Monday, May 25, 2009
Havn't been doing so well... dad is detoxing and I am Scared shitless!
I havent been doing so great in the eating or excersise dep. I have been trying tho and as much as Ive cut down on portions i got tired of always saying no to eating things. On saturday I had 1 pork tamale my mom bought and they were homemade but i still dont know the nutrition info on it, I also had one small slice of peperoni pizza and a very tiny slice of birthday cake at my cousins house. I felt like I didnt deprive myself and I controled the portion size. I also made a large pasta salad with regular noddles (not whole wheat) and because no one else really likes pasta salad I have been eating alot of it. I put green peas, sliced olives, canned artichoke hearts (non marinated) red onions and grape tomatoes in it. I had it with some homemaid Vinager and oil dressing, i use canola oil and apple cider vinager. So my sodium and fat have been high and today the scale said 200 pounds again... boo I am not happy I am no where near where i should be with my weight loss. I should have lost 3.5 pounds and I havnt lost anything. Things have been really stressful lately with the move and now we have taken my dad to the Chemical Dependancy Recovery Program and it is outpatien. He is doing detox right now and he is not a happy camper. He shakes so bad that he cannot eat or drink anything, and it is terribly hard for me and my mom to watch him and see him this way. I cannot imagine what he is going through. When i quit doing meth 4 years ago i did it cold turkey and I honestly cant remember what it was like I think I slept for along time. It wasnt easy and I know this wont be easy either, Im scared and worried and all these feelings and emotions are creeping up and Im scared i will want to binge. I always delt with problems/stress and things that bothered me by jumping into the glass pipe or eating until i felt like Id explode. I honestly am frightened of how I will deal with this right now. So much has happened since december of last year and frankly I still shake my head and pat myself on the back that I didnt turn to meth to calm me. So in Dec I had to put my dog down, then in janurary my Dads brother (my uncle) died, feburary my aunt who was like a second mom to me died, other family has been in and out of the hospitol for a few months, we lost our house do to forecloser, and now my dad is sick and trying to quit his drinking. It is alot for one person to handle, especailly me because of my illness and because of being so sheltered and not having much "adult real life experiances". Not to say that other people dont have there own problems and issues just that it is hard for me. Right now I want cake, ice cream, cookies, dip, chips, chocolate and starbucks Venti Mocha Frapachino. But instead I had some fruit and were going to take the dog for a walk now.