Thursday, January 22, 2009

Life...Drug abuse, food, metal problems and being a complete Looser.

So today was a crapy day, Since december things have been falling apart. having to put my dog down who was my best friend for 8 long years 2 days before christmas broke my heart. Finding out 2 days after new years that my uncle passed away, was even more of a blow and a total shock. I honestly kept telling myself that 2009 would be a better year for everyone, but now I am feeling like it is going to suck worse. We got a phone call from the PM company for which we aplied for a home rental thru, the denied our aplication and told us we dont meat the required credit which is 70% or better. Needless to day I was crushed and kept only thinking of the worst that we will end up on the street. I called to ask if we could have a copy of our credit reports which they were nice about. 10 minutes later they called back and said that it wasnt our credit scores that made us :"not qualify" and in reality we do qualify but the PM of the home was nervous about us having a forecloser. So they wanted a 1,8oo + 400 + 1195 Deposit for the home just to be safe. Shesh, we are by no means Bad people, its the economy, real estate being so bad that got us into the cituation were in. My parents got stuck in an Adjustable rate mortgage and my mom owes 10x what the house is worth, monthly mortgage payments are 25000 and with one income and 4 people plus bills, that is just not working. My dad lost his job in feburary of last year and hasnt been able to find anything ( he was at the same job and done the same position for over 20 years) and all the companys for which he would qualify for our going under and going bankrupt. I cant get a job, due to lack of experiance and what i am guessing is the answeres to the new "online aplication process" that is required for any job where I live. My Boyfriend, tho I love him with all of my being hasnt worked since june of 08, He did apply for several jobs and didnt get a one. that was like in august and is just giving up because of the economy, hiring freezes and People getting laid off from there jobs. I Believe that if you wanted it bad enuff and kept on looking that there has got to be something out there. My best friend lost her job today as well, and has some serious health issues to deal with and I am scared for her as well. Alot of my family memebers are loosing jobs, Homes and having health problems of there own.

Right now I am not dealing with things so well.. I either want to revert back to my Older ways and Use Drugs so I dont have to think or deal with all the emotions I have running through me right now, or go back to the old me, that ate and ate and ate for comfort. I used to think that things were so bad and would never get better through my 6 year addiction to Meth, I never dealt with my emotions because I never had any. But within the last year I have always told myself that things may be bad, but I will get through it, god wouldnt put anything in front of me that he didnt think I could handle. I think that is what has gotten me through until now. Im scared, Im sad, I feel like a complete failure as a person. A loser that cant even get a job or move from under my parents house at 27 years old. Not only struggling with my weight, drug addiction but also with Bi-polar disorder as well. that and the drugs that screwed me all up is why I didnt work and why I droped out of collage and didnt do a damn thing with my life.

I decited that it was time to stop hiding behind my drug addiction, and actually get myself out of this rut of dispair and looserness... But where do I start, what do I do, Ive lead this misarable life for 27 years. No friends, no car, no life experiance, ive never even been to a party,prom or dance. Ive never even really left home, but to use drugs and go to school.

I started using meth when I was 16 years old, I did graduate high school at 18 with 4.0 and honors. I worked at a vet hospitol and went to western carrer collage in 2000. But the drug use got so bad that I was slacking off at work and just quit then droped out off collage because it interfered with my Drugie lifestyle. Being so young and addicted to drugs and being so sheltered from real life, My brain was so far gone and still is out of whack that I am afraid that I am going to just be stuck living with my parents my entire life. Not knowing what is out there for me, and always hiding behind some excuss. But once again what do I do, where do I start... not that I havnt tried so many times, but ive always been screwed over, lied to and hurt that I just dont trust anyone anymore. Evertime a Oporitunity opened up when I was a bit younger than I am now for job or school my parents always shot it down telling me they wont pay for it, they wont give me rides to or from and they dont think it is a good idea. That in itself is a whole other story, I want to get out of here and away from the negaTIVITY, my bf sees it and knows it is toxic but doesnt seem to want to do anything to help get away from it. Im not saying that i am depending on him, but he is part of my life has WAY more life experiance and I cant do it all on my own. I think he is nice and cushy living here with not having a job, not having to pay for anything and not have any GROWN UP responsibilities. Not that he doeanst help out by paying for the cell phones, the internet and gas for the vehicle, and taking me and my mom places we need to go.. but that will only last for as long as he gets Unemplyment which is running out as we speek.
My dad is an achoholic and has mentally abused me when i was little and a teen. told me I was a mistake. whished I was never born and instilled in my head that i was never worth anything, and I would and could never do anything right. i grew up thinking that and believing it, hense the drug addiction. I was bad, I never got into trouble with the law or anything I just lied and stole money to support my habbit. I never thought I was worth much more than to just be with a guy for sex. So when i met my current boyfriend I had alot of issues, that he has helped me get passed, but still it makes me wonder if he really loves me as much as he says he does why he would subject me to the BS that I get from living here at home? Im just venting... Not sure if spilling my life story on a public blog is such a good idea but oh well I need to get it out somehow, and I really dont want to turn back to the drugs or unhealthy eating. I would rather spill my guts, not make sense and look like a complete idiot than go back.

No comments:

Post a Comment