uggg

So Ive been thinking alot lately and i have moticed ive been eating alot of red meat and cheese. I havnt been going over in calories or fat, but I just know eating too much red meat and cheese is not good on my uric acid or my cholesterol. Its not as thought I am over indulging, I had roast beef sandwiches for 3 days out of the week, with a half ounce of pepper jack cheese, and non fat cottage cheese(which I dont like at all), and we had Top sirlion steak one night and then meat and gravy over rice with the leftover sirlion the next day. Whew that really is too much, and I got into an argument with my boyfriend because he says I cant take his meat away. Not at all what I am doing, was just saying that I need to cut back more. I don't want to replace meat for one I HATE tofu, and I dont like fake meat. Im not much of a red meat eater believe it or not, I perfer chicken and fish. Dont care for pork either, I mean I'll eat a small porkchop now and then but thats pushing it for me. Tho I love sasuage and bacon and ham on ocassion as well tho I have cut mostly out of my diet and am now eating turkey susage. I just feel like sometimes I am not doing enough, but i really do refuse to cut out everything, because I know that I will go back to eating everything I used to if I am deprived. I feel that I have made the changes in my diet that make a Huge difference and even the nutritionist has said that I am doing wonderful in terms of changing all I can and eating healthier. I have the food thing down for the most part, been doing it since August of 08, its the excersizing. I am a procrastonater and I am lazy at the least. I have no self motivation. I mean for me doing 15 minutes of moderate pediling on the stationary and 10 minutes of streangth training(light weight liffting) is what I do maybe 3 nights a week. Bah I want to get at least an hour of cardio/stationary/streangth training in at least 3-4 times a week and my 15-20 minute walks a day... i dont tho, mainly because I get bored and lonely because I have no one to do it with, and when I see my boyfriend laying on the bed on his computer ( like always) I get discouraged and say "ah well screw this Crap" and just sit on my own butt all day.
I know that everyone keeps telling me that motivation must come from me, but serousily I am poor at it, and Im the type of person that gives up when I see others around me slacking off or being lazy. Don't know why I am like that, and it really drives me mad, and upsets me. When I get some spare money ( which might never be) I am thinking of investing in a Sparing set.. I hear it is great cardio and seems like a healthy way to get out my anger and frustrations. Right now I am just so tired of being fat, I feel like I look disgusting and I dont really take pride or time in how I look. Life is just the suck right now, having to live with my parents, house foreclosing, going through a SSI battle and having to worry if my Aid will get cut is so much stress. Having to go to renting a house, and wondering if my boyfriend will ever get (or look for that matter) For a job is really taking a huge toll on me lately. We are arguing all the time, im feeling like I have to do everything myself feeling so alone with no one to talk to.... Good thing I have this blog here so I can get it all out and vent and ramble all I want to. Im sure I dont make much sense but at least it isnt all bottled up inside me ready to explode!!!