all my life, I have had enough and he doesnt see that. But on the other hand i look at it the same as I do me, what can he possibly do, with no income and no vehicleor mode of transpirtaion. There are so many things that i can weigh out about my/our cituationand there are so many views that I am uterly confussed...
Right now I just want to escape reality, not have to think about any of this. Not have to deal withthe emotions I am feeling right now, not have to keep bringing up the same subjects over and overand not do a damn thing to change them... How can I change them???
How does one become truly happy with thier lives?
The following has nothing to do with weight loss, but more about life in general.
How does one become truly happy with thier lives? With so many obsticals, the economy,family,etc etc... And what do you do when you are not happy with the way your life has turned out or where you see your future headed. Now I know many will say change it, but is it really as easy as changing it? I don't know if anyone else feels the same way as I do, I love my boyfriend, he is good to me in so many ways but we do not have the life that I want. I want to be married to a man that has a job and a vehicle, money to be able to start a family and financial security. I don't want to be living with my parents and having them support me and my boyfriend, depend on using thier vehicle all the time to do things and have permision to do things. I also want girlfriends that I can hang out with and be able to talk to, go out as couples do, I have never had any of this. I know I cannot change the other person, but by myself I don't have what it takes to be on my own, mentally or financily. I have tried to get a job for several years now and its a fail fail cituation because of my mental state and the way I feel about people and authority. So what am I to do with this life I have and am so unhappy with? I don;t want to loose my boyfriend I do love him and cannot picture my life without him in it, but in some ways I feel like I am setteling. I also don't want to start over, and I feel like really who is going to want to be with someone like me, that is 28 obese, still living with her parents, and has terrible problems and low self esteem? Im not trying to put myself down, I feel I am speaking the truth about myself, I am obese and I do have a ton of problems I wouldnt wish on anyone. But what am I honestly to do with what I have to become happy and Live the life I want to have? Or should I try to learn to be happy with what I have because it isnt so bad? But what about feeling like Im not living the way I should be or serving my purpose here on earth? I want to be married and have a family, Im 28 years old pushing 30 soon and no offense to anyone, but I want to be able to keep up with my children that is if I can even have them... Im tired of living off General assistance and food stamps, Im tired of having bi-polar disorder and having to go through all the BS to get SSI, I have a cort date coming up on the end of the month and I am scared shitless. I have never been to court but once when I was young for not wearing my seetbelt. I am shy and get really freeked out and have anxiety attacks around alot of people and authority. I don't want to live like this, but what am I really to do, I want to change it, but HOW with the way things are? I feel like I have no direction, no drive to better myself and truly be happy...
How does one become truly happy with thier lives? With so many obsticals, the economy,family,etc etc... And what do you do when you are not happy with the way your life has turned out or where you see your future headed. Now I know many will say change it, but is it really as easy as changing it? I don't know if anyone else feels the same way as I do, I love my boyfriend, he is good to me in so many ways but we do not have the life that I want. I want to be married to a man that has a job and a vehicle, money to be able to start a family and financial security. I don't want to be living with my parents and having them support me and my boyfriend, depend on using thier vehicle all the time to do things and have permision to do things. I also want girlfriends that I can hang out with and be able to talk to, go out as couples do, I have never had any of this. I know I cannot change the other person, but by myself I don't have what it takes to be on my own, mentally or financily. I have tried to get a job for several years now and its a fail fail cituation because of my mental state and the way I feel about people and authority. So what am I to do with this life I have and am so unhappy with? I don;t want to loose my boyfriend I do love him and cannot picture my life without him in it, but in some ways I feel like I am setteling. I also don't want to start over, and I feel like really who is going to want to be with someone like me, that is 28 obese, still living with her parents, and has terrible problems and low self esteem? Im not trying to put myself down, I feel I am speaking the truth about myself, I am obese and I do have a ton of problems I wouldnt wish on anyone. But what am I honestly to do with what I have to become happy and Live the life I want to have? Or should I try to learn to be happy with what I have because it isnt so bad? But what about feeling like Im not living the way I should be or serving my purpose here on earth? I want to be married and have a family, Im 28 years old pushing 30 soon and no offense to anyone, but I want to be able to keep up with my children that is if I can even have them... Im tired of living off General assistance and food stamps, Im tired of having bi-polar disorder and having to go through all the BS to get SSI, I have a cort date coming up on the end of the month and I am scared shitless. I have never been to court but once when I was young for not wearing my seetbelt. I am shy and get really freeked out and have anxiety attacks around alot of people and authority. I don't want to live like this, but what am I really to do, I want to change it, but HOW with the way things are? I feel like I have no direction, no drive to better myself and truly be happy...
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Things are starting to look up!!
Wow things are getting back to normal now well almost anyways. I still havnt worked out because my knee is now killing me all day long and I have no idea whats going on. i can walk without problems but when I sit or walk up stairs or sleep with it bent it kills me. I had surgery on it when I was younger I had a Dislocated patella that they couldnt see on the x-ray. So I am wondering if I just aggrivated it somehow, i just hope it gets to feeling better soon beacause I miss Working out with jilian and on the eliptical. Good news today tho I weighed in at 197 pounds which is such a relief for me as I have been teetering between 199-201 for so long. It has been a good weekend so far, we did some shoping today and i tried on a size 17 shorts from op and they actually fit, but I didnt buy them because they were hot shorts and tho I have lost alot of weight I still feel like i am too fat to wear the teenage style clothes that I have craved most of my life. I am also back on track with my eating which makes me feel good also, staying green is an acomplishment for me. There are still so many things I have not given up but alot that I have. I still believe that it works best for me to not give up everything, my biggest one is sweets and chips. The chips I don't eat offten if at all but the sweets, its hard for me to stay away from chocolate and grahm crackers, tho I have cut my portions down dramatically on the things I consider treats. On a side note, the house is really coming along starting to feel more like home and look more lived in. Update on my dad, he is doing awesome, he is eating again and he is doing alot of things around the house, he is mean with the dog now and I dont like it, she was always his baby girl and with him all the time, now she avoids him because he yells at her all the time and tells her to go away when she wants lovin. :( ive mostly been avoiding him too, he has been a drunk all my life so I guess I have a fear that he will change how he feels about me now that he is sober. Sorry for the long post, its been a while since I blogged so I had alot to write!
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Them pills made me sick
I got myself up yesterday a little on the later side and didnt eat breakfast. I did workout to the 30 day shred and somehow later in the evening my knee started to hurt very bad. Im taking so many different meds I wasnt sure if it was ok to take motrin. So i took a Tramadol (ultram) because I know it is safe to take with all the other meds. 3 hours later it didnt seem to do anything but make me loopy and headachey. the pain was so bad i opted to take a Norco and i split it in half. Oh did the pain go away until about 3 and then I felt so sick, It felt like my blood was all warm circulating my body and I was sick to my tummy. I was up half the morning Being sick. I will never be taking narcatics again! Ive had lots of gatoraide/poweraide crackers and a little bit of soup.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
I'm just plain sick and tired
I did not do a damn thing yesterday but sleep and cry, why? Im guessing I have fallin back into that dredded depression. I did not want to get out of bed at all today but I did and I am still misarable, ive givin up on my eating right and ecersising, I keep asking myself what for, does it really matter no one really cares about what I want or what I would like, so I might as well just say forget it all. Im tired of fighting with people over wether or not I can eat this or thAt just one time because I don't do it all the time crap. Im tired of doing everything everyday, I feel like I am just here to take care of the cooking, cleaning the phone calls the apointments, keep track of this that and the other.... Im just plain sick and tired!!!
Monday, June 1, 2009
Still at 199, and wondering about the 30 day shred...
I took a break from the shred on friday, but I only took that day off because I could barely get out of bed and was so tired all day and sore. Ive since gotten back into the routine and am hoping I will do it everyday. For me tho it seems to get harder everyday and I dont know if it is because each day Im pushing myself a little harder. Jilian says that by day 6 or 7 you should be doing great and have better endurance, i don't know about that. I want to know how long before you start seeing results and also when should you go from level 1 to level 2? I was thinking like 2 weeks, but that is just my guess. Im still at 199 pounds, its been almost 2 weeks and im not seeing any changes, Ive been green and eating good and working out. Maybe I am just not getting enough excersise as i should be.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Maybe it is why I dont push myself!
I think i finally realised or came to grips with why i think I sabatoge my weight loss efforts or why things dont always work out the way i want. I am scared shitless that if i do get all this nasty weight off me and get to a healthy bmi/body fat % whathave you, i wont be able to keep it off! I know it may sound like a copout to some but it really is a reality. I have never been a dieter, I tried taking matabolife for awhile but doing that and being a meth head didnt really blanace out. I think the only thing I ever tried to lose the weight was doing meth to get skinny. i was small a size 13 and 125 pounds, but even being addicted for 6 years i still gained weight, just most of it was after i quit cold turkey. Still I am scared that i wont be able to keep off the 100 pounds ive lost already let alone another 50 more. There are so many what ifs and thoughts about what will happen when I get down to my ideal weight. How will it affect me, and others in my life, will I be happy or miserable, having to buy new clothes and actually having to take better care of every aspect of myself not just eating and moving my ass. It is so much to think about and it is scary and it is part of why I dont push myself, why I make bad choices and why I binge...
Today was good, a little crazy but I pushed past.
Today was a crazy day, I had a apt today for that Yearly woman thing (pap) and I had called to rescedule it because as you know my dad is going thru rehab and doing detox. His apt was at 11:30 at the rehab place, and another with his dr at 3:00 well my apt was at 1 and 20 miles away near where I used to live. Needles to say I made it to my apt because i was not waiting 4 months for a rescecdule, but having to drive all over town (not me but my so) must have been way more hard on him then it was on me. Still a very stressful day, i did good eating wise, i took sensable snacks with me because I knew my eating scedule was going to be thrown off today. My apt went good and now i dont have to go back for 3 years! Although I really love the nurse practitioner who I saw, she is a very knowledgable woman and very kind, she told me that despite what society is all about that we should love our bodies because they are the only ones we have, and to listen to it and treat it good, she also said to protect your heart. It really was touching for me, to have someone who was wise and still kinda young but knew what she was talking about. I wish that all dr's, nurse practioners where like her, too bad she only specializes in family planning. I am still so sore from the 30 day shred and TOM decited to show up this afternoon and I feel really bloted, but ima press on and workout tonight.
todays eats
breakfast was high fiber maple & brown sugar oatmeal (with water) and 13 blueberries, a few small bites of scrambled egg, and 2oz vitasoy chocolate light
snack was a 90 calorie chocolate drizzle cereal bar, Oat and strawberries with almonds fiber one bar
lunch was a sandwich, with 2 slices of double fiber bread, 3 slices of turkey lunch meat, 3 pieces of salami, three cheese peperonchini spread on one slice, 1 inner leaf iceberg lettace, 3 slices of cucumber and 4 slices of zuccuni, 5 sour cream and onion soy crisps, 8oz cranergy cranbery lift
dinner was a Applebee's WW Garlic herb chicken dinner (8points)
Snack : 1 serving of fruity's: 1 6in banana, 2 cups watermellon, 1 apricot, 1 nectarine, 6 strawberries (recipe makes 6 servings) 4oz Chocolate amd 4oz NSA Strawberry banana frozen yogurt
4 liters of water
todays eats
breakfast was high fiber maple & brown sugar oatmeal (with water) and 13 blueberries, a few small bites of scrambled egg, and 2oz vitasoy chocolate light
snack was a 90 calorie chocolate drizzle cereal bar, Oat and strawberries with almonds fiber one bar
lunch was a sandwich, with 2 slices of double fiber bread, 3 slices of turkey lunch meat, 3 pieces of salami, three cheese peperonchini spread on one slice, 1 inner leaf iceberg lettace, 3 slices of cucumber and 4 slices of zuccuni, 5 sour cream and onion soy crisps, 8oz cranergy cranbery lift
dinner was a Applebee's WW Garlic herb chicken dinner (8points)
Snack : 1 serving of fruity's: 1 6in banana, 2 cups watermellon, 1 apricot, 1 nectarine, 6 strawberries (recipe makes 6 servings) 4oz Chocolate amd 4oz NSA Strawberry banana frozen yogurt
4 liters of water
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