Maybe it is why I dont push myself!

I think i finally realised or came to grips with why i think I sabatoge my weight loss efforts or why things dont always work out the way i want. I am scared shitless that if i do get all this nasty weight off me and get to a healthy bmi/body fat % whathave you, i wont be able to keep it off! I know it may sound like a copout to some but it really is a reality. I have never been a dieter, I tried taking matabolife for awhile but doing that and being a meth head didnt really blanace out. I think the only thing I ever tried to lose the weight was doing meth to get skinny. i was small a size 13 and 125 pounds, but even being addicted for 6 years i still gained weight, just most of it was after i quit cold turkey. Still I am scared that i wont be able to keep off the 100 pounds ive lost already let alone another 50 more. There are so many what ifs and thoughts about what will happen when I get down to my ideal weight. How will it affect me, and others in my life, will I be happy or miserable, having to buy new clothes and actually having to take better care of every aspect of myself not just eating and moving my ass. It is so much to think about and it is scary and it is part of why I dont push myself, why I make bad choices and why I binge...

Today was good, a little crazy but I pushed past.

Today was a crazy day, I had a apt today for that Yearly woman thing (pap) and I had called to rescedule it because as you know my dad is going thru rehab and doing detox. His apt was at 11:30 at the rehab place, and another with his dr at 3:00 well my apt was at 1 and 20 miles away near where I used to live. Needles to say I made it to my apt because i was not waiting 4 months for a rescecdule, but having to drive all over town (not me but my so) must have been way more hard on him then it was on me. Still a very stressful day, i did good eating wise, i took sensable snacks with me because I knew my eating scedule was going to be thrown off today. My apt went good and now i dont have to go back for 3 years! Although I really love the nurse practitioner who I saw, she is a very knowledgable woman and very kind, she told me that despite what society is all about that we should love our bodies because they are the only ones we have, and to listen to it and treat it good, she also said to protect your heart. It really was touching for me, to have someone who was wise and still kinda young but knew what she was talking about. I wish that all dr's, nurse practioners where like her, too bad she only specializes in family planning. I am still so sore from the 30 day shred and TOM decited to show up this afternoon and I feel really bloted, but ima press on and workout tonight.

todays eats
breakfast was high fiber maple & brown sugar oatmeal (with water) and 13 blueberries, a few small bites of scrambled egg, and 2oz vitasoy chocolate light

snack was a 90 calorie chocolate drizzle cereal bar, Oat and strawberries with almonds fiber one bar

lunch was a sandwich, with 2 slices of double fiber bread, 3 slices of turkey lunch meat, 3 pieces of salami, three cheese peperonchini spread on one slice, 1 inner leaf iceberg lettace, 3 slices of cucumber and 4 slices of zuccuni, 5 sour cream and onion soy crisps, 8oz cranergy cranbery lift

dinner was a Applebee's WW Garlic herb chicken dinner (8points)

Snack : 1 serving of fruity's: 1 6in banana, 2 cups watermellon, 1 apricot, 1 nectarine, 6 strawberries (recipe makes 6 servings) 4oz Chocolate amd 4oz NSA Strawberry banana frozen yogurt

4 liters of water

Question about the 30 day shred?

I was just wondering with the julian micheals 30 day shred are you supposed to do the 20 minute workouts everyday? I ask because I have read and heard that you are not supposed to work the same group of muscles on consecutive days, so I am just curious.

30 day shred just whopped on me!!!

I just finished the 30 day shred level 1 and omg did she kick my butt. It was fun but the whole time I was cussing her out because the jumping jacks and butt kicks were really hard for me and also the no rest in between or otherwise. I did almost all of the circuts but with the jump rope and but kicks i modified a little bit but I was still doing it and working my buns off. I feel great and I feel like it is something I can do everyday and not get to bored. Besides I know I will see results

I think Im Depressed

Once again i ate shitty for lunch, was pissed and bored so i took a 3 hour nap. I think im falling back into a deppresion. I just have no energy like I used to, i dont want to do anything but eat and sleep. Im so bored, more so here at the new house then I was at the old. I need to really get my but into gear and work out and get out and get excersise, but here I sit on my ass mad, bored and ready to go back to sleep!

Havn't been doing so well... dad is detoxing and I am Scared shitless!

I havent been doing so great in the eating or excersise dep. I have been trying tho and as much as Ive cut down on portions i got tired of always saying no to eating things. On saturday I had 1 pork tamale my mom bought and they were homemade but i still dont know the nutrition info on it, I also had one small slice of peperoni pizza and a very tiny slice of birthday cake at my cousins house. I felt like I didnt deprive myself and I controled the portion size. I also made a large pasta salad with regular noddles (not whole wheat) and because no one else really likes pasta salad I have been eating alot of it. I put green peas, sliced olives, canned artichoke hearts (non marinated) red onions and grape tomatoes in it. I had it with some homemaid Vinager and oil dressing, i use canola oil and apple cider vinager. So my sodium and fat have been high and today the scale said 200 pounds again... boo I am not happy I am no where near where i should be with my weight loss. I should have lost 3.5 pounds and I havnt lost anything. Things have been really stressful lately with the move and now we have taken my dad to the Chemical Dependancy Recovery Program and it is outpatien. He is doing detox right now and he is not a happy camper. He shakes so bad that he cannot eat or drink anything, and it is terribly hard for me and my mom to watch him and see him this way. I cannot imagine what he is going through. When i quit doing meth 4 years ago i did it cold turkey and I honestly cant remember what it was like I think I slept for along time. It wasnt easy and I know this wont be easy either, Im scared and worried and all these feelings and emotions are creeping up and Im scared i will want to binge. I always delt with problems/stress and things that bothered me by jumping into the glass pipe or eating until i felt like Id explode. I honestly am frightened of how I will deal with this right now. So much has happened since december of last year and frankly I still shake my head and pat myself on the back that I didnt turn to meth to calm me. So in Dec I had to put my dog down, then in janurary my Dads brother (my uncle) died, feburary my aunt who was like a second mom to me died, other family has been in and out of the hospitol for a few months, we lost our house do to forecloser, and now my dad is sick and trying to quit his drinking. It is alot for one person to handle, especailly me because of my illness and because of being so sheltered and not having much "adult real life experiances". Not to say that other people dont have there own problems and issues just that it is hard for me. Right now I want cake, ice cream, cookies, dip, chips, chocolate and starbucks Venti Mocha Frapachino. But instead I had some fruit and were going to take the dog for a walk now.

So far so good

I had a good saturday so far great eating and 3 hours of shoping and 2 minutes on the eliptical. I was able to do 6 minutes last night, i used my rescue inhaler 15 minutes before hand and I went slow and paced myself rather then going gun ho! I think wants I get going on it I tend to go to fast and that is where I get tired and have to stop. I had a tamale for dinner and then its off to my cousins b-day party, where there will be pizza and cake and ice cream. I may have a bite or two of pizza and a small peice of cake, no ice cream for me I have fat free frozen yogurt here for me if I want a treat.

I am Back up and running again!!

Whew, I am finally back online! It was a hard time not havingthe net to log my foods and the support of allm y readers. I was really deppressed because I put back on 9 pounds from making unhealthy choices due to moving, stress and unplaning. But I am now back to my 199 pound weight and that makes me happy! I have so missed reading everyones blogs, and it will take some time to catch up on them all, but I will. I love my new house, its so close to everything, which is a good thing but also a bad thing, with a wal mart and old navy within walking distance it could spell trouble for me lol. But hey its all good, at least I will hopefully be getting lots more excersise. The neighborhood is great, very quiet and it seems most people keep to themselves.

Im struggling with the eliptical, :( I can only do 2-3 minutes and it kills me to do even that. I was bumbed out so bad, thinking I might have to take it back. But I did get a little advice and since Im not used to using eqiupment it may be a bit normal for it to be hard untill I get used to it and can work my way up. It is a Golds Gym StrideTrainer 300 and as far as I can tell it is a great peice of equipment.

MIA no internet until the 21st

Im still alive and all that good stuff, we moved and the stupid at&t screwed us on our internet, they said it was available in our area but then after 3 days of waiting for them to set it up the superviser tells us that high speen dsl internet and the best they can offer is dial up, i was like no thank you, so now we are waiting for Surewest to set us up on the 21st. See you guys then!!

I am so stressed out right now!!

This really has nothing to do with weight loss but i need to vent and rant, and I figured this would be the place. We are moving on saturday morning, nothing is packed this shitty ass 2 bedroom 900 sq foot house isnt packed. My dad is too sick from drinking so much that he cant do anything, he tried to help but kept falling and cutting himself and he bleeds so bad and doesnt heal. My mom works all day and comes home and sits on her ass. She knows we have to move saturday, and I am trying to figure out how we are going to pack and move in one day? Im So stressed out it isnt funny, and my SO just sits on his lazy ass and plays On the computer and doesnt do much else but leave shit laying around and is too lazy for my liking right now. So here I am (not literally, they are wraped in newspaper and packing paper)throwing dishes into boxes and saying FUCK IT because at this point I really dont care, I have done everything, I even had to get the U-haul, change the address and I have to take care of everything with the rental company and they suck balls, they replaced some concrete out in the driveway and broke the water main, we got our keys and stuff on the first and went to check to make sure everything was working and the water was running fine, thus we didnt find out until monday the 4th and havnt had water in the new house since, they just dug a whole in the concrete and left it there open, suposidly the "maintanence" is fixing it today and we will have water by the morning, it took them a week to fix that and its BS. Im so stressed out about everything right now that I have a headache and I am sick to my Tummy. I am going to have to go finish packing the kitchen while making dinner, not looking forward to my mom coming home and bitching like she does all the time. Don't get me wrong at all, I love my mother and father, they raised me (not very good) but all the same, feed me clothed me and did the best they could for me, I dont mind helping them out but this is just too much for one person to handle. Granted I have been clean for 4 years but man I'll tell you that PIPE is looking mighty good right now, good thing I have no money and I don't know anyone anymore. Its hot here ontop of everything else and it is contributing to my stress and bitchiness. Im so confused also because I have never packed/moved without being HIGH and I dont remember how to pack and Im frustrated having to figure out what to put into what size box and such so that doesnt help either. I was smart and packed my room 4 months ago when I knew we would be foreclosed on and most of my stuff is in storage. I just have to throw the bathroom stuff and my clothes in a box/bag and I am set!

My b-day Plans

Woot I was right I got my Elliptical today, the one I wanted too. I have to be getting ready here shortly for dinner at my favorite resturant Texas Roadhouse and then dancing at the club after. I already know what I am eating for dinner 6oz sirlion, house salad, steamed veggies and 2 pieces of there legendary bread it is so yummy, and we are sharing an apatizer between 4 people I think Im getting the cheese fries because they are my favorite and I havnt had them in a long time. Im also going to treat myself to 2 drinks tonight at the bar because I deserve it and I will be dancing it up and burning off all those empty calories anyways!!! Woot party party Happy Cinco De mayo everyone!!!

ima be 28 tommorow and at 199 pounds!!!

Well both Steriods and Tom are gone finally and thank god for that, but the best part is I am feeling much better. My asthma seems to be better under control and I am happy about that. On a side note I weighed in today at 199 pounds this morning, and since I missed fridays weigh in because of the prednisone, i am tickled pink. Tommorow I will be 28, man am I getting old at least this year I am alot happier and healthier then I was last year and that means alot to me. It blew me away when I was shopping for something special to wear, or just to treat myself for an early b-day present, here I am looking through the size 18's Try them on and they fall off my ass, wow so off to a 16, still big enough to fall off, alas a 14 tiny bit snug but WOW seroiusly at 199 pounds I can wear a size 14, i havnt worn a 14 since I dont know when. So not only did I have a SV but a NSV as well. It is still very hard to believe that I have lost so much weight and let alone see it when I look in the mirror. I have been obese all my life except when I was younger I was always very skinny until I turned 8 and Puberty hit me. I have so many things to be thankful for, being alive to turn 28, being so much more healthy and being happy.

I have been away for awhile, because of the medicine I was taking and trying to get things packed and sqaured away for the move this weekend. But I have been staying on track with my eating and been doing well. Havnt been working out tho so now that my asthma seems to be more under control I can start again. I picked up the 30 day shred and it was at 9.99 and so I snatched it up and I am going to try it soon. I need to let things settle before I get back into my working out full force. And I have the sneaking suspicion(sp?) that my wonderful boyfriend and mother are getting me an elipctical for my b-day. I saw a awesome Gold's gym on with adjustable stride and alot of extras for 297 bucks at wal mart.