Wedding Pictures :)

Buying Real Food On A CALFRESH Budget

I read a lot of blogs about being able to eat real foods on a budget. I also hear so many people say that they cannot afford to eat healthy foods because it is so much more expensive. Well I am here to say that it is totally possible, granted its just 2 of us. Our Budget is $320 a month in case you were wondering.  I was able to get local, grass fed pasture raised meat, including cuts like Chateaubriand and Rib Eye. 4 Pounds of the chateau, 1.59 pounds of the Rib Eye, 1 pound of Sirloin  1 pound of Carne Asada, 4 Pounds of Ground Round (96%), 2 pounds  Beef Marrow Bones, 1 lb Beef Livers, 4 pounds of Chicken Breast, 1 whole Chicken, 1.50 pounds of Bacon and 30 Eggs. All for $141 and this will last us a month or more. We also were able to get a half gallon of raw milk, 2 pounds of raw milk cheese, 4 pounds Cream top Yogurt, Sour Cream and 5 pounds of Cultured Grass fed Pasture raised butter for $48. Our Fats/Pantry items included Organic Extra virgin cold pressed Coconut oil 2 pounds, 2 pounds of  organic freshly ground peanut butter, 1 lb of local raw honey, 3 pounds of Organic brown rice, 1 lb of Corn Masa, 3 pounds organic Black Beans as well as 2 loaves of Sprouted Grain bread for $42. We got 2 huge Avocado's, 4 onions and a bunch of beats for $5. And frozen organic Fruits and Veggies for $25 and we still have money left over for fresh local organic produce throughout the weeks.
   Let me just say that since eating these whole foods me and hubby feel so much better, no more fatigue when we get up, or during the day. Less Digestive upsets as well as no more headaches and muscle aches. My skin is so clear and my pores are smaller, no more breakouts!! He has lost 8 pounds and I've lost 10!!! It is amazing what eating real food does to a person physically and mentally.

I'm Baaaccckkkk yet again....

Wow it has been forever since I sat down to blog. A lot has happened, some good, some bad and some meh. Still struggling with my weight and mental illness, sometimes I really feel they go hand in hand. I got married On October 10th of 2012 in Vegas to the person I have been with since 2005. It wasn't the ideal wedding, but it was the best I could do with what I was given. It was very stressful and due to family that is so controlling up until the day we left Vegas I couldn't relax and was stressed to the max. I don't even think I remember most of it. There was no honeymoon or anything like that, we poor and I guess I am lucky that I even got what I did. (btw, there was no formal engagement  it was kinda like me saying hey, lets get married in Vegas while were there.) We visited my in laws for 3 days which was kinda the whole reason to the Vegas trip anyways. They were really cool people and I enjoyed my stay (first time meeting them was at the wedding). We even adopted a 10 month old puppy from my MIL's Dog Rescue and things were good.
The puppy wasn't doing to well and would limp allot and had a bladder infection. After taking her into the vet we got devastating news that she had something my vet had never seen before. Needless to say it was all just more stress and worry and uncertainty all piled up on me.  We found out our puppy has Valley Fever (its a fungal infection that she will have for life.) will have to be on meds forever and could have a ton of complications  including a seizure.  Once again no support at home, and comments about getting a Lemon Dog, forced us to make a rash decision to move to Arizona to get our puppy the best medical care and for me to have more support. Hubby had a job set up and we were to stay with my in laws until we got on out feet.  WORST MISTAKE EVER!!!! Had I known I was going to be in a situation that I had to eat and live by other peoples rules as if I was a 5 year old, I would have certainally passed.  I thought I'd finally had a chance to get out of the toxic environment I was in, and I thought it would change my life. I was so wrong and it pains me that I was far better off staying at home with my parents then leaving. I lost all the money I had saved up, my self respect, my freedom and myself in the process. The grass is not always greener on the other side!  I've since picked myself up and decided that whatever is thrown at me, I'm going to stand up and push past it, no matter how many times life pushes me down. Hell I have been through enough and if I got through all that then I can get through anything. Had I known I was going to be in a situation that I had to eat and live by other peoples rules as if I was a 5 year old, I would have certainally passed. In the process of all this and shitty eating while living with In laws and the stress of being away from home for the first time, with people I didn't get along with, and my so called Husband not supporting or standing be me, I gained 40 pounds :( We moved back to Sacramento in February and it took a huge toll on me, I am still not happy about any of it but I make the best of it.
     Still not working, and my mental health pushed pasted its limits I'm still bored all the time. Not to mention that hubby is at home 24/7 and is having trouble looking for a job. My life really stinks right now and I'm still semi broken. I make the best of it all and I wake up every day and hope for something new and exciting. I guess I really shouldn't have any expectations because I am always let down. No Money, no car, no friends and barely hanging on to my marriage is taking a bigger toll on me in the long run.  So to keep myself busy I have been doing a lot of online surfing. Iv'e seen the movie Food Inc, that was what prompted the change in me so many years ago. There is a lot of information out there, and while I have not really ever jumped on the diet craze train I have tried different things. It seems that I came across some potent information that led me to read and research as much as I can. After watching the movie/documentary "Hungry For Change" I started to question and wonder if the way I have been eating and trying to balance it all out has been all wrong. I stumbled across the  Weston A Price Foundation Website. Wow there is so much logic and proof into his work it really makes you step back and think.  Everything that we have been led to believe about Healthy Eating has been wrong?
      If you have been following me for a while then you know that I have been trying to lose this weight once and for all. Sure I lost 150 pounds, put about 20-40 back on but maintained that for a few years now. I started out by cutting out fast food, and limiting my soda consumption.  Then I started to eat low fat and fat free dairy products in moderation as well as only using Canola and Olive oil to cook with. I tried to cut out as much processed food as I could, considering my living situation and the support I get at home in this environment. Sure it was really hard and I had to mostly give in because there simply was no support or respect for what I wanted. Lately I have been putting my foot down and doing what I want to do and trying to keep myself healthy. It has not been easy, and it's been expensive and a learning experience and I still have so much more to learn.
   It has been 2 weeks, and I feel Amazing!!Iv'e lost 2 pounds and hubby lost 7... Who would have thought that eating Butter, Ghee, Lard, Tallow,Coconut Oil, Pasture raised grass fed red meats, lots and lots of  pasture raised organic eggs, Pasture raised, grass fed WHOLE Dairy products Including Raw Milk and Raw Cheese, Soaked Grains, Homemade tortillas and lots of other homemade from scratch stuff Whole Foods was the answer?
It is a Traditional Diet that so many cultures from our past lived by and were SO much more Healthy then we are in this day and age.  Now this has not been easy at all even though we were not eating processed foods to begin with. Hard to change 30+ years of what you thought was the "healthy" way to eat.
      Today was the first day of our Grocery shopping for the month of our new way of eating. I have read so much about not being able to eat healthy on a very tight budget and that having a weekly budget of $125 for a family of 4 is hard.  Well so far I have been able to get my staples, the most important parts of my diet and a few extras that should last at least 2-4 weeks with also incorporating what I already have for $169!! It is totally doable, and there may be a few things I don't buy in the future that could bring that total down way more.
  I know this blog is full of so much jumbled crap, I just had to write this all out and share. I'm rusty so bear with me please. I hope to start blogging again. I have 2 to keep up with and I may just incorporate them together. One is on weight loss and the other was how to save money shopping and using coupons.  

Today was WI day :)

Weigh in today and I am back down to 172! I felt really good this morning and had my cereal and coffee. Had errands to run and took care of business, walked to pick up my RX and visited the Cost Plus World Market. I burned 999 Calories from walking to and from and shopping for 3 hours :) I still have no Idea how I am going to be able to keep eating enough to sustain how much I workout. But hey it is worth it as my confidence is up, I am feeling more healthy and happy with things and they seem to go much better lately. Been slowly planning a huge shopping trip as we have not gone monthly shopping since Nov of 2011. It will take a few trips to several stores to stock up on things and get some healthy and local foods. I am looking forward to the Farmer's Market when it comes soon this will make me a happy camper. Good night all and hope you have a Great Weekend!!!

Love those Light bulb moments...

Wow I really need to stop sometimes and realize that the small things I have no control over don't really matter. Do this and it may make my life more fulfilling and help me feel better about myself.

I am sitting here on this cold morning with my clean breakfast and a cup of coffee :). Remembering why I feel in love with real whole food (because it loves me back). With the eating more calories I have felt better, mentally and Psychically and with the continued working out at the gym I can see my body changing as well. Since I got the weight off and been on birth control my periods are like clock work and I can now attribute the 2 weeks before I start when I am moody and depressed and eat everything in site to hormones. I guess that everyone is different because I always thought it was the week before you started that you get the weird PMS crap.

So I am feeling a ton better about life and my place in it. I am so glad that I now have the help I need for my mental health and the support of my love Anthony. I have the tools to help me with my weight loss and to live and be healthy and active. Starting my business also helped me feel like I was contributing to society for once in my life. After having my Interview at Macy's I never thought i would ever put myself out there. I have learned that life isn't worth living if you let fear take the wheel and steer. Now if I could just really let go of all of the past, and stop thinking that everyone sees me the way I feel about myself then maybe it would make things easier. I am working on these things yet finding it hard with social media and blogging. It is that whole approval thing and feeling like the things I have to say are important and no one ever seems to pay much attention. Then the other part of me, goes back to read and most of my posts are all the same thing over and over again. My life can be really boring but I don't know what it would be like without things like Facebook to stay connected with those that do care and my blog. I noticed I lost 3 or 4 followers and I'm not going to lie it bothered me but I realized that it doesn't matter and that maybe its because I feel I suck with words and so I hardly comment on other's blogs or participate in things on here. There goes my brain working overtime, over thinking and over analyzing everything LOL.

Trying not to be Discouraged :(

I started eating more yesterday so we shall see what the results are coming up on Friday. I have not felt well today since going to the gym shortly after eating a big, filling lunch. I know better now that I really have to let my food settle at least an hour and 10 minutes if not a little more. I am exhausted right now but have been going and going all day. Just clipped my coupons from the last 2 inserts and the ones that came in the mail today. I'm not doing as well as I had expected on the business front but I am optimistic and it is really the first week so we shall see. I'm scared that I will put more money into it then I get out. With having to buy supplies, samples and brochures if I don't have any customers (I have 2 family members who made an order to help me with my first campaign) and it is a start but by now I should have at least gotten some response. I'm really starting to wonder how one has so many friends on Facebook and so many Followers on Blogger but only seem to have 1 or 2 comments when trying to network. I mean as for facebook most of my friends are people I know and have personally met and its like I was not even acknowledged and it kinda hurts more then anything but sucks the same... I hate having doubts and worrying so much about things I have no control over but that is the story of my life and when things start going good for me some way or another it gets shot down. I continue to be positive tho and take it one day at a time, but still the BPD me is always over analyzing and having anxiety over it all... Have another full day ahead of me so I think its time to call it a night!!

Started a Buisness On Saturday

Totally off topic but I figured that networking and getting the word out there would help...

I started selling Avon again, so I thought I would let my everyone know that way if they wanted to help support my new business that would be cool. If you need anything or know anyone that needs an Avon Rep send them my way!!

www.youravon.com/rebeccafreeman

If you are not Local (Sacramento) They have Shipping and its is free for orders that are $30 or more and all you have to do is go to my website and order your Avon!

Thanks I could really use the support, so if you don't use Avon or already have a Rep, and may know someone who needs one the referral would be greatly appreciated!!!

How is it they say you need to eat more to lose weight?

So I am still having a hard time grasping the eating more to lose weight concept. My RMR is 1452 and the site I use to log my foods and exercise give me a deficit of 969 Calories and I have gained weight. Now I would think that as long as I am eating 1500 calories a day that I would be losing the weight, but I keep getting told that I am not eating enough, as I am given about 2300 calories to eat when I work out. I'm at 175.5 so I am still doing ok but 2 weeks ago I was at 173 and maybe I put on a lot of wright on my off week when I was sick and eating so much and have lost some of that weight. I have been at this thing for 4 years now, one would think that I would get it by now but I still don't. Sure I lost a ton of weight and learned how to eat good and somewhat balance my lifestyle using Nutrimiror but my #'s on the site have always been all over the place and never accurate. Ah well just thought I would throw this out there, not really much going on in my little world right now. Walked today since the Gym was closed so I burned some calories and did my thing to keep active!

Had a down week :(

I was not feeling well last week, despite my efforts to keep the parents germs from spreading to me and the SO. I was also going through a bout of depression, but I was more sad and eating way to much food then feeling worthless or sleeping too much. Very weird for me as I usually want to sleep all day and just not want to do much else. I finally got in to see someone at Mental health and I have apt with a Psychiatrist as well as my Councilor next month. Went to the gym today and it felt good as I pushed myself a lil harder then I normally do as I was feeling guilty for skipping out on it for 7 days. My body is feeling it tho its a good thing and I felt amazing afterwards. Got my new glasses today and my eyes are having a hard time getting used to them and I can feel the strain. I hate the strain/tension headaches I get behind my eyes they suck and can sometimes feel as bad as a migraine. Well its off to do a few more things before getting into a magazine and going to bed.

unproductive weekend

This weekend was not very productive at all. I am feeling very under the weather and it is bringing the bitch out in me. I am seriously mad about everything and at everyone lol. On the brighter side went to the gym everyday this week except Friday because it is closed. Instead we walked up to the Walmart and got our eyes checked and new Glasses! Shopped a bit and then walked home and in 3.5 hrs I Burned 1065 calories!!! But that does not make it right that I did squat this weekend except run errands on Saturday and we had movie night with snacks. But didn't do a damn thing today but eat and plop my ass in front of my PC and Play WOW... Very productive if you ask me LOL!! See my sarcasm there... yeah I know I suck at it. OK well Just wanted to put a Lil update out there. Not feeling well and so ready to go to bed, and the drugs are kicking in!

Things going on in life right now

Why do I find myself coming back after not blogging for days or weeks and feeling so bad about it? I have tried to write from my phone but it just wont let me for some odd reason. I upgraded my Internet security and now I am not able to do anything that requires the Internet and if I can it is limited. Odd thing is we did the same for the other 2 computers in the house and the other 2 work fantastic. Only difference is that they run Windows7 and I still have vista, all the settings are exactly the same and are all set by default. This is why I have not been able to bring myself to blog having to use one of the other puters in the house. I decided I needed to get back to my writing even if I have to use my mothers laptop.

On the health front things have been going good. Eating has been great and been going to the gym everyday that I can and if not the gym then I find things to do that get me out and about. Did skip yesterday tho because I had a bright Idea I would make a Turkey for the first time and didn't have everything I needed and was so not prepared for it. Came out good and I made a stuffing with sprouted grain bread, Apple and walnuts. It came out so yummy and good for you with real ingredients in it also. Going to the gym still feels like such a burden on what I want to do during the day, but it is not as bad as it was before, and I feel great after going and knowing I am taking care of my body and my health in general.

I have a apt for an intake with the mental health dept on the 14th (of all days, right?) But I am lucky and thankful after all this time I might actually get some real help. I am scared because of all the things that go on in my head that they will lock me away for being insane LOL. I just hope that they can help me and I start to get some relief from this BPD and anxiety I have about so many different things. I have however been trying to forget about the past and focus on the future and it has helped out a lot. I am not as stressed out about the small things an I don't dwell on the past and all the bad crap anymore.

I have always hated V-day and this year is no exception as I have to high of expectations from my SO. He is very good to me, and he tries his best but he is not the romantic type and I feel like I have bought in to the Hype of what it really means. I have ideas in my head about things I want to do but no where to start. It is getting late and I am rambling.. Good night

Not so good at my Commitment to blogging so far...

I had made a commitment to blog more at the beginning of the year. I have not kept it up as much as I would like to. There just doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to do everything I want to do. I complain about being bored a lot but yet I can't find time to do things during the day. Get up and eat breakfast check my FB and do my games which only takes about 15 minutes by that time the hubs is coming home, its time for lunch then to get ready for gym. Gym is an hour and a half give or take, then come home have snack and its time to do chores and start dinner. Clean and do dishes after dinner and I get about 2 hours to sit and relax and it is usually to Play WOW or to scrapbook or coupon. Then at 9pm it is hubs bedtime and I sit with him and I read until I get tired, and I cannot blog from my non smart phone anymore for whatever reason and I don't want to leave him to come and blog. Guess I will just have to cut some time off of other things or something!

We went to visit my aunt this past Thursday and we were there until Sunday afternoon. It was nice to get away and I felt good with little ailments (other than a few tummy issues, nothing like what I have at home). No headaches which was a plus, but the eating was not so great. I know that I don't eat a lot of things that I know are not the best for me and I eat as healthy as I can and most ppl would say that eating off plan or off limit foods is OK once in awhile. For me they are not, the simple fact that they trick my brain into being hungry all the time and I just can't stop eating once I start. When I got home on Sunday I could not stop eating junk food, chips and Guacamole, sees candy and tons of chocolate. There are times that I can enjoy a small treat of real Organic Chocolate, or organic Gelato without feeling deprived or feeling more hungry or out of control. But if I eat the stuff that is Sugar, Fat and salt laden I go buck-wild. I have been reading an awesome book that is helping me understand why and it is a great addition to all the nutritional information I read about all the time to get better informed so that I may get as healthy as I can and stay that way forever.

Bad day

Could not stop eating today, no idea why. I had tons of chocolate and ice Cream and I just have not been feeling good. I have ate very healthy and clean for the last 2 weeks and I have also had serious Heartburn and acid Indigestion to the point I feel nauseous. Today has been no exception, its late and I need to get to bed.

Having a positive outlook makes all the difference...

Ended up skipping the gym today, not really by choice more like there was no time.Between the 4 hours of shopping, putting groceries away with a headache mind you from not eating since 9 am, having to make food to eat and then clean and cook dinner there was just no way to make it before they closed. I did however burn 400+ calories for 3 hrs of actual walking/shopping so it is not like I didn't move my ass today I so did. I think this was the first time in a very long time that I had a good time being out with the SO and grocery shopping. I was not stressed nor did I feel rushed and I got a lot accomplished and enough food to last about 3 months I am hoping. Tomorrow we will be going to the gym for sure and i am happy about that.

I have started this year out with a extremely positive outlook and it is going well for me. It is amazing how your attitude and the way you feel can change how you live your life. I believe that 2012 is going to be a good year, I am feeling better and taking care of myself better. Staying in touch with friends and being more social. Hell I am even blogging more also which makes me smile. Right now SO is in bed and I am sure he is not happy I am pounding away at the keyboard, but for some reason I couldn't post from my mobile (stupid non smart phone) lol.

Just wanted to post an update and get this put down before my thoughts decided to float away. Have a great night all!!!

5.6 pounds gone... Fluke much?

So went to the gym Tues,Wed,Thursday but did nothing today. I finally got my HRM to work right and I burned 536 Calories yesterday and I am hoping that its right. I got on the scale this morning (still WI on Fridays) and it said 177.5! OK so that's 5.6 pounds down from Dec 29 which I was at 184 and I am thinking it has to be a fluke. I have been eating a little better and drinking a ton more water too. I'm happy about it but still seems kinda odd to me that I could put on 21 pounds in 2 months and then just drop 5.6 just from going to the gym and working out? LOL maybe I am on to something or maybe my body is just detoxing and it hasn't leveled itself out. I have been feeling kinda odd lately, a little hot and cold flashes, mild dizziness slight headaches and weakness. I don't think I am getting sick because it doesn't feel like it. More like my body is releasing all the toxins I put in it the last couple of months. Well anyways this is me making an effort to get back into blogging. Hoping that everyone is having a Great Friday and enjoys the weekend!!

Back Yet Again Take 2

Going to try this out again, there just seems to be so much to do lately and not enough time to do it. Maybe I need to cut my FB Games time down a bit and play less World Of Warcraft.

I am back yet again and I felt like doing some blogging this morning. It is damn cold out but its nice and the sun is shinning bright. The last few months of last year were crazy, between Halloween and Christmas all the Candy and Food the hubby working all hours of the morning in Retail and last minute shopping. I am surprised I still have my Sanity lol! Of Course I was so off plan and besides shopping and walking to the store a mile away that was all the moving I did. I started the Gym up this week and I gotta say that it feels amazing and scary at the same time. Got me a Nice Heart rate monitor that I adore for an amazing price (still trying to figure out how to get the calories burned to work right) and some new workout shoes that make my feet feel like they are wrapped in pillows. I am still working on the food part, don't get me wrong I am not going crazy and I am eating healthy but we still have some lingering expensive chocolates hidden around that I dabble in a little too much. What can I say it is my Vice, and I cut out the energy drinks and diet soda so I am on the right track. Still struggling tho with Sodium as usual, and even tho we only occasionally use boxed Potatoes for a side during dinner I think it's the cheese and Lunch meat from our sandwiches. Things are starting to look up and I have noticed that when I keep a positive outlook and try not to stress the small stuff things go well and I can just cruise through life without much effort. This is all new to me, and kinda overwhelming but it does feel good and I feel better!

Just venting

Tom is visiting and I am up 2 pounds, surprised its not more. I have been drinking lots of soda, eating tons of Halloween candy, cookies and cake. I have not tracked anything. There was so much going on at the beginning of the month we decided not to renew our gym membership until next month when things hopefully get back to normal. Still have not heard anything back from the dozen places a Applied for a job. I really don't know how I feel right now as my head is very clouded and I want to stop the crappy eating and get back to normal. It seems like when tom hits this year I have been seriously giving in to the cravings and not even thinking twice about it. I'm tired of fighting because living with 2 people who don't give a damn and bring crap into the house makes it too tough. I have asked nicely over and over for them to not bring it in the house, they don't care. Hell they treat me like Dirt, they are more like 2 invalids who expect me to do everything, without respect mind you then my Parents. I do everything and still they bitch because I make noise when I wash the dishes, or prepare food or really any noise I make in the kitchen. They bitch about the food I cook, and Buy then tell me they are tired of me not cooking food they will eat. It is pathetic and whats more is for the life of me I cannot stand up to them, I let them walk all over me and lie down and take it. In turn it stresses me out more, strains my Relationship with my honey, and even more so because I won't let him say anything or stand up for me... I know I complain about the same things over and over, but nothing changes no matter how much I try. Aside from beating them, which is not an option tho they deserve it, because they are just not nice and miserable humans that try to make me the same way. I will not give up on trying to get the hell out, need money that is not here and is getting harder and harder to do. I want to get out into the world and be a Functional adult, I'm sick of letting my BPD ruin things for me because I will never get better living with those 2...

How much more can I take?

I really need out of my current situation. This toxic Environment I am in is making it so hard to live. I have Applied and Applied and Applied to Job after Job. I got 1 call back for an Interview and the person did not like me because I was nervous and could not answer the questions she asked because of lack of life and job experience. Do you know how much more pathetic that makes me feel? Ughhh I am trying so hard yet life is pushing me harder and harder to the point of Breaking!!

I am not giving up at all, but common enough is enough already! I have asked family for help and of course they don't feel I need it so they wont help me. I have no friends to ask My bestie has her own issues and financial problems and she is there for me enough as a Friend. I just don't know what more I can do to better/change this life I am so stuck in, its getting to the point that I would rather live on the street then have to deal with the constant mind fucking, hurt and bullshit I get put through day in and out. Only problem is that the person who says they love me the most has told me that he will never live on the street and therefore I can do what i need to do but without him.... Still makes me wonder if he truly cares than why would he feel/ say that way? I'm stuck and at my honest breaking point and very very scared!!

Still bumping along this thing called Life...

Again I have been away and came back again LOL. My life is pretty much the same, still dealing with the same drama at home in my toxic Environment. Still broke and still wishing for something more to do with my life than be a house Bitch. But enough about all that. I am down to 169 pounds!~ The lightest I have been since I was a teenager. It feels good and I am beginning to love my body more, even though I have massive loose skin. Been eating great and going to the gym 4 times a week for an hour or more. Been having yard sales almost every weekend and the setting up and packing up burns lots of calories. I sweat allot more now and have also been eating allot of fresh salsa we made from our garden and the Habanero, Cayenne and the Serrano's really fire up the metabolism! I try to keep myself busy, and I do while the SO is at work but when he comes home i just get blah, because we have nothing and don't do anything but sit in front of the computer or sleep other than going to the gym. His $90 a week pays the bills and barely, don't get me wrong Very glad that he even has a job since they are so hard to come by nowadays, and at least the bills are getting paid. I can barely afford to buy food anymore and I am the only one who actually buys Real food, my mom buys nothing but junk and then throws it in my face when she buys a package of chicken, when I mention I cannot afford to feed all 4 of us anymore with no help... It is an endless cycle and every opportunity that we have had to get out was just as bad as staying here, and with having to pay utilities and rent there is no way it is possible especially without a car. It really makes me cry when now you literally have to have a car and tons of money to anything. Aside from going on a walk or bike ride but that gets old and you can only do so much before its time to come home and clean up after the parental units because their hands are broke!!! Then the Viscous Cycle begins all over again anyways so the stress relief you get from exercising is diminished from all the stress. I would like to say that my life sucks, but I know that I have more than allot of people out there and I am thankful for that. But when is it enough to go through so much and never ever get a break. Murderers and child abusers and DICKS and Pricks get everything handed to them and us Good people, the hard workers and the kind Get the Shaft... Do you really think that is the way the world is supposed to work? Well it does because man kind sucks and they are destroying faith and any Hopes for a future. I would never bring a child into this horrible world hell at the rate my life is going a child is never going to happen nor is marriage without Stability and financial stability. Now I am no wheres trying to throw a pity party I am just getting things off my chest that have been bugging me lately.

I applied for every job opening withing a 100 mile radius and nothing not an e-mail or phone call. Some places I have applied to every 6 months and still nothing. So I am not sitting on my ass waiting for a handout, because even thought I have BPD I doubt I will be approved on my final SS Appeal. Sad that I know so many people that use tax dollars to buy Drugs!!! Me I would use the money to get out of this toxic Environment once and for all, and buy all the fresh clean foods I would love to eat but cannot afford. I would never buy alcohol or junk food as I don't now at all with my EBT. So I will continue on with my gym 4 times a week and eat right and hope to be healthy. And hope that I can get something going in my life before its too late and I end up just like my parents (which I know they secretly hope for).

Crazy weather, and feeling down :(

Man we have really been having some crazy weather in Sacramento, hell all over the US. It is June and we have Downpours, Hail and even Tornado warnings and it is really scary. I guess it is the weather that has me down and I have been feeling a bit ill. Eating has been horrible and I have not got any excersise in at all. This time last year we were on the bike trails everyday or at the beach soaking up the sun and having picnics. It is depressing and as I sit and type this I somewhat realize that I always seem to have an excuse as to why my lazy but cannot get going. I have been doing a ton of work on my mental state and have made some progress, but I cannot help but think there is something deep in me that keeps me from doing what I need to do and I have no idea what it is. It is like barried and I cannot get it to come out, its rather frustrating.

I did get another new pair of shoes that I ADORE!!! Thought I would share because they rock. When i got them home I didnt realize they matched up with the cute little Lingerie that my honey bought me last month. :)