unproductive weekend

This weekend was not very productive at all. I am feeling very under the weather and it is bringing the bitch out in me. I am seriously mad about everything and at everyone lol. On the brighter side went to the gym everyday this week except Friday because it is closed. Instead we walked up to the Walmart and got our eyes checked and new Glasses! Shopped a bit and then walked home and in 3.5 hrs I Burned 1065 calories!!! But that does not make it right that I did squat this weekend except run errands on Saturday and we had movie night with snacks. But didn't do a damn thing today but eat and plop my ass in front of my PC and Play WOW... Very productive if you ask me LOL!! See my sarcasm there... yeah I know I suck at it. OK well Just wanted to put a Lil update out there. Not feeling well and so ready to go to bed, and the drugs are kicking in!

Things going on in life right now

Why do I find myself coming back after not blogging for days or weeks and feeling so bad about it? I have tried to write from my phone but it just wont let me for some odd reason. I upgraded my Internet security and now I am not able to do anything that requires the Internet and if I can it is limited. Odd thing is we did the same for the other 2 computers in the house and the other 2 work fantastic. Only difference is that they run Windows7 and I still have vista, all the settings are exactly the same and are all set by default. This is why I have not been able to bring myself to blog having to use one of the other puters in the house. I decided I needed to get back to my writing even if I have to use my mothers laptop.

On the health front things have been going good. Eating has been great and been going to the gym everyday that I can and if not the gym then I find things to do that get me out and about. Did skip yesterday tho because I had a bright Idea I would make a Turkey for the first time and didn't have everything I needed and was so not prepared for it. Came out good and I made a stuffing with sprouted grain bread, Apple and walnuts. It came out so yummy and good for you with real ingredients in it also. Going to the gym still feels like such a burden on what I want to do during the day, but it is not as bad as it was before, and I feel great after going and knowing I am taking care of my body and my health in general.

I have a apt for an intake with the mental health dept on the 14th (of all days, right?) But I am lucky and thankful after all this time I might actually get some real help. I am scared because of all the things that go on in my head that they will lock me away for being insane LOL. I just hope that they can help me and I start to get some relief from this BPD and anxiety I have about so many different things. I have however been trying to forget about the past and focus on the future and it has helped out a lot. I am not as stressed out about the small things an I don't dwell on the past and all the bad crap anymore.

I have always hated V-day and this year is no exception as I have to high of expectations from my SO. He is very good to me, and he tries his best but he is not the romantic type and I feel like I have bought in to the Hype of what it really means. I have ideas in my head about things I want to do but no where to start. It is getting late and I am rambling.. Good night

Not so good at my Commitment to blogging so far...

I had made a commitment to blog more at the beginning of the year. I have not kept it up as much as I would like to. There just doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to do everything I want to do. I complain about being bored a lot but yet I can't find time to do things during the day. Get up and eat breakfast check my FB and do my games which only takes about 15 minutes by that time the hubs is coming home, its time for lunch then to get ready for gym. Gym is an hour and a half give or take, then come home have snack and its time to do chores and start dinner. Clean and do dishes after dinner and I get about 2 hours to sit and relax and it is usually to Play WOW or to scrapbook or coupon. Then at 9pm it is hubs bedtime and I sit with him and I read until I get tired, and I cannot blog from my non smart phone anymore for whatever reason and I don't want to leave him to come and blog. Guess I will just have to cut some time off of other things or something!

We went to visit my aunt this past Thursday and we were there until Sunday afternoon. It was nice to get away and I felt good with little ailments (other than a few tummy issues, nothing like what I have at home). No headaches which was a plus, but the eating was not so great. I know that I don't eat a lot of things that I know are not the best for me and I eat as healthy as I can and most ppl would say that eating off plan or off limit foods is OK once in awhile. For me they are not, the simple fact that they trick my brain into being hungry all the time and I just can't stop eating once I start. When I got home on Sunday I could not stop eating junk food, chips and Guacamole, sees candy and tons of chocolate. There are times that I can enjoy a small treat of real Organic Chocolate, or organic Gelato without feeling deprived or feeling more hungry or out of control. But if I eat the stuff that is Sugar, Fat and salt laden I go buck-wild. I have been reading an awesome book that is helping me understand why and it is a great addition to all the nutritional information I read about all the time to get better informed so that I may get as healthy as I can and stay that way forever.

Bad day

Could not stop eating today, no idea why. I had tons of chocolate and ice Cream and I just have not been feeling good. I have ate very healthy and clean for the last 2 weeks and I have also had serious Heartburn and acid Indigestion to the point I feel nauseous. Today has been no exception, its late and I need to get to bed.

Having a positive outlook makes all the difference...

Ended up skipping the gym today, not really by choice more like there was no time.Between the 4 hours of shopping, putting groceries away with a headache mind you from not eating since 9 am, having to make food to eat and then clean and cook dinner there was just no way to make it before they closed. I did however burn 400+ calories for 3 hrs of actual walking/shopping so it is not like I didn't move my ass today I so did. I think this was the first time in a very long time that I had a good time being out with the SO and grocery shopping. I was not stressed nor did I feel rushed and I got a lot accomplished and enough food to last about 3 months I am hoping. Tomorrow we will be going to the gym for sure and i am happy about that.

I have started this year out with a extremely positive outlook and it is going well for me. It is amazing how your attitude and the way you feel can change how you live your life. I believe that 2012 is going to be a good year, I am feeling better and taking care of myself better. Staying in touch with friends and being more social. Hell I am even blogging more also which makes me smile. Right now SO is in bed and I am sure he is not happy I am pounding away at the keyboard, but for some reason I couldn't post from my mobile (stupid non smart phone) lol.

Just wanted to post an update and get this put down before my thoughts decided to float away. Have a great night all!!!

5.6 pounds gone... Fluke much?

So went to the gym Tues,Wed,Thursday but did nothing today. I finally got my HRM to work right and I burned 536 Calories yesterday and I am hoping that its right. I got on the scale this morning (still WI on Fridays) and it said 177.5! OK so that's 5.6 pounds down from Dec 29 which I was at 184 and I am thinking it has to be a fluke. I have been eating a little better and drinking a ton more water too. I'm happy about it but still seems kinda odd to me that I could put on 21 pounds in 2 months and then just drop 5.6 just from going to the gym and working out? LOL maybe I am on to something or maybe my body is just detoxing and it hasn't leveled itself out. I have been feeling kinda odd lately, a little hot and cold flashes, mild dizziness slight headaches and weakness. I don't think I am getting sick because it doesn't feel like it. More like my body is releasing all the toxins I put in it the last couple of months. Well anyways this is me making an effort to get back into blogging. Hoping that everyone is having a Great Friday and enjoys the weekend!!

Back Yet Again Take 2

Going to try this out again, there just seems to be so much to do lately and not enough time to do it. Maybe I need to cut my FB Games time down a bit and play less World Of Warcraft.

I am back yet again and I felt like doing some blogging this morning. It is damn cold out but its nice and the sun is shinning bright. The last few months of last year were crazy, between Halloween and Christmas all the Candy and Food the hubby working all hours of the morning in Retail and last minute shopping. I am surprised I still have my Sanity lol! Of Course I was so off plan and besides shopping and walking to the store a mile away that was all the moving I did. I started the Gym up this week and I gotta say that it feels amazing and scary at the same time. Got me a Nice Heart rate monitor that I adore for an amazing price (still trying to figure out how to get the calories burned to work right) and some new workout shoes that make my feet feel like they are wrapped in pillows. I am still working on the food part, don't get me wrong I am not going crazy and I am eating healthy but we still have some lingering expensive chocolates hidden around that I dabble in a little too much. What can I say it is my Vice, and I cut out the energy drinks and diet soda so I am on the right track. Still struggling tho with Sodium as usual, and even tho we only occasionally use boxed Potatoes for a side during dinner I think it's the cheese and Lunch meat from our sandwiches. Things are starting to look up and I have noticed that when I keep a positive outlook and try not to stress the small stuff things go well and I can just cruise through life without much effort. This is all new to me, and kinda overwhelming but it does feel good and I feel better!

Just venting

Tom is visiting and I am up 2 pounds, surprised its not more. I have been drinking lots of soda, eating tons of Halloween candy, cookies and cake. I have not tracked anything. There was so much going on at the beginning of the month we decided not to renew our gym membership until next month when things hopefully get back to normal. Still have not heard anything back from the dozen places a Applied for a job. I really don't know how I feel right now as my head is very clouded and I want to stop the crappy eating and get back to normal. It seems like when tom hits this year I have been seriously giving in to the cravings and not even thinking twice about it. I'm tired of fighting because living with 2 people who don't give a damn and bring crap into the house makes it too tough. I have asked nicely over and over for them to not bring it in the house, they don't care. Hell they treat me like Dirt, they are more like 2 invalids who expect me to do everything, without respect mind you then my Parents. I do everything and still they bitch because I make noise when I wash the dishes, or prepare food or really any noise I make in the kitchen. They bitch about the food I cook, and Buy then tell me they are tired of me not cooking food they will eat. It is pathetic and whats more is for the life of me I cannot stand up to them, I let them walk all over me and lie down and take it. In turn it stresses me out more, strains my Relationship with my honey, and even more so because I won't let him say anything or stand up for me... I know I complain about the same things over and over, but nothing changes no matter how much I try. Aside from beating them, which is not an option tho they deserve it, because they are just not nice and miserable humans that try to make me the same way. I will not give up on trying to get the hell out, need money that is not here and is getting harder and harder to do. I want to get out into the world and be a Functional adult, I'm sick of letting my BPD ruin things for me because I will never get better living with those 2...

How much more can I take?

I really need out of my current situation. This toxic Environment I am in is making it so hard to live. I have Applied and Applied and Applied to Job after Job. I got 1 call back for an Interview and the person did not like me because I was nervous and could not answer the questions she asked because of lack of life and job experience. Do you know how much more pathetic that makes me feel? Ughhh I am trying so hard yet life is pushing me harder and harder to the point of Breaking!!

I am not giving up at all, but common enough is enough already! I have asked family for help and of course they don't feel I need it so they wont help me. I have no friends to ask My bestie has her own issues and financial problems and she is there for me enough as a Friend. I just don't know what more I can do to better/change this life I am so stuck in, its getting to the point that I would rather live on the street then have to deal with the constant mind fucking, hurt and bullshit I get put through day in and out. Only problem is that the person who says they love me the most has told me that he will never live on the street and therefore I can do what i need to do but without him.... Still makes me wonder if he truly cares than why would he feel/ say that way? I'm stuck and at my honest breaking point and very very scared!!

Still bumping along this thing called Life...

Again I have been away and came back again LOL. My life is pretty much the same, still dealing with the same drama at home in my toxic Environment. Still broke and still wishing for something more to do with my life than be a house Bitch. But enough about all that. I am down to 169 pounds!~ The lightest I have been since I was a teenager. It feels good and I am beginning to love my body more, even though I have massive loose skin. Been eating great and going to the gym 4 times a week for an hour or more. Been having yard sales almost every weekend and the setting up and packing up burns lots of calories. I sweat allot more now and have also been eating allot of fresh salsa we made from our garden and the Habanero, Cayenne and the Serrano's really fire up the metabolism! I try to keep myself busy, and I do while the SO is at work but when he comes home i just get blah, because we have nothing and don't do anything but sit in front of the computer or sleep other than going to the gym. His $90 a week pays the bills and barely, don't get me wrong Very glad that he even has a job since they are so hard to come by nowadays, and at least the bills are getting paid. I can barely afford to buy food anymore and I am the only one who actually buys Real food, my mom buys nothing but junk and then throws it in my face when she buys a package of chicken, when I mention I cannot afford to feed all 4 of us anymore with no help... It is an endless cycle and every opportunity that we have had to get out was just as bad as staying here, and with having to pay utilities and rent there is no way it is possible especially without a car. It really makes me cry when now you literally have to have a car and tons of money to anything. Aside from going on a walk or bike ride but that gets old and you can only do so much before its time to come home and clean up after the parental units because their hands are broke!!! Then the Viscous Cycle begins all over again anyways so the stress relief you get from exercising is diminished from all the stress. I would like to say that my life sucks, but I know that I have more than allot of people out there and I am thankful for that. But when is it enough to go through so much and never ever get a break. Murderers and child abusers and DICKS and Pricks get everything handed to them and us Good people, the hard workers and the kind Get the Shaft... Do you really think that is the way the world is supposed to work? Well it does because man kind sucks and they are destroying faith and any Hopes for a future. I would never bring a child into this horrible world hell at the rate my life is going a child is never going to happen nor is marriage without Stability and financial stability. Now I am no wheres trying to throw a pity party I am just getting things off my chest that have been bugging me lately.

I applied for every job opening withing a 100 mile radius and nothing not an e-mail or phone call. Some places I have applied to every 6 months and still nothing. So I am not sitting on my ass waiting for a handout, because even thought I have BPD I doubt I will be approved on my final SS Appeal. Sad that I know so many people that use tax dollars to buy Drugs!!! Me I would use the money to get out of this toxic Environment once and for all, and buy all the fresh clean foods I would love to eat but cannot afford. I would never buy alcohol or junk food as I don't now at all with my EBT. So I will continue on with my gym 4 times a week and eat right and hope to be healthy. And hope that I can get something going in my life before its too late and I end up just like my parents (which I know they secretly hope for).