in a bad place

I started off the day good today, I ate breakfast let it settle for an hour then I did my cardio, well half of it anyways.. had to pick up my mom from work she has been sick. When we got home I finished the other half and did a extra few mintues. Then we went to target again to return the faucet filter we got, and just decited to get the pitcher water filter instead. Things were going ok, because the SO actually got out of bed at 10 with me and didnt sleep all day... We have hardly talked all day and I have been cooking and cleaning the house all day, what has he done? Sat on his ass on the computer since we got home from target and that was at 3pm... I dont know how much more of this i can take, Im trying the approach of just doing my own thing and not trying to worry about what he is doing or not, but it is really hard.
I feel like I am slipping back into a severe depression like i was in when I was 300 pounds and unhappy. This is not a good feeling at all, i dont like the place I am in right now its scary.

AHHHHHHHHHHH Im drinking alcohol and I ate alot of candies again.. Im week, I know better but the emotions im feeling are scary and I dont want to face them... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I just need to scream

I can't take it anymore

OMG this stress I cannot take it anymore... I do everything around the house, cook, clean, dishes and sometimes laundry, Then when my mom gets home from work the bitching the arguing the mental abuse starts... I dont complain about doing things, but when I am bitched at about the way things are done, or not done I get so frustrated. Then i have a lazy ass boyfriend who still refuses to do anything to help himself out, and I know I cant change it, but i do love him and dont want to lose him! AHHH Im going nuts, I have no friends and this blog is the only way I can get this out, I cant go anywhere to get away because 1) I have no money 2) I dont have a car or liscense 3) I have nowhere to go... Im scared im going to drink way to much and binge... I just cant take it anymore

Its Lent

I did not know it was lent coming up, wow i guess I will be revising that 4 week meal plan I wrote up on sunday! Does meat also include pork and chicken too? Or is it just Red meat? Im giving up alcohol for 40 days... cuting back on the small sweets I enjoy and hopefully i will have better success at staying healthy!

Weigh in's

My WI are on friday, this is when I update my weight on my favorite site Nutrimiror. I do weigh myself every morning when I get up, after I pee. Well I havnt been doing so well with my sodium since the weekend, I didnt excersise on saturday or sunday, just shopping and some light chores around the house. Well when I weighed it said 214.5 and on friday it was at 216.5 thats 2 pounds i am down, wow lets just hope I can keep it that way. No more junk for me, its all been thrown out ( cept the candy, but its my mom's and i dont have to touch it). The alcohol is still here, but its been here for almost a year, and just recently i started drinking again, but not anymore I am done with all that. Ive got my dinners all planed out for 4 weeks in advance, we got pleanty of food here and I still have a bit of extra food money to use on fresh veggies and more fruit. I know I can do this, its time to let go of the things I cannot change and face the ones I can!! I hope everyone is having a great day!!!

Is it that easy?

So I have been thinking about it for a couple of days, after reading a few peoples posts, blogs ect... If you are serously concious about everything that you put into your body, and are eating for fuel and nutrition not starving yourself and getting the right amount of calories than can it really be that easy to shed the weight of your past? Im not saying to just eat and not burn any calories, but just being more active in your daily life, parking farther away to walk, using stairs instead of the elevator, doing daily household chores? I mean it seems that it could be that simple, but when I really think about it, if it were that simple than half of america wouldnt be obese! It really is alot to think about tho at least for me, if I stoped drinking alchohol and soda even the one or two i have every month, ate more fruit and veggies rather than snacking on proccessed foods, even if they are low in calories they still have things in them that are not good for your body. I have lost a total of 84 pounds from my highest weight which was about 300 pounds. And I am so proud of myself and what I have acomplished, but lately I feel like i am slipping back into my old ways, i still stay away from the awefull fast food, I drink pleanty of water and i try to eat as clean as i can, but the sweets ( candy, cakes and such) have slowly krept back in and the same with the alcohol. Im not beating myself up by any means nor trying to deprive myself, but I still know better, and I can still enjoy some things once in awhile without feeling guilty. But when i have a drink a two, I tend to crave junk food, if i have a small slice of cake I want more sweets, if I eat 2 pieces of candy I want more. When I think about it, if I reach for the fruit and eat that instead, i dont want those "junk foods". But it is not just the food, it the laziness, Im tired of being so lazy,i tired of making excusses and Im tired of blaming others.

What do you do when you see your partner's lack of motivation, and you start to resent there laziness and lack for life? I'm scared because lately I have not felt so close or loving to my SO, and I dont know if it is truly that I am drifting away from him or falling out of love, or it is because I am tired of watching him do nothing and go nowhere in his life? I know that I am not doing so well with my own life, but at least i am making an effort to get out of the laziness and conviance of a bad lifestyle and try to get myself healthy, that way when I am ready to go at life the way I should I will be more confidant and healthy with the right tools I need to succeed!

I know I am going to be 28 years old, I dont know how to drive, I have no friends, we have no vehicle, no job and we still live with my parents. I still blame them for alot of the way I am because of there mental abuse and there enabeling. I don't know if I should still blame them for it, because I am an adult and I made the choices I did when I was younger and even now that put me where I am today.

I don't know if it is fear of change, fear of failure and ending up back in my old ways or just not knowing where to start or what to do... I mean ive lived one hell of a sheltered life, I dont know really what is out there, Yeah I finished high school and gratuated, tried my hand at Vocational school, and working in a vet hospitol, but the drugs screwed it all up for me. Maybe not so much the drugs, but my choices to do drugs instead of living life the way I should have. Wow that sent a chill down my spine, I never thought about it that wat until it just came to me, that is a huge wake up call!!

17 things about me (from praying for lightening)

Step 1: respond and rework -- answer the questions on your own blog, replace one question that you dislike with a question of your own invention, add one more question of your own.

Step 2: tag - eight other un-tagged people Since not that many people read my blog, consider yourself tagged. Yes, YOU!

1) What are you wearing right now? A red shirt thats a little short, my fat jeans and shoes

2) What is your biggest fear? Losing my parents

3) What is the one thing you're really nerdy about? The Computer, im addicted to blogging,myspace and I play an online Role playing game.

4) Who is the last person you hugged? My Boyfriend

5) What web sites to you visit when you go online? Nutrimirror, Myspace, this blog and torrid.com

6) What was the last item you bought? A nice pair of Black kahkis from old navy ( size 16)

7) If you could go anywhere in the world , where would you go? Athens, Greece

8) When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up (and “taller” isn’t an answer, yo)? A writer or a Veterinarian

9) Has a celebrity's hair cut ever influenced your own hairstyle? not so much, i dont take to much time for my hair its always in apoof on top of my head lol

10) What is your most embarrassing moment? Prolly too many to name and i cant remember really


11) What was the last movie you watched? Max Payne

12) What was the first concert you went to? (I LOVE this question. It says so much about a person.) My first show was when I was 8 and it was the Scorpions FACE THE HEAT TOUR

13) If you were to win the Powerball, what would you do with the money (besides invest it)? What is the Powerball?

14) If you could convince everyone you knew to read one book... what book would it be, and why? The Bible. Because it the closest thing you'll ever have to a conversation with God while on Earth. << I agree with this one

15) What do you miss most? Kinda miss being a kid, tho I had a horrible childhood, everything else was so much easier.

16) This is the one I am adding.(praying for lightening) When was the last time you were on a stage and why? only time i was on stage was to walk across the platform at my High school graduation in 1998

17)This one i am adding.(becca)What is your biggest acomplishment? Graduating from high school

I hate being in a Funk, I feel like Im letting myself down!

So Here I am again in a huge funk... I binged, i slipped for days on end and what do I have to show for it? 7 pounds gained in 11 days YIKES!! I keep going over my calories eating stuff I shouldnt eat and I am paying for it. This really does suck, I mean im not trying to beat myself up or looking for sympathy, I know in my heart that it has been a hard couple of weeks. Ive been through so many bad things since Dec, loosing so many people that are close to me, now we have 3 months to find somewhere to live. I guess if I really think about it, it could be so much worse I could have gained more than 7 pounds easily. I just cant get back on track no matter how hard I try, the weather really really sucks, its so cold and Im having a hard time with eating the right things, and getting my butt in gear to excersise. Im still doing my 12 minute daily dozen, Im adding 12 more minutes of cardio to each day, and riding the bike, but its not enuff because I am gaining weight and my fat pants are getting too tight. I know when I am stressed I put on a ton of fat in my belly and back area. Blah, I dont want to give up, but I just cant find my groove. I feel like I am using the bad weather and all the stress from the heartache as an excuse...Im going to pray tonight and hopefully within this week i will get back on track... helps that the Fat food is gone from the house, minus the chocolate strawberry kiss cake that i am going to go throw away tommorow.

Support during a Tough time... When someone very close passes away

My dear Aunt passed away on Tuesday, it was so hard and is still so hard. We were very close when I was little and thru my teens she was like a 2nd mom to me, my best friend in so many ways. She moved to tenneessee about 6 or 7 years ago, we grew apart and i hardly got to talk to her let alone see her. She was very sick with ovarian cancer and the chemo they were giving her only killed her faster. She will be forever missed but never forgotten!
Eating right and excersizing has been so tough since last thursday, i tried and i feel like even though I ate late lunches and dinners and even skipped meals, i did ok. Saturday was a bad day with the whole family and so much food, i splerged a bit mostly grazed on very small portions of things, but i also got alot of fruits and veggies in as well. Yesterday wasnt so good either i had 4 mini chocolates and a cinamon roll. Today we went to an itallian resturant, and I ordered a lunch off the low fat menu. But then i got a magarita and tiramisu which is SOOOOO bad. Oh well tommorow is a new day and I am planning to get back to eating right and excersising again. I never planned for what was happening even though I had a clue that things were going to be bad. I am very sad and I dont think it has hit me yet, and Im scared for when it does, because I know my aunt would want me to stick with my new lifestyle and to never give up.

Weekend...

I was so off track this weekend that I was so afraid that coming back would make me feel sick. Don't get me wrong i didnt do so bad, as I could have. Saturday I ate 3 cookies, 4 cheese cubes and a smoked susage stick, a half tablespoon of spinich dip with 3 small wedges of bread,2 chips one with guac and one with french onion dip. I ttok like 3 sips of pepsi and it was nasty and made my tummy hurt. I ended up with a migraine, prolly because all of the crying, all of the commotion and the tons of body's in such a small crowded house. There was a ton of food, some not so bad and others that I did enjoy but I grazed a bit and thats what got me into trouble. I did have lots of fruit and veggies too, there was 3 or for trays full of them. I came home and ate a 6 inch chicken breast sub and had some Cottage cheese. but when going back to my cousins house I had a small slice of mini cake. When I finally settled down on saturday night I plugged everything into my NM and boy my sodium was high and I went over my calories. I didnt beat myself up at all, with all my emotions and everything that has been going on I gave myself a weekend break. Sunday I ate a good breakfast, then we went to the mall and walked around for almost 3 hours and It felt great. i skipped lunch because i didnt want to give in to the fast food that was tempting me, nor did I want to have subway again ( tho Lately due to all the back and forthness I have been skipping lunch or eating a lete lunch). I did have a good dinner when I got home, grilled chicken breast, Tri color pesto tortalini and aspargus. Yummy it was indeed. So even tho I had a crazy weekend, i came back kicking ass today, 12 minutes of cardio fat blast, took the dog for a walk, little grocery shopping and a good breakfast and lunch, I even got a snack in there also. Im feeling sorta tired and sluggish, a little headache but I think its because I had a slow weekend, and my body is in weekend mode still. I dont usually use my weekends as free days, they have been just like during the week, but since this past thursday things have gotten "off plan" so to speak.

For those of you who havnt read about it in a post on NM, I got some really devestating news about a really close family memeber who isnt do so well. So it has been back and forth for me and my mom, to my cousins house to visit, to pick up and drop off so everyone has been somewhat outa whack. And do to conflicting times and not knowing whats going to happen from one hour to the next, I havnt been able to sit down and plan for this week. I just may do that now. I hope that everyone is doing well, and if you dont see me for a few days please dont worry just pray for me and my family! Thank you

Planning... Heres one for you Dee!

Ok so I am having alot of trouble with the planning aspect of my lifestyle. I plan My day as far as what I do from the time I get up until I go to bed, this may seem OC but its more like a guidline, because life happens and things change. I try to plan my meals, and as I said before I can plan breakfast, lunch and snacks but because I live with my parents and sometimes they are not in the mood for certain foods or my mom brings home junky foods to eat. See my delemia here is sure I can plan dinner for the week on sundays, but I get no input about it from others that I live with. Should I just plan dinner and say screw it seeing as I am the one who cooks during the week? I had a horrible night last night, it started out good... mom bought some weired store bought cooked bbq pork ribs for dinner, they didnt have no nutritional information or ingredants on them. I said no way I have never eaten them and I wont, so I had planed to have a Lean Cuisine Salmon mediteranen, well after cooking it in the Micro, the noddles were all nasty and stuck together and the salmon was all tried out and YUCK. So I threw it in the trash... There was nothing else left in the house that I could consume my 400 calories and stay in green for my Soduim. So I threw a fit and went to bed, after long arguing with everyone ( i am stubborn and I stood my ground) At about 8pm my boyfriend took me to the store ( I really wanted Taco hell)I found something we came home and I made it. Went over on my soduim and calories but I worked it off. I think it showed that i starved myself for several hours when i weighed in this morning at 218.5 pounds again from the 116 I was at yesterday morn. Needless to say this has happened on several occasions, and because we dont have a vehicle and have to hope my parents are ok with us taking it to buy food when "we have plenty" here... yeah JUNK that I refuse to eat and I have a right to choose. So what can I do so that this doesnt happen again. I have been trying to eat clean, as much as I can anyways but its difficult as hell in my cituation due to lack of having the means to grocery shop more than once or twice a month. HELP