I am still here, struggling but I have hope!

I am still here, strugling a bit but doing much better. The weather has been nice and I have been taking advantage of it as much as I can. Walking and bike riding. Eating has been ok but I think it could be better. I have been doing alot of thinking and I think it contributes to my mood and how I feel mentally. There are alot of things that have come up lately that I have to sort through and get passed so that I can stay on track. It isn't easy because I am an emotional person and eater and its not good for me. I need to deal with my feelings other ways then shoving food into my mouth just to feel really guilty about it later, not to mention what it does to my mood, the numbers on the scale and my body. I need to stay focused and it gets harder and harder as it gets colder and towards the holidays. Other than Halloween and New years I am not fond of the holidays, they always make me depressed and think about the family members and friends who have passed on and they way my family treats me. I have always felt left out and have even ran away to come back and not one person knew I was gone and on several occasions too. I guess that I have always been a "dweller" and that is not healthy it has gotten a little better over the years, but during the holidays it can come on fearce. I am going to just take it one day at a time and hope for the best. I am loving the weather and want to hold onto it for as long as I can...

I'm hatting life right now...

This shitty weather is bringing me down. I haven't done anything since Monday, we walked in the gloomy cold 4 miles. It was refreshing, but i am not getting out there in the wind and rain, just to end up sick later on. So why is it that I love to get my ass up and do things to be active when the weather is nice and even when its fair, but god forbid I do anything when fall/winter comes. I have been doing a great job eating and staying green but yet I have gained 4 pounds since last Friday How is that even possible when I have not gone over my calories or even came close to it? I guess if you sit around and stress about not doing anything you can pack on the pounds. I don't get it I have so much crap around here to workout with, Elliptical, stationary bike, a Ab works thingy by Nordic track, yoga mat, stability ball, weights but I don't do shit. How is it that I have the Determination and the drive to get out and bike ride or to walk my but off and just be active when its nice, but if it isn't then I am lazy? I keep telling myself that If I can just get myself to do some strengthening and core exercises that my metabolism will kick up and I will burn more, but do I listen and do anything about it no... So what makes now so different then 2-3 months ago? I always get so down and lazy in the colder months and it sucks, I don't want that to happen now because I can easily see myself putting back on that 120 pounds I have lost*sigh* Ugh and I have no support at home, I can't do anything and I want to join a Gym more than anything but can't afford it and it hurts, I would so go everyday (not like I have anything better to do) but also the fact that my parents wouldn't let me use their car to go gets in the way (also why I can't get out and do other things like walk the mall or do constructive things. I would also love to talk with a trainer to learn how I can get rid of this nasty hanging flab/skin on my back, it is smaller but its gotten worse and hangs more and there are more rolls then when I was 300 pounds and I just don't get it, Everyone said that once I lost weight it would get better, but its only gotten worse. I feel like crap and I am lazy and it is cold and boring and gloomy and lonely... I am so hatting life right now!!

Whew I made it through, had bad news but didnt blow it :) go me...

So I received some mail yesterday, it was from the judge who had my SSD case and of Course i was denied. Now there is no doubt that I have bi-polar disorder, Bi-lateral Carpel tunnel and suffer from Marked Severe obesity( or did anyways, now i am just obese). But I am just not disabled enough I guess. That's OK tho, I did find out some other shocking news, 4 Different Psychiatrists have Diagnosed me with Untreated Bi-Polar disorder and Severe Personality Disorder. WOW that's something I have never heard before, I did research on it and there are so many different types and I have about 3-4 of them. At least it explains allot of why I think the way I do, why I perceive things, thoughts and emotions different. Tho it is scary for me, it is what it is and I must move on. On the WL front I am doing very well. I have been eating great and even been enjoying some things I haven't had in awhile in moderation, staying green and keeping the Weight off. Today was a 9 mile Bike ride and it was fun, tho the hills were killing me and it was a bit cold but I pressed on and made it. Got a few goodies at the farmers market had a goods lunch and I am feeling pretty good. I even went into a Teen store and tried on some jeans, they were a 15 and tho they were so tight in the legs (they were skinny leg) they were HUGE in the waist, weird tho I guess that jean sizes are running big now a days because I have old pairs from when I was a teen that are 13, 14 and they are to small ah well times have changed.

180 pounds and random ramblings :) Halloween... YAYY

Wow I cannot believe it is October already, I mean where the hell did this year go? It has been really cold lately and tho I have tried the cold doesn't agree with my asthma. Trying to ride a bike now is like hell, my chest starts to hurt my throat gets all tight and dry and I slobber all over myself and can't swallow. It sucks because I was just beginning to really enjoy biking. Tonight I will start on the elliptical again, I also still have my ancient stationary, and this ab thing my honey paid 15 bucks for at a yard sale to use. So I hope that even tho I cannot be outdoors that I can still muster up the motivation to work out inside. Other than the cold things are going great, Friday I weighed in at 180 pounds and that was great and much needed. I think I hovered around 184 for almost a month, glad to be away from there and going in the right direction. I cannot wait for Halloween it is my Favorite holiday and I am trying to recreate a costume I bought last year that I spent like 60 bucks on, it is WAY ginormous on me so we are going to cut it and take it in, its like a robe type so it wont be so bad and I am going to make it shorter. I will keep you posted and hopefully I will have pictures to show of my work LOL... Have a great night all.