Beccas weight loss struggles

Not so good at my Commitment to blogging so far...

2012-01-31T18:08:00.001-08:00

I had made a commitment to blog more at the beginning of the year. I have not kept it up as much as I would like to. There just doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to do everything I want to do. I complain about being bored a lot but yet I can't find time to do things during the day. Get up and eat breakfast check my FB and do my games which only takes about 15 minutes by that time the hubs is coming home, its time for lunch then to get ready for gym. Gym is an hour and a half give or take, then come home have snack and its time to do chores and start dinner. Clean and do dishes after dinner and I get about 2 hours to sit and relax and it is usually to Play WOW or to scrapbook or coupon. Then at 9pm it is hubs bedtime and I sit with him and I read until I get tired, and I cannot blog from my non smart phone anymore for whatever reason and I don't want to leave him to come and blog. Guess I will just have to cut some time off of other things or something!

We went to visit my aunt this past Thursday and we were there until Sunday afternoon. It was nice to get away and I felt good with little ailments (other than a few tummy issues, nothing like what I have at home). No headaches which was a plus, but the eating was not so great. I know that I don't eat a lot of things that I know are not the best for me and I eat as healthy as I can and most ppl would say that eating off plan or off limit foods is OK once in awhile. For me they are not, the simple fact that they trick my brain into being hungry all the time and I just can't stop eating once I start. When I got home on Sunday I could not stop eating junk food, chips and Guacamole, sees candy and tons of chocolate. There are times that I can enjoy a small treat of real Organic Chocolate, or organic Gelato without feeling deprived or feeling more hungry or out of control. But if I eat the stuff that is Sugar, Fat and salt laden I go buck-wild. I have been reading an awesome book that is helping me understand why and it is a great addition to all the nutritional information I read about all the time to get better informed so that I may get as healthy as I can and stay that way forever.

Bad day

2012-01-15T23:28:00.000-08:00

Could not stop eating today, no idea why. I had tons of chocolate and ice Cream and I just have not been feeling good. I have ate very healthy and clean for the last 2 weeks and I have also had serious Heartburn and acid Indigestion to the point I feel nauseous. Today has been no exception, its late and I need to get to bed.

Having a positive outlook makes all the difference...

2012-01-10T21:10:00.000-08:00

Ended up skipping the gym today, not really by choice more like there was no time.Between the 4 hours of shopping, putting groceries away with a headache mind you from not eating since 9 am, having to make food to eat and then clean and cook dinner there was just no way to make it before they closed. I did however burn 400+ calories for 3 hrs of actual walking/shopping so it is not like I didn't move my ass today I so did. I think this was the first time in a very long time that I had a good time being out with the SO and grocery shopping. I was not stressed nor did I feel rushed and I got a lot accomplished and enough food to last about 3 months I am hoping. Tomorrow we will be going to the gym for sure and i am happy about that.

I have started this year out with a extremely positive outlook and it is going well for me. It is amazing how your attitude and the way you feel can change how you live your life. I believe that 2012 is going to be a good year, I am feeling better and taking care of myself better. Staying in touch with friends and being more social. Hell I am even blogging more also which makes me smile. Right now SO is in bed and I am sure he is not happy I am pounding away at the keyboard, but for some reason I couldn't post from my mobile (stupid non smart phone) lol.

Just wanted to post an update and get this put down before my thoughts decided to float away. Have a great night all!!!

5.6 pounds gone... Fluke much?

2012-01-06T20:33:00.000-08:00

So went to the gym Tues,Wed,Thursday but did nothing today. I finally got my HRM to work right and I burned 536 Calories yesterday and I am hoping that its right. I got on the scale this morning (still WI on Fridays) and it said 177.5! OK so that's 5.6 pounds down from Dec 29 which I was at 184 and I am thinking it has to be a fluke. I have been eating a little better and drinking a ton more water too. I'm happy about it but still seems kinda odd to me that I could put on 21 pounds in 2 months and then just drop 5.6 just from going to the gym and working out? LOL maybe I am on to something or maybe my body is just detoxing and it hasn't leveled itself out. I have been feeling kinda odd lately, a little hot and cold flashes, mild dizziness slight headaches and weakness. I don't think I am getting sick because it doesn't feel like it. More like my body is releasing all the toxins I put in it the last couple of months. Well anyways this is me making an effort to get back into blogging. Hoping that everyone is having a Great Friday and enjoys the weekend!!

Back Yet Again Take 2

2012-01-05T09:21:00.000-08:00

Going to try this out again, there just seems to be so much to do lately and not enough time to do it. Maybe I need to cut my FB Games time down a bit and play less World Of Warcraft.

I am back yet again and I felt like doing some blogging this morning. It is damn cold out but its nice and the sun is shinning bright. The last few months of last year were crazy, between Halloween and Christmas all the Candy and Food the hubby working all hours of the morning in Retail and last minute shopping. I am surprised I still have my Sanity lol! Of Course I was so off plan and besides shopping and walking to the store a mile away that was all the moving I did. I started the Gym up this week and I gotta say that it feels amazing and scary at the same time. Got me a Nice Heart rate monitor that I adore for an amazing price (still trying to figure out how to get the calories burned to work right) and some new workout shoes that make my feet feel like they are wrapped in pillows. I am still working on the food part, don't get me wrong I am not going crazy and I am eating healthy but we still have some lingering expensive chocolates hidden around that I dabble in a little too much. What can I say it is my Vice, and I cut out the energy drinks and diet soda so I am on the right track. Still struggling tho with Sodium as usual, and even tho we only occasionally use boxed Potatoes for a side during dinner I think it's the cheese and Lunch meat from our sandwiches. Things are starting to look up and I have noticed that when I keep a positive outlook and try not to stress the small stuff things go well and I can just cruise through life without much effort. This is all new to me, and kinda overwhelming but it does feel good and I feel better!

Just venting

2011-10-14T11:06:00.000-07:00

Tom is visiting and I am up 2 pounds, surprised its not more. I have been drinking lots of soda, eating tons of Halloween candy, cookies and cake. I have not tracked anything. There was so much going on at the beginning of the month we decided not to renew our gym membership until next month when things hopefully get back to normal. Still have not heard anything back from the dozen places a Applied for a job. I really don't know how I feel right now as my head is very clouded and I want to stop the crappy eating and get back to normal. It seems like when tom hits this year I have been seriously giving in to the cravings and not even thinking twice about it. I'm tired of fighting because living with 2 people who don't give a damn and bring crap into the house makes it too tough. I have asked nicely over and over for them to not bring it in the house, they don't care. Hell they treat me like Dirt, they are more like 2 invalids who expect me to do everything, without respect mind you then my Parents. I do everything and still they bitch because I make noise when I wash the dishes, or prepare food or really any noise I make in the kitchen. They bitch about the food I cook, and Buy then tell me they are tired of me not cooking food they will eat. It is pathetic and whats more is for the life of me I cannot stand up to them, I let them walk all over me and lie down and take it. In turn it stresses me out more, strains my Relationship with my honey, and even more so because I won't let him say anything or stand up for me... I know I complain about the same things over and over, but nothing changes no matter how much I try. Aside from beating them, which is not an option tho they deserve it, because they are just not nice and miserable humans that try to make me the same way. I will not give up on trying to get the hell out, need money that is not here and is getting harder and harder to do. I want to get out into the world and be a Functional adult, I'm sick of letting my BPD ruin things for me because I will never get better living with those 2...

How much more can I take?

2011-10-11T17:46:00.000-07:00

I really need out of my current situation. This toxic Environment I am in is making it so hard to live. I have Applied and Applied and Applied to Job after Job. I got 1 call back for an Interview and the person did not like me because I was nervous and could not answer the questions she asked because of lack of life and job experience. Do you know how much more pathetic that makes me feel? Ughhh I am trying so hard yet life is pushing me harder and harder to the point of Breaking!!

I am not giving up at all, but common enough is enough already! I have asked family for help and of course they don't feel I need it so they wont help me. I have no friends to ask My bestie has her own issues and financial problems and she is there for me enough as a Friend. I just don't know what more I can do to better/change this life I am so stuck in, its getting to the point that I would rather live on the street then have to deal with the constant mind fucking, hurt and bullshit I get put through day in and out. Only problem is that the person who says they love me the most has told me that he will never live on the street and therefore I can do what i need to do but without him.... Still makes me wonder if he truly cares than why would he feel/ say that way? I'm stuck and at my honest breaking point and very very scared!!

Still bumping along this thing called Life...

2011-08-27T17:13:00.000-07:00

Again I have been away and came back again LOL. My life is pretty much the same, still dealing with the same drama at home in my toxic Environment. Still broke and still wishing for something more to do with my life than be a house Bitch. But enough about all that. I am down to 169 pounds!~ The lightest I have been since I was a teenager. It feels good and I am beginning to love my body more, even though I have massive loose skin. Been eating great and going to the gym 4 times a week for an hour or more. Been having yard sales almost every weekend and the setting up and packing up burns lots of calories. I sweat allot more now and have also been eating allot of fresh salsa we made from our garden and the Habanero, Cayenne and the Serrano's really fire up the metabolism! I try to keep myself busy, and I do while the SO is at work but when he comes home i just get blah, because we have nothing and don't do anything but sit in front of the computer or sleep other than going to the gym. His $90 a week pays the bills and barely, don't get me wrong Very glad that he even has a job since they are so hard to come by nowadays, and at least the bills are getting paid. I can barely afford to buy food anymore and I am the only one who actually buys Real food, my mom buys nothing but junk and then throws it in my face when she buys a package of chicken, when I mention I cannot afford to feed all 4 of us anymore with no help... It is an endless cycle and every opportunity that we have had to get out was just as bad as staying here, and with having to pay utilities and rent there is no way it is possible especially without a car. It really makes me cry when now you literally have to have a car and tons of money to anything. Aside from going on a walk or bike ride but that gets old and you can only do so much before its time to come home and clean up after the parental units because their hands are broke!!! Then the Viscous Cycle begins all over again anyways so the stress relief you get from exercising is diminished from all the stress. I would like to say that my life sucks, but I know that I have more than allot of people out there and I am thankful for that. But when is it enough to go through so much and never ever get a break. Murderers and child abusers and DICKS and Pricks get everything handed to them and us Good people, the hard workers and the kind Get the Shaft... Do you really think that is the way the world is supposed to work? Well it does because man kind sucks and they are destroying faith and any Hopes for a future. I would never bring a child into this horrible world hell at the rate my life is going a child is never going to happen nor is marriage without Stability and financial stability. Now I am no wheres trying to throw a pity party I am just getting things off my chest that have been bugging me lately.

I applied for every job opening withing a 100 mile radius and nothing not an e-mail or phone call. Some places I have applied to every 6 months and still nothing. So I am not sitting on my ass waiting for a handout, because even thought I have BPD I doubt I will be approved on my final SS Appeal. Sad that I know so many people that use tax dollars to buy Drugs!!! Me I would use the money to get out of this toxic Environment once and for all, and buy all the fresh clean foods I would love to eat but cannot afford. I would never buy alcohol or junk food as I don't now at all with my EBT. So I will continue on with my gym 4 times a week and eat right and hope to be healthy. And hope that I can get something going in my life before its too late and I end up just like my parents (which I know they secretly hope for).

Crazy weather, and feeling down :(

2011-06-02T09:27:00.000-07:00

Man we have really been having some crazy weather in Sacramento, hell all over the US. It is June and we have Downpours, Hail and even Tornado warnings and it is really scary. I guess it is the weather that has me down and I have been feeling a bit ill. Eating has been horrible and I have not got any excersise in at all. This time last year we were on the bike trails everyday or at the beach soaking up the sun and having picnics. It is depressing and as I sit and type this I somewhat realize that I always seem to have an excuse as to why my lazy but cannot get going. I have been doing a ton of work on my mental state and have made some progress, but I cannot help but think there is something deep in me that keeps me from doing what I need to do and I have no idea what it is. It is like barried and I cannot get it to come out, its rather frustrating.

I did get another new pair of shoes that I ADORE!!! Thought I would share because they rock. When i got them home I didnt realize they matched up with the cute little Lingerie that my honey bought me last month. :)

I started a new blog about Couponing!

2011-05-31T14:15:00.000-07:00

I'm still here on this one tho, I have not written in awhile. Going as strong as I can be with this crappy weather we are having and all the parties and Junk food that's been passed around these last few weekends. The booze does not help either but after the massive hangover I had this past weekend I am done with it for a good long while. Fridays weigh in was not so good but only up 1.5 pounds and TOM is visiting so it was expected, lets just hope I can get back down a few more and that would make me happy!

Anyways I started a new blog about how I started to save massive amount's of money through couponing. Where to find them and how to start, organizing and Matching its all in the blog. Please stop over and comment and feel free to follow as I will be posting Pictures and blogging more about how to save money and Maximize your groceries without spending a fortune on everything! Check it out and spread the word for me, it would be much appreciated!!!

http://whileyoureshopping.blogspot.com/

Im still here, pushing along and doing good!

2011-05-26T20:54:00.000-07:00

I am still on track despite TOM visiting this week. One thing I am grateful for is that it comes like clockwork now and its so much more regular within the last couple of years. I have started a new blog about couponing and I am hoping that I can keep up with both. Being as I have a lot of free time I do not see it as too much of a problem. Life is still going good and I am very thankful for that, as I have put my foot down about allot of the issues that were causing me to be unhappy living at home. I feel more free and independent and relaxed. Still things I have to work on but I am not giving up.
Not sure what the Weigh in will look like tomorrow considering that I am super bloated and I did a lot of walking today and I am just not hungry enough to eat all of my calories. I am sure it will hurt me in the long run but hey maybe when I am finished here I will go have a Greek yogurt with some fresh fruit :) Have a great night everyone

2011-05-24T14:06:00.000-07:00

I know I posted already today but I came across a post about shoes and thought I would share some of mine.

For the first time in a very very long time I am Happy!

2011-05-24T13:48:00.000-07:00

Things have been doing well lately, my commitment has been really solid with a few slips up here and there but I always kick back into gear and make up for it. So far my year has been awesome, it started out kind shittay but it has been great and I hope it only gets better. I keep telling myself that this will be my year and if I push hard enough I will achieve a goal or 2!! Eating has been clean for the most part, mom bought me a bag of Flamin hot Cheetos and I binged on them at midnight, and my tummy is so paying for it. That's the worst I have really done and that is a great accomplishment for me. I have learned allot about what will power and Motivation really mean and it has changed the way I look at things for the better. I got on my bike today and rode, tho it wasn't very far it still felt really good and I want to keep on doing it! I really miss the 23 mile bike rides we did last summer and I think I could build up to that and more. Trails here I come so look out!! lol it is a beautiful day outside and I am stoked.
I started to do extreme Couponing within the last few months and it really has helped me to save tons of money. It has also taught me how to look for deals that I cannot get or use coupons for. I have a few new things I bought myself and it feels good to be able to save and find great deals. I am also so much more happy with myself and my life and have come so far in my mental health journey and it is exciting to see the improvements in all aspect's of my life. I have made some new friends and have been in touch with some I have known for years and they are all positive influences and very supportive of me. I am happeh and it feels amazing. Have a great Tuesday everyone!~

Tuesday ramblings

2011-05-17T10:35:00.000-07:00

Yesterday went so well, i did very good eating wise and I am very proud. I did have some withdrawal symptoms later in the evening due to no sugar and all the chemical stuff. I am starting my morning off with Steel cut oats with Chia bran, Fresh Fruit and a tsp of Wheat bran. I hope that today will go as good as yesterday because I felt really good without all that crap clouding my brain up. The weather is a bummer here right now, rain storms in the middle of may :(* trying not to let it get me down tho. I decided to work on the eating clean and good healthy foods and as soon as the weather gets nicer its time to walk and bike ride again. My asthma has been terrible as my allergies too. Need to get that under control before I step up my game, don't want to be down for the count before I even start lol. Have a great Tuesday everyone!

My Solid Commitment :)

2011-05-16T08:06:00.000-07:00

I am making a solid commitment today to kick my butt in gear and get back on track. I have tried several times in the last 4 months and it just gets harder and harder. I tell myself I am going to start logging my food again and blogging and something just keeps me from it. It is not like I have gained a ton of weight back, i mean I have gained and lost and gained and lost but its only about 5-7 pounds. It is mainly the eating that got me so far off track, diet soda, chips, chocolate, Ice cream, cheese and CAKE... All the things I could go without eating and have in moderation on occasion. I got super lazy about allot of stuff as I was trying to work on my mental well being and I realized that it was not helping and I felt like crap all the time. No energy fatigued all the time, hungry non stop no matter how much I ate, BLAH that is not the way I want to live and it shows me how easy it is to go back to the old way of eating. I did notice that when the SO works and I get up I am all Gun ho and ready to eat right and work out and then the minute he comes home and opens a bag of chips, or pretzels or makes something Awesome for lunch (that is almost always 90% healthy, after I already had my lunch) it just makes me so mad that I say Forget it what am I fighting for. 4 years I have been at this and I still let what the others I live with dictate how and what I eat and bring me down and discourage me. I wish I could find a way around it. This feeling does suck, and I don't know why it is there, sometimes I think its just part of my BPD but others I think its lack of willpower and determination. So today is a new day, I had my glass of water first thing and now I am eating old fashioned oats, with chia bran and fresh cut strawberries. Here is hoping the rest of the day goes well!

why is it so hard?

2011-04-25T13:37:00.000-07:00

Why is it so hard to get back on track when u haven fallen so far? I have so many thoughts and ideas and goals floating in my head, but I cannot find the motivation to follow through with any of them. This is harder than when I first started and all I want to do right now is eat more chocolate and chips and eggs from easter...

Goals, thoughts and updates :) oh my...

2011-04-19T09:22:00.000-07:00

Wow a what a couple of weeks it has been, so busy that I forgot to pay my CC bill and we somehow Forgot to pay the cell phone bill too. It stressed me out so bad yesterday I started throwing things out of the File cabinet trying to find the bill to see if it had said paid on it. When I relaxed finally I was like "what the hell came over me" very scary I thought I was going to have an anurism or stroke. I am taking better care of myself all around and I feel good. I am back on my BP meds and the headaches and chest pains are going away. I am taking celexa now for my depression and I don't care for the side effects but it takes 6-8 weeks to show results. I sure hope the good outweigh the bad. I got my tooth filled and it was fine for the first 2 days then BAMN the pain hit me like a ton of bricks and i was taking so many narcotics I was sick as a dog and nauses all day. It has been about a week and it is doing better, and i can eat soft foods on it, but cold and Brushing hurt like hell. It also aches if I have soda or an energy drink, guess that is more of a reason to stay away from them both. Having a low carb energy drink once in a while wont hurt and It is a hard habbit to break, as I can esily stay away from the soda. Working on me from the inside out has been hard and stressfull but the results are so worth it. I may actually be able to stick to eating right and working out this time.

Busy busy couple of days ahead

2011-03-30T14:30:00.000-07:00

So I am looking at a very full and busy Friday and Saturday this week. Dr apt on Friday in which I am not going to let the Dr brush me off with a 10 min exam this time. I am going to explain to her all that has been going on since I last saw her and have her fill out the Paper work for My SS advocate. Saturday Morning at 12:30am I will be going to a free health thing to get my teeth drilled and my eyes checked, it is first come first serve and I am guessing there will be tons of people there. But I am grateful and thankful for them and those that volunteer their time to help out with this great event. I have food planned out and if I have to I will walk around the parking lot to pass the time as I may be there until 6pm. But it is worth it, otherwise all the work I have had done to get the 20 years worth of calcite deposits and crap off of my teeth would be a waste of time, it will feel awesome to be able to eat on my left side after 10 years of agony. On the food front it has been great I have been taking it slow and introducing foods back into my diet. I am still struggling with the gas and irregularity I get when I eat good, something I will bring up to the doc as well. We have been walking and enjoying the sun and fresh air that i have been looking forward to for a long time. Bring on spring I am so ready for it!!!

on a side note, to my followers

2011-03-29T14:02:00.000-07:00

I had no intentions of bailing on you, life just got in the way and I let it get to me and stop posting for some time. I enjoy my readers comments and they do mean allot to me, again I Appologize for leaving without a word. I can't promise that I wont take a break now and then or forget to blog for awhile, but I will make an effort to at least let everyone know of my absense. I may leave but I will always be back as I feel this helps me out tremendously and may even help out others in the process. I love you all in one way or another, you have made my Journey to a better me more tolarable and have been exteremly kind and helpfull. I thank you all for this and it feels good to be back!

Movie night was good :)

2011-03-29T13:49:00.000-07:00

We rented a movie last night and got some healthy snacks and just relaxed and enjoyed it. I made Air popped corn with EVOO sprayed and Southwest Chipotle and hot sauce sprinkled on it. We had Some pretzels with homemade Hot honey mustard and I had a rice cake with a little Almond butter and honey over the top. I brewed some green tea and put it over ice it was refreshing. All this as a snack and stayed under my calories! Eating healthy means you can eat more!! The sun is shinning today, I did a little spring cleaning and now I am enjoying a Salad some sushi and then its off for a nice walk to the store and to donate some stuff to goodwill. Have a great day everyone:)

2011-03-28T14:55:00.000-07:00

Finally a break in the dreary weather but how long will it last? I am afraid to get my hopes up and start anything new just get disappointed. On another note I have been taking care of myself with showing regularly and taking care of my teeth and my face. it makes me feel so much more feminine and also helps my self esteem which is another thing I am greatly working on as well. I have been logging for 2 days and eating good without feeling hungry or deprived of the soda and sugar laden crap I have been eating. I guess I forgot what it was like to eat good and feel good for it. There is still much to work on but I think I'm making great strides and breakthroughs with my issues. Doing it myself is deff stressful but to me it is better than not doing anything and blaming others when all along it has been my fears of change. I still feel like I don't deserve to be happy or healthy and that is something I am working on mostly because without that I feel like I would never get better or be able to move on. I know in my heart that I am human and a good person, I care way to much and that's one of my problems. But Baby steppes and I feel I will get there this time. I'm going to be 30 and I still feel like I am 16 ooo that's not so good LOL on some levels anyways. I hope everyone enjoys the day and this great weather we are having at the moment!!

Omg, I am back again :)

2011-03-08T09:34:00.000-08:00

Wow I have been away for so long that typing here seems so foreign to me. The end of last year was really horrible for me and I feel back into crappy eating and Depression. It was the first Christmas without my Kahlua and it was bad, i didn't even get out of bed and my boyfriend was so frustrated he made things worse by yelling at me and calling me a horrible bitch. Anyways things are slowly getting better and I am not so depressed anymore. I have gained some weight back with clothes on in the am I am at 188 pounds so I am guessing somewhere around 185 or so. Eating has not been all bad, just got back into drinking allot of diet soda and eating tons of chocolate and now coffee ice cream. *sigh* Winter always sucks for me and I cannot wait until the weather starts to get nicer, I am going to go into the rest of the year with my head held high. This is going to be my year after all I think I need it with all that has been going on. I may have made stupid choices that made my life hell but I am learning and I know what I can and cannot change so that I can have the life I want!!

Today was a better day :)

2010-11-07T22:00:00.001-08:00

Today was a much better day then I have had in a long time. Thank you all for your wonderful comments they help me and do mean alot to me. Eating was good, whole grain pancakes with aguave maple syrup for breakfast, stone ground corn tortillas with black beans and brown rice for lunch. Homemade clean chicken noodle soup with lots of veggies and a little brown rice, ryvita rye crackers. Grapes, pumpkin seeds a small piece of organic chocolate and 1 small oatmeal cookie (homemade as well). Nothing in the way of ecersise other than walking in the store for groceries as it is cold and rainy here. I feel so much better when I make better choices and don't beat myself up over my not so good choices. Breaking the sweet habit will be hard but I know I can do it if I slowly wean myself off, I think I did well. Until tommorow have a great night. ps blogging from my phone no spell check lol.

Depression is a real B@%^H

2010-11-06T22:38:00.000-07:00

Its getting worse, the depression and the emotional eating and I am afraid I am so far gone there is no coming back. I have gained back 20 pounds in the last 3 months, and at the rate of emotional binging I am sure it will be 30 or 40 if I continue on this destructive path. You see if you are a follower then you would know that I have sever home issues and live in a very toxic environment. Lately I am just tired of fighting and I have given up and given in. I still cannot grasp what everyone has expressed to me about it being my money and my right to buy and cook what I want and just because I live her rent free doesn't mean I don't deserve respect. I can stand up for myself to just about anyone except my parents. Things are just so bad right now and I am thankful that I have given up the drinking and I am def to old to be drugging, so the next best (or just as worse in reality) is food. I don't know what happened but I am not the same person I was a year ago, I still miss my dog dearly and with the holidays coming up it is just awful. I really have nothing in the way of support, friends or a social life, the people I know just don't have time for me anymore and it freaking hurts. How does one go on and get through the tough times with enabling toxic situation that I have no means to get out off, and no one to lean on or support and motivate. Giving up completely is not too far from my mind lately, I just feel like "what am I fighting for"? I'm going to be 30 still live at home with no job, too many mental issues and what little income I have goes towards food and bills, no car and a relationship that i feel will never go anywhere. It will be 6 years in July and I feel like there is no future, I have someone I have known for a really long time who I guess is the closest I get to a friend who met someone about a month ago, hit it off so well that she moved in with him and they are getting married next year. Now normally I would think its to fast, but knowing her and how she is if they are still together 24/7 all this time then there is def something there because she it the type that either the other person or her gets on the nerves after about 2-3 days. I am happy for her I really am but what does that say about me, 6 years and not even a ring or a proposal I guess that's another thing that has been bothering me also, that and all these acquaintances are all doing tings with their lives and are able to do what they want when they want. I don't have that freedom or luxury, i truly feel like a loser, never been to a party, never stayed in a hotel (other than to get high in my old days) but that's not the same. I have never really been out of California (once on my 21st b-day when we went to Reno NV) Barely out of Sacramento, just the bay area and One time to SO Cal but it wasn't very pleasant. I fail at life and I guess I am truly just biding my time...

I am all over the place...

2010-11-03T21:13:00.000-07:00

Todays eating was way worse then yesterday, I mean cookies and Dorritos for breakfast, 1/4 pound of chocolate for a snack, a healthy wrap for lunch, followed by more Dorritos. Then a light dinner and 8 more cookies, oh yeah and a half a slice of pumpkin bread. Someone shot me! I hate this hold the depression has over my emotional eating. Time to unwind an try to sleep tonight.

Ahhh Booo...

2010-11-02T22:32:00.000-07:00

So i stayed on track all but about 2 weeks and felt fantastic again. Then poof out of nowhere I fell off the wagon again. I do not know what is going on but things are just all out of whack lately and I just cannot seem to get things together. This time of year is just awful for me as it is and my mind just isn't it anymore. I guess I am tired of fighting with my parents about food and groceries. I will never matter that I am the one that buys the food and cooks, I still have to please them because I live under their roof. My mom buys so much crap and I cannot stop her, sure I don't have to eat it, but then it goes to waste and I get yelled at for it. Or sometimes I just have a hard time resisting the candy and chips that are brought in. I weighed in at the DR office today at 186.4 pounds, that is way too much considering I was at 170 in August. I am bummed out and depressed and there is a ton of Crap surrounding me, Halloween candy that we bought because it was on sale, and I mean 7 big bags full of it and not to mention I have been baking cookies and eating 4-5 at a time. Real homemade cookies each batch with at least 1-2 pounds of butter in them and white sugar on top of the brown sugar. I know they are better for me then the crap you buy thats loaded with things you cannot even pronounce but only in moderation and lately I don't even know what that means. I thought maybe blogging again would help to keep me on track, but when I noticed that I wasn't getting much comments and support it kinda just made me feel like I was back at square 1. I know this blog is for me, but I rely very much on others for support and advice because I don't have any friends and my family is very supportive. The SO used to be, but since he took up drinking and started working and being tired and lazy again it has been hard. Of course he has a Physically demanding job and he rides a bike to and from work (weather permitting) he can get away with the extra calories in a little bit of junk food now and then, but not me. I guess that I am being hard on myself and I know it could be worse, I still don't eat fast food, I stay away from restaurants and foods I cannot pronounce or overly processed crap, I'm still eating things I shouldn't be to the point it makes me ill. OK I think I have done enough rambling for tonight. Tomorrow is a new day and maybe I can start out slow and try and get myself going in the right direction before it is TOO LATE!

Tuesdays musings

2010-10-19T13:46:00.000-07:00

Since I have not been logging much or blogging this month I weighed in this morning @ 177.5. That brings me back down and I feel great, so much more energy, thinking clearer for the most part. I have some issue that I am working out and verry glad that I am clear headed enough to deal with them like a normal person (or one that has mental issues) lol. The weather will be nice today & tomorrow so I am going to take advantage of it and get some fresh air and excersise. Looking forward to dinner tonight of chicken, sweet potato and fresh zuccini. Have a great Tuesday all

My Second 5k :)

2010-10-17T14:03:00.000-07:00

Today was the Making Strides against Breast Cancer 5k walk. We did it and feel great about it. Never in a million years would I have thought me, my honey, my mom and my aunt would be walking in a 5k let alone 2. This is our second one this year and I am actually looking forward to doing more and maybe even a 10k. I am not a runner due to my asthma but I still feel that walking and participating is not only helping others out it is also for my health. Eating has been great, tho last night I had 3 pieces of Halloween chocolate. But I didn't take that as a queue to keep eating crap instead I had some popcorn and fruit. It is cold and rainy here is Sacramento right now and not much to do but stay inside and keep warm and dry. Mom and honey are both sleeping, as they had not so great food for lunch. I was feeling nauseous so I came home and had a few Ryvita crackers and a half a banana and lots of water. My tootsies are cold all of a sudden lol well it is cold in my house as we have had such awesome weather this comes at as kinda a surprise. I feel good about getting back into my blogging, tho I miss all the encouragement and comments I have gotten in the past. I know I just need to keep on writing and hope for the best.

still going in the right direction

2010-10-14T22:24:00.000-07:00

I have been eating clean for 3 days now and im feeling awesome. Did 2.25 miles today and so headed in the right direction. Sunday will be my 2nd 5k and i am excited and very proud. well i am blogging from my phone and its getting late. Time for sleepies, good night blogging friends, hope everyone has an awesome Friday!

Headed in the right direction :)

2010-10-13T19:07:00.000-07:00

It took me awhile but I am on the way to being on track for good. I have been eating clean and drinking lots of water and I feel fantastic. I do not know why i ever stopped, because I tell you feeling like this is far better than how I have been feeling in the last 2 months. My apologies for not blogging as much as I did in the past, I just feel like it is always the same Ole crap that I vent, rant and complain about. Most of it I am working on and part of it is a whole helluva lot harder.

I am just glad to be feeling better and doing better eating wise. My next step is to get moving more, I have made a small goal to walk everyday and workout at least 3 times a week. The walking has been easier than the working out, I should get off my duff and go work out I have a couple hours to kill before bed time. Have a great night everyone!!

Weekends...

2010-09-19T13:54:00.000-07:00

This getting back on track is harder than I thought, even more so then it was when I first started my Journey. I could have done a lot worse and I have at least been trying to make the better choices of what I am eating. Yesterday was very stressful and for lunch I had a half a extra small banana and a snack size PB cup. Dinner was better except it consisted of bread, lunch meat, cheese and toppings that were Sodium laden. The one thing I cannot seem to get a handle on again is the sodium. I have a Cheese addiction and that doesn't seem to help it either.

Sundays are so lazy here and I really just want to crawl into bed and take a nap. The weather outside is weird it was cloudy windy and rainy and now its clear and the sun is shinning. I know I want to work out later in the evening but I am thinking a walk might be in order to cheer me up and get my heart pumping.

It is a new week and I know it will be better, weekends always are the worst for me, but I am working on changing that. Hope everyone is having a great weekend!!!

Things are going well :) and I am excited about it!

2010-09-16T15:57:00.000-07:00

Thank god tomorrow is Friday! I have had a nice couple of days on the excersice front. Eating has been OK, except in the evenings because I have TOM visiting :(. I went to the gym yesterday and did 23 minutes on the Treadmill, 17 on the Elliptical and 6 on the bike. I also used that arm thing y that looks like a y and it is behind you and you push it up LOL no idea what it is called. I would have liked to have done more but the person I was with was done after an hour. Today I worked out to Hip Hop Abs, I don't really like it because it was more an ab thing then anything but it was the Fat burning cardio, and there was a lot of aerobic dance in it. Going to do this again next week and I am looking forward to going to the gym again. It is just a fitness center at my cousins Condo but it is still nice and outside the norm for me. Makes me start thinking about saving a bit to join the gym with my honey. Now I just need to get my late night snacking and Cheese Addiction under control. My fat, Sat Fat and Cholesterol have been all over the place lately. That and sodium and that is no Buenos. No fear tho I am already feeling better and excited about doing something different and having my cousin to talk to about things as I have not really had anyone other than my honey to talk to. Now if I could just get my sleeping back on track then i will be good... Did a no no today and drank an entire 24 ounce can of low carb monster. I got up yesterday morn at 5:20 am after a poor nights sleep and again this am at 7 with semi poor sleep. I am tired and I think I will take a nice leisure bath tonight with some tea.

Lets give this another shot.. I miss you all!!!

2010-09-14T21:06:00.000-07:00

Looks like I have lost a few Followers in my abscense. I know that I have been away far to long, I guess I just needed a break for a bit. I am back on track now and doing good. I was at 170 pounds in the beginning of August and as of last Friday's WI I am up to 181 pounds. Going to a Gym with my cousin in the morning and so looking forward to it. It feels good to be back to eating right and healthy and to move. I worked out today to my daily dozen and it felt awesome, and made me totally energized in which I have not had any energy as of late. Well I am off to relax and go to bed, have an early day tomorrow. I will get back to my blogging... I have Missed you all dearly, sorry if I have a ton of catching up to do!!!

Anyone have a Cure for Extremely Dry/Cracked Lips?

2010-08-11T14:07:00.000-07:00

Still here, still trudging along slowly. Have not lost any weight lately, thinking I may have gained a pound or 2. But for right now I am just trying to get my juju/motivation back. The eating has never been a problem to get into check but the exercise is a whole other monster. With my honey now working and riding his bike 2 and from work and having a physically demanding job I feel like I need to step up my game and get going. Before I know it he will surpass me and I will be like whoa what happened LOL. Life at home is still crappy my parents are getting worse and I am trying to stop the binge drinking to cope and get productive with handling my stress. All in due time, been drinking nothing but water and staying on a clean eating plan. Was going to work out this morning but got caught up in doing stuff around the house. I'm tired of making excuses I just need to get my but off this computer and do it!!

Anyone have any remedies or cures for extremely dry and cracked lips? I have tried every chap stick/balm out there and nothing helps :( they bleed and just look like crap

Somewhat back on track and it feels good!

2010-07-29T16:22:00.000-07:00

I am getting back on track I think, for the most part. It has been hard to fight off the false feelings of being hungry and wanting to eat junk. Went for a bike ride to the farmers market and it felt good. Despite not having money I did scrounge up some to get a few things, tho they seem to be costing more and more whenever we go. I wish that I could find out if they have a Food stamp program or vouchers for those that have an EBT card. I feel good, I have been drinking a ton of water and am hoping the RUM is out of my liver and bloodstream. My honey starts work soon, on some levels I cannot wait but on others I am terrified as we have been together 24/7 for the last 2 years it is definitely going to take some getting used to that is for sure. I have a plan lets just hope that I can stick to it. I will get up and make breakfast, clean the kitchen and do dishes, then workout. Drink a ton of water and try and do things around the house to keep myself busy and off of FB apps like farm town and farm ville lol. It is amazing how much better I feel now that I have been eating right and moving, i don't get why I still eat the crap when I know it makes me feel like crapola! My mom keeps bringing it into the house, no matter what I tell her and it still pisses me off, I have asked her nicely and still she does it, If I throw it out she will throw a fit because I am waisting her money that she doesn't have... then why buy the crap in the first place?

August will be 2 years on my Journey...

2010-07-28T15:44:00.000-07:00

OK Did I lose my readers or what? I realize that it has been a long time since I have posted, but my last 2 posts seem to have gone unread by my readers... I still have 120 followers, the same as I did before I took a break. Well today is the day that I am taking a stand and getting my but back on track and get with it for ME! I am still not using the NM website anymore, but that's another post for another time. Wish me luck as I get back into a strong routine and eat right and move more and continue on this Journey!

Good News and the happening

2010-07-27T17:21:00.000-07:00

So things have been all fukered up on my end. Too much rum, energy drink, soda and snyders pretzel pieces. I have gained 2 pounds which really isnt too much, but my clothes are tight (fat clothes at that, the 16's) But on a good note my honey has found a job, working at Macy's in the womens dept!!! So now I have to compete with upper class SEXY skinny Women with Money! I guess I still have Issues of self worth and all that to work on, I am only human. Maybe it is the motivation I need to kick my butt into gear... One question tho, Should I be worried?

I'm sick and I suck at getting back on track!!

2010-06-25T23:13:00.000-07:00

I have yet to get back on track... I suck for sure, now im on my period and I am sick with what im hopeing is only a mild sinus infection... all i want to do is sleep and eat... ughhh if it isnt one thing it is another with me. Leave it to me to get sick in summer lol...

wow what a crazy week it has been!!!!

2010-06-17T17:25:00.000-07:00

I have not blogged in forever it seems, as life has been something else as of late. I have a friend from my childhood that is visiting and we have been doing so much! We went to sizzler last Saturday and I did really bad, I got the grilled hibachi chicken with no sauce and a plain baked potato, but I went crazy at the salad bar and had a soft serve Ice cream cone. We shopped for about 10 hours or more in total from Saturday till today, got some cool stuff at the thrift store and got to spend some time taking pictures in old sac at night that came out great. We had Deny's that night and split the $2 hush puppy and vanilla ice cream Sunday between the 3 of us and that was bad in itself, tho we shopped and walked around for 6 hours just that day alone. We did really bad and stopped at BK and had a burger and fries off the value menu... blah we have not had any fast food in 2 years, it was nasty and I was still freaking hungry afterwards. Today we has leatherby's ice cream and I really didn't like it and was not impressed, I prefer frozen soft serve yogurt, tastes better and is so much healthier too. My friend is leaving tomorrow am and this was the last hurrah for us until the next time she visits... I am sad, because we have had a blast, but on the other hand I am kinda glad to be able to get back on track.
So not looking forward to tomorrows weigh in :( I know i have been so off track, I didn't even really log my foods or worry about what and how much I was eating *sigh* I guess to be honest it was the first time in a long time were I felt like an adult with freedom and less stress to worry about crap. I had a great time and I am not going to beat myself up about any of it at all!!

Deep down I don't feel I deserve to be happy...

2010-06-03T21:49:00.000-07:00

I did pretty well on Monday despite the Bud Ice and pretzels, which I had the calories for. Been back on track for the most part this week as eating has been good and we did 11 miles on the bike on Tuesday and 1o on Wednesday. Went to the farmers market today and walked around Old Sacramento for about 2 hours total. It feels good to get moving and eat right again, but I feel like I could be doing more. I still cannot stick with working out no matter how hard I try, I don't know if it is just not something I enjoy and get bored with quick, or if its because I don't like to work out alone and the SO wont get off his but and work out with me... I know it pays off because I have seem results with just a couple of weeks being diligent and working out all but 1 day. You would think that seeing those results would have pushed me to continue or to start up again. I just cannot find my motivation to do it.

Allot of people can see themselves being fit and at there goal weight, not me I have trouble seeing myself anything other than fat and flabby. I have tried and failed and sometimes I feel like that is part of what is holding me back, that and I still deep down inside do not believe I deserve to be happy and skinny. I want to be healthy and get off these BP, and acid reflux medicines, and have a banging body to boot. Its getting there that it tough on me, I just don't have the support or motivation. I love Jillian Micheals and the way she yells at people, because she believes in them and she knows that they are capable of pushing themselves. I need someone like that to push me, because I am not going anywhere by myself lol...

Someone Kick me in the ass, or light a fire under it!!

2010-05-28T14:05:00.000-07:00

So the weather has been really bi-polar here in Sacramento for the last couple of weeks. With that came stress of not being able to get out and walk and bike, which in turn caused me to become Depressed. Then Of course my TOM was in the works and that did not make it any easier. Also in that time I have come to the realization that the people I thought were my friends are only there when they want something from me. Therefore I have no real friends and that comes the thought of not being able to hang out and have BB Q's in the summer and OHHHH the Loneliness :(... This is too much to handle all at once, so I decided that eating, sleeping and Drinking would help me get through all the emotions that were brewing in me. Yeah drinking Rum and soda or energy drinks every day isn't very helpful. Yesterday was bad, I had A family size bag of jalapeno popper Doritos to myself, 3 doughnuts for breakfast, 4 ounces of lunch meat on my sandwich and for dinner 5 pieces of pizza and 3 crazy breads with lots of sauce. Now I know it could have been worse and I know i made these choices and I am OK with them, but did they help? Not in the least! I am surprised that I woke up in a better mood today with a bit of energy and clean eats to start the day. A afternoon walk that started with some douche yelling out his car "walk fat ass, Walk!!" I was like WTF, then I flipped him off and told him to come say it to my face and called him a Motherfucker!! I was pissed because for one, I have not ever had anyone do that to me since I was a teen. Second I know I'm still fat at 177 pounds and only 5'1 but I don't need some stranger reminding me of that. Yeah I am up from 173 but I am aware and I know now that the weather is improving I will be too!! Happy Friday everyone

Eating right and still struggling, and more Tattoo pictures LOL

2010-05-19T20:59:00.000-07:00

I have been back into my eating right and moving since Monday and I am still hungry all the time. I don't know whats going on, other than I am allowed 1228-1400 calories depending on how much I exercise to lose 1 pound a week. I decided to go back on maintenance again so I can have more calories and see if it helps. The only other thing I can think of is that I'm a week away from starting my period. I have noticed that once a month I go up a few pounds and then right back down again. Anyone else have that problem? I am sure it is because of the dreaded woman monthly and I guess that I should not let it bother me 0r get me down because it happens and there is nothing I can do about it, besides I go back down anyways. My new tattoo is healing nicely, but the last one I got is having issues. My girl didn't go in that deep but was having problems with her gun and the colored ink she was using. I wanted her to finish it so that i can share it but she said it wasn't healed enough for her liking. It has been 2 weeks now, so I am hoping by the end of the month I can have it finished.

Here it is when she first did it :

And this is it now:

I got a new Tattoo

2010-05-17T14:16:00.001-07:00

Just wanted to share my newest tatt I got it today and I am so in love with it!!!

another pound gone this week :)

2010-05-15T10:43:00.000-07:00

I lost a pound this week so I am happy to be at 174. I have really been kicking my but with my workouts and making sure I drink tons of water and eat right. Come to find out my dear boyfriend who watches me workout and doesn't eat all his calories Loses 4 freaking pounds and in now considered overweight and not obese... MEN!!! So we decided to have a little leniency on the weekends and enjoy a drink or 2 I know this prolly isn't the best way to go about my healthy lifestyle, but I am feeling like I am still young and I want to enjoy life while I can. It is different because I am not using it to drown my pain anymore, but more a way to relax and DE stress. Things are getting a little better at home since I have learned to stand up for myself, but there is still a lot of work that needs to be done. I have 29 years of programing that I need to work through. I am no longer living up to any ones expectations but my own, even if it means I must disown part of my family it is worth it to me, they bring me down and try to start BS and drama and I don't need that in my life, besides I think they are jealous because I am my own person now with no obligations and I don't let them walk all over me anymore and it scares them. I do what I want and I am working on myself because I want to be truly happy and little by little it finally happening.

Guess who's back, back again...

2010-05-13T11:14:00.000-07:00

Yes indeedy my lovely bloggers I am back with a vengeance! For two weeks I made poor decisions, I ate too much chocolate, we ate out at restaurants to much and I drank to much Bacardi and energy drinks mixed with Pepsi one. Thing is that I could have done worse considering all the stress and things that were going on in my head these last few weeks. I am proud of myself for not being to hard and knowing that I am human an entitled to make poor choices as long as I am accountable. I have got back into doing the 30 day shred yet again, I am on day three and I have really been pushing myself and doing things I couldn't before. My muscles are very sore, I have a hard time siting down and sleeping on my sides because my thighs hurt something fierce. My upper arms towards my armpits and a little towards the boobulos hurt too, but I like it. I'm working on my mental issues and I am trying to learn to stand up for myself and it is really hard for me and I don't know why. Sometimes I feel that no matter how many times I am told that I am better and worth more I just don't believe it deep down because of all the negative I have gotten from family and supposed friends. Those are the main things I need to work on because they are weighing me down. My parents have gotten worse and I need to just learn to stand up to them because I really don't like the stress they put me under and it is high time that I start putting myself First!!!

2 weeks of crap eating...

2010-05-07T08:23:00.000-07:00

I have been struggling a lot these past few weeks. I have gone even over my Maintenance calories for at lest 5 of those days. I am having issues with loosing faith in humanity, as it seems like everyone is out to back stab me and let me down. My b-day kinda sucked but I guess I am getting older and it shouldn't matter. I did get my tattoo, but its not finished and I am still in so much pain. Getting it finished and the other one when it is healed. I am up .5 pounds on the scale today, but its OK because I know I have been making terrible choices and I have not had a BM in a few days so that is contributing to it as well. So anyways that's about all I can muster up to type like I said I'm feeling down and out and lonely.

Today is my B-Day!!!

2010-05-05T08:40:00.000-07:00

Today is my Birthday and I am officially 29 years old. Wow it feels so weird to type it let alone say it out loud. I have great eats planned for today, breakfast is oatmeal with banana, lunch will be a salad with tuna and dinner is Grilled Chicken with homemade Chipotle BBQ sauce, Fresh grilled shrimp, Grilled Zucchini and squash and My low fat Homemade red potatoes salad. Maybe a shot or 2 of tequila or rum with amp but that's a maybe.

I am going to get 2 tattoo's today and I am excited that I had a hard time sleeping last night. I felt like a child on Christmas eve LOL. I'm stopping at Starbucks on the way and getting a Venti Iced Americano with a little nonfat milk, to share with my honey. Well I hope that everyone has a great CINCO DE MAYO!!!

Check out this giveaway over at She-Fit

2010-05-04T19:12:00.000-07:00

Check out this awesome giveaway over at she fit...http://she-fit.com/vitalicious-vitatop-giveaway/comment-page-2/#comment-1522

Just needing to Vent...

2010-04-29T13:26:00.001-07:00

Well at least I sorted out why things have been going so shitty lately other than the stress. Its my monthly visit started this morning which is why I have been eating so much chocolate and why I went crazy at lunch yesterday. I also have been dealing with some other issues that I am kinda iffy about mentioning but I feel if I keep them in then I will explode. I am having issues with Facebook, not the site itself, but issues with the fact that my honey talks to all the girls from his past and is always commenting and leaving them messages and my posts and things always go UN noticed by him. When his friends leave messages about me he doesn't even comment its like he ignores it. I feel like crap and I have so many self esteem issues already that this doesn't help at all. If I mention anything to him at all he gets all pissy and says "Fine I'm just going to delete my entire account, then there will be no issues". That isn't it at all so I cannot talk to him about it and I have no one else to talk to so I let it sit and stew and I just start feeling more and more like I don't matter. I think he would say that we talk face to face all day everyday so there isn't anything really to talk about or that the other doesn't know, but that is besides the point. I'm just all screwed up with emotions right now, don't know why it happens every month. Hoping that the weekend will be better :)

Its been a bad bad couple of days

2010-04-28T22:12:00.000-07:00

Things have been crazy stressful as of late and I am going nuts. I have been binge eating and not doing any exercises. Today we went to lunch at Chevy's and I ate 3 baskets of chips and salsa, an entire Santa Fe chopped salad with Bacon, 2 oz of cheese and Apple chipotle vinaigrette and I also helped finish off my moms sizzling fajita plate and all the sour cream and Guac for the sides. I don't know what got into me but I have gone over my calories for 3 days now with all the wrong foods. I was doing so good, i let loose for 1 day this weekend and it just been all hell broke lose since then... I am hungry and will not eat because I had enough today and I am sick and I have a headache. I don't know why I do this to myself, I can do good for so long then BAM I just go off the deep end. I need mental help still to deal with my issues but still cannot find any resources for free in Sacramento with this shitty ass health care we have! Uggg Just a bad bad day for me, oh i went to the Dr today to follow up on my Ovarian Cysts and that is another freaking story I don't want to get into but good news is they are shrinking and hopefully will eventually go away.

The sun has come back to Sac!

2010-04-22T15:59:00.000-07:00

The sun is shining and it felt so good to get out today. Did a 3.22 mile walk and it felt amazing I even did small spurts of running. Not much for me its an accomplishment because I do not remember the last time i was able to run :) The sunny weather is expected to last through the weekend and I am looking forward to it! I decided that I was going to go on maintenance calories for a couple of days while I get back into the swing of things and 1230 calories a day is not enough for me I have been so hungry and not being able to get out just made it worse. I been doing good tho I didn't go over those calories but i am also not looking for a loss on the scale tomorrow. Anything is possible though so who knows. I have been feeding my body the best foods I know it craves and loves me back for eating. I need to drink more water tho and it has been hard because my "Chuggie" that is as big as 8 full glasses of water and is PBA free plastic always smells like mold despite cleaning it with a bottle brush. So I have been just using my smaller bottles and my new Eco friendly stainless one but it is still hard to keep filling it and the water jug to filter all day lol... Lousy excuse I know but can you blame me?

Did I lose my Followers?

2010-04-21T11:09:00.000-07:00

I think I have been away for too long, or I'm just not writing interesting enough posts. I have always thought of myself as a good writer but I can never come up with catchy post titles LOL. It has been rainy here and somewhat miserable but that's the way life goes and I am just trying to make the best of it. Having lunch with my mom today so I need to get going to prepare it. I have convinced her to start using Nutrimirror and tho she is not getting the whole concept of balance she is still doing so much better with her eating. I have become more open to cooking and making things from scratch and it makes me more relaxed when I am in the kitchen making stuff and preparing. Sorry for such a short post but I got to get my but off this chair and get moving!

60 minutes of activity today!!

2010-04-20T15:13:00.000-07:00

I did 16 minutes of bike riding, as it has been miserable and stormy here. The clouds broke for a calming few minutes but a new front was moving in fast and I did not want to be caught up in it. It is time to do a few minutes on the elliptical and then stretching and my aerobics videos. Not what I had in mind for today but the storm has put a damper on my 1 hour or more bike ride :(

I have been missing out :(

2010-04-18T21:45:00.000-07:00

Hello lovely bloggers, hope you all had a great weekend. I have been having some tummy issues so eating has not been great and getting exercise last week was eh. I gained a pound but I went 5 days without a BM and then I had some icky stuff going on when I finally got to go. So as a distress er i decided to draw a hot bubble bath with a stress relief candle and soak. WOW have I been missing out on a really enjoyable pleasure. The idea of soaking in water that you get into with whatever funk is on your body always turned me off to baths, that and the fact that I could never fit into a tub. I am looking at it in a whole new light because I truly enjoyed it and I cannot remember a time that i was that relaxed and stress free. I see more of those bubble baths in my future.
Tonight dinner was so good, we had grilled Chicken Breast with a Mango pineapple salsa I made from scratch and it tasted so good. I also made an oven roasted sweet potatoes dish that was also good too. I will give you the recipe just in case you might want to give it a try. Also my Loving Honey made a Pizza for dinner on Saturday That was KICKIN!!! It was 4oz of TJ's Garlic and Herb pizza dough (enough for a personal 6 inch pizza) With homemade sauce from fresh tomatoes, basil and garlic and Italian onion. The toppings were fresh green onion, fresh mushrooms, fresh black olives, fresh fire roasted red bell peppers and more Italian onion, and cant forget the Shredded Pizza cheese and all for 300 calories :)

Mango salsa
1/2c Diced fresh Mango
1/2c Chunk Pineapple
1-2 cloves of garlic (more of less to taste)
1 tsp fresh chopped ginger root (more of less to taste)
1 tbsp both cilantro and basil ( more or less to taste)
1/2-1 Fresh Jalapeno or other type of hot peeper
1/4c chopped Fire Roasted Red Peeper (optional, you can use fresh bell peeper too)
Juice of a small to med lime

mix into bowl and chill for 1-2 hours and serve however you like it!

Oven Roasted Sweet Potatoes :
Preheat oven to 500
2-3 pounds of Sweet Potatoes with skin
1tbsp EVOO
5-6 Cloves of Garlic
1tsp Garlic powder
1tsp Paprika
1/4tsp of peeper

Chop potatoes in skin and place in bowl big enough to toss ( or put the lid on and shake)
add the Tbsp of EVOO and garlic along with spices and seasonings toss to coat well
Spray a baking sheet with EVOO or other nonstick cooking spray and bake for 20 minutes
stirring potatoes half way through. Broil for 2 minutes and enjoy

The Dreary weather made me do it...

2010-04-12T18:05:00.000-07:00

I was so excited on Friday, it started out as a great day. But because I didn't plan on getting a Tattoo (it was a surprise) it kinda threw my whole planned eating out the window. I had planned to make fish and brown rice with veggies as I do every Friday but I had arrived home to late to cook. There was too much time in between eating that I ended up eating too much and having way to much chocolate. This continued on into the weekend and on Sunday I decided to see where I was weight wise, up 2 frig en pounds. The weather has been shitty and therefore I'm in a bad place, I haven't worked out and I have been binging on full fat cheese and lots of Easter chocolate (those are my 2 vices, cheese and chocolate). My body is feeling it and so is my cloudy mind despite my efforts to get back on track this week. Went to the mall and walked around and shopped for 2 hours, I found my Goal bathing suite and I had to freaking have it (as I always kick myself in the rear when I don't get something I really really like). Problem is it is a String/halter bikini and I am in no way ready to bare this flab with my tattas n rolls hanging out of it. So I guess I must put my nose to the stone and Kick it back into gear so that just maybe by July or August I could wear it...

Here it is, in all its glory (see why I had to have it?) and me not so much lol

Speaking of Tattoo's I got one and Im Down 124 pounds as of today!

2010-04-09T20:35:00.000-07:00

Woo Hoo today has been a great day for sure. Morning WI results 176 pounds!!! I am down 124 pounds,damn that is another person. I also got a surprise today from a long time friend who I consider a sister and her mom ( i call her mom too) An early b-day present from my Honey who I adore so much :)

here it is :

Tattoos and make-up, Oh my!

2010-04-08T09:33:00.000-07:00

Everywhere I look there are new tattoo's and talk about makeup... I want a new tattoo and I think that will be my reward when I hit my goal. I know I am getting a new one for my b-day but its an addition to the paw prints I have on my calf. Any who, I have always used Avon makeup, I love it because it works for me. But allot of talk has been going on about MAC an Sephoria, expensive but worth it in my opinion. My thing is that I have great skin aside from the huge pores (me being my own worst critic again) and I am worried about trying another foundation because I tend to break out. I have been using the Sheer Cover stuff, and I am not impressed. I want to try the MAC out but I don't know which one to try as there are so many. I am on a tight budget so If I get something its gotta really work, so any suggestions would be great (please include the actual type of foundation, like liquid, or mineral powder etc.... I be confused. I have tried the Avon mineral powder and it just doesn't cover like a liquid does.
I will stick with using my Avon Eye shadows and such because they are perfect for me. I Love mascara and must have tried all of them, side from the more expensive ones, and Id have to say that none of them really work like they say they do. I am using the Max factor 2000 calorie one but they no longer sell it in the US. Guess I will have to delve deeper into whats out there!! \
I am still on track and loving the nice weather we are having it is great. Did 12 miles on bike yesterday and planning a morning walk and afternoon bike ride for today :)

as promised before and after pics, 1 yr

2010-04-07T10:57:00.002-07:00

There you have it my 1 yr updated pictures... as always I don't see a difference but I was about 205 in the April 09 and 178 in the new ones :)

Feeling Lazy about taking updated pics.

2010-04-06T21:25:00.000-07:00

OK I know I said that I would post updated regular pics but things have been crazy and I haven't gotten around to taking any new ones. Today I did spring cleaning on the Office and closet. Did a 1 hr walk this morning that felt great, my eating is back on track *Easter was not good to me*. I have to be up at the but crack of dawn to get some things taken care of, good thing about it tho is I get to make a special trip to Trader Joe's! Too bad I am broke, but I can still look around and see what goodies they have that I can always go back and get when I have the moneys. maybe I will Take some pics tomorrow If I am feeling froggy enough :)

Updated Before and After Body Pics

2010-04-03T11:48:00.000-07:00

Here are the updated body pictures from March of last year to now :)... I'm still searching my HD's for regular pictures from April 09 to post for later :) Stay tuned...

BTW I don't see much of a difference and I hate this saggy skin :(

What a great way to start off the weekend :)

2010-04-02T13:06:00.001-07:00

Well here it is the close of another week and I am Proud to report a 1 pound loss. I am at 178 pounds the smallest I have been since my early Teens. I even have TOM visiting and I can feel the bloat and retention. Although with the clean eating I feel so much better, my PMS has been mild and that is a huge change. I did binge 1 day but it wasn't too bad and that was the end of it. I am really enjoying how I feel and my body is changing allot and I love it. I still have some loose skin and issues with the flab on my back/lower back butt all in all I am happy with the progress. I feel that I need to weight train more to see better results and to replace the fat I still have with the lean muscle. I am confused on what workouts to do to see some toning in my back areas where I am most concerned. I will be posting new pictures up this weekend to compare with the ones I took last year around this time. Hope that everyone has a great Friday and a awesome weekend!

Anonymous comments?

2010-04-01T13:16:00.000-07:00

You know those "anonymous" comments you get? How do you find out the Ip address of whom they came from?

I hate TOM

2010-03-30T18:53:00.000-07:00

So I am totally going to start my Monthly here in a few days. I'm on my "brown" BC pills, I'm bitchy and no matter what I eat I am still hungry. Blah I have been doing so well and now I'm binging and want to eat everything in sight. I'm also fatigued and my body aches I hate everything and I just want to go to sleep!

A Cool Giveway from a fellow Blogger!

2010-03-29T09:18:00.000-07:00

Hey fellow blogger, go visit http://tonysdietlog.blogspot.com/ for an awesome kettle ball giveaway. He is also a very imaginative writer so follow him!

Should I stick up for myself or walk away?

2010-03-28T09:35:00.000-07:00

Not really so much weight loss related today but I need to get some things off my chest before I pop. I Love my parents and I am thankful that they are letting me live her still, but I feel like a House Bitch. I do everything and I get yelled at for doing it. My dad has the worst attitude and even yesterday we were talking about saving a little money and walking somewhere, my mom said that were just going to park in the garage, I was like "we will have to pay" My dad said "oh SHUT UP" real mean. OK first off he has no right to talk to me that way and treat me like dirt, yes they let me live here, But my bf pays for our Internet, cell phones, I buy all the food for the house and mine and my Bf necessities, we don't watch t.v. I cook everyday and I clean and do dishes. Whenever we want to do something it is a problem, we can't go out to dinner or have a date night. They even have problems when we go for a walk and bike ride.
I'm more frustrated because my dad knows I cook breakfast every morning at 9am and today he decides to take the stove apart and take his sweet time cleaning it because I asked mom if she wanted Oatmeal.* sigh* I been in a funk all weekend and I think that just kinds threw me in deeper. My BF says that I should stand up for myself, but knowing my parents I just walk away and go in my room and have an attack when they do this shit to me. I am afraid they will kick me out if I ask for respect and put them in there place.

I have finally broke through the 180's, Im at 179 !!

2010-03-26T21:10:00.000-07:00

This week has been rather busy, lots of great eating, walking, working out and Biking. As a compliment to my S.Y.F.F.Z plan I have been eating clean. I feel fanfreakingtastic!! I have so much natural energy and I feel good about myself and my body. As a Plus I lost 5 pounds this week :) tho I feel some of that was due to my irregularity and over consumption of sodium the prior week. I bought the Tosco Reno Eating Clean Diet Recharged book and I am really enjoying it allot. I am finally tired at night, I sleep through the night more (minus the bathroom trips since I have increased my water intake as well). and I am awake at 8 am. it just feels so different to what I have felt in the past its like I am a totally different Person now and I love it!!

update to bad eats

2010-03-19T20:08:00.000-07:00

I decided to take it easy and go on a 4 mile bike ride closest to the house. This evening after dinner we took a 5 mile walk down to the park and walked around there and saw like 10 jack rabbits running around near the archery things. I feel better and I had a bowl of cereal because I was feeling hungry and it wasn't such a bad choice. Now comes the crazy weekend, up at 7am to run errands, pick up more corn cushions for me toe... which BTW my right foot (the one with the corn) has about 5 blisters on it... I'm guessing I have to take a break but I don't want to :( Also picking up Twilight: New Moon yayy!!!

Bad Eats

2010-03-19T13:31:00.001-07:00

So I had to get up at 6:30 am and take my but to the walk in GYNO clinic, only to find out they don't open until 8am. Sat there for hours waiting to be seen feeling nauseous and hungry. I had a Luna Bar at 7 but that was more like a snack for me. We decided to go to Denny's and have Brunch, which was OK because I ordered 2 egg whites, whole wheat pancakes and 1 chicken sausage patty. I had to have those new pancake puppies with blueberries and I shared them with my honey. My sodium for today is off the hook and I have not even had lunch or dinner and I'm well into 800 calories for Bkfst alone :(. Dr wants me to take it easy, no jumping, bouncing running, jogging or vigorous sex... I;m disappointed about not being able to do cardio and I am afraid to go biking now because she said that pressure may make the other Cyst rupture as well... So I guess that I am screwed for trying to make better choices, but forgetting that even the Healthier choices have tons of fat, calories and sodium at any restaurant. Someday I will learn I'm not going to beat myself up, but I'm still upset because I am tired feeling run down and I cannot do cardio to burn this crap off...

Weekly update :)

2010-03-17T19:29:00.000-07:00

I broke down this past weekend and had Chinese food. I had figured sharing a pint of Chicken chow mien, Orange chicken and Chicken with zucchini wouldn't hurt. Boy was I wrong, I don't usually weigh myself during the week anymore but i figured that I should see where i was. I wish I hadn't tho because it said 187 pounds, that is 6 pounds up from My WI on Friday. I chalk it up to the Sodium and the MSG that was in it. I have otherwise been great with my eating and been walking, biking and working out everyday except Sunday. I have noticed that when I change around some of the foods or substitute them from what Denise has in her book, I find myself eating less calories and or feeling hungry and eating things I normally wouldn't. But I am still sticking with it and tailoring it as I see fit for what I have on hand and what others will eat. I have noticed that my tummy and lower back is getting firmer which is a plus. I got a corn on my right foot on the toe between my pinkie and third toe and it freaking hurts. I never has problems before and i love my Nike tennies so I am thinking it was from the crappy socks I bought at wal mart. I got some corn remover stuff and the cushions to wear so that I can still walk, bike etc. I just hope it goes away and doesn't become infected.

2 pounds down this week

2010-03-13T15:30:00.000-08:00

Had a busy day today, it was fun and nice just wish it would have lasted longer. I have lost 2 pounds and 1 inch off my waist so far. I feel so great when I eat right and move and that makes me feel better about where I am at in my life right now. My family has so many health problems that it scares me and I know that hopefully allot will be prevented if I take care of myself. The sun is shinning outside and it looks great, a little on the cooler side but I want to go out and enjoy it!!

Doing good this week :)

2010-03-10T13:34:00.000-08:00

I'm doing good on the S.Y.F.F.Z Ive been real good with the eating and have not been hungry. Staying around 1400 calories and been sticking to the walking and working out. Ive chose to work out in the evenings after 9pm because that is the time I can have the living room to myself and have the room to actually move in.

Moday, first day on the program

2010-03-08T09:44:00.000-08:00

I am starting on my Shrink Your Female Fat Zones Program today. Breakfast was good a nice healthy fruit smoothie and 1 piece of Extra fiber toast and 1 tsp of spread. Time for my morning walk then my Monday workout. I'm feeling optimistic about this and I am hopeful that I can stick with it. Wish me luck!!

Sticking with something?

2010-03-04T13:24:00.000-08:00

Now that I am feeling better it is time to get back to it. I have been doing well with eating and i feel that my tummy has shrunk and isn't as bloated as it was before. My Goal is to actually stick with a program and I mean really stick with it. I have tried doing the Denise Austin daily dozen and I saw Great results but I never stuck with it, Ive tried the 30 day shred for about 9 days and didn't stick with that. This time I am going to follow the Shrink Your Female Fat Zones program by Denise Austin. I have the Workout DVD and the book. It is nice because all it requires is Stretching 3 times a day, 25 minute walk and 15 minutes of your targeted "zone". Lets just see if I can stick to this, It would be good and I would feel so accomplished to actually stick with something that works. For the most part I have tried to cut out the unnecessary sugars, I mean it is hard and I still eat cereal and I had Chocolate chip fiber one pancakes. But I have been really good about not having cookies or candy it will be a week on Friday that I haven't had any of this junk. I have been eating allot of Carbs, but in the means of Whole grain cereal, Whole wheat pasta and potatoes. For me it is hard to watch the carbs because I have always had a protein, starch and a veggie with dinner all my life and its just the way it is. I really love my cereal or Oatmeal or fiber one pancakes in the mornings, and I try to watch the carbs and if I get them they are usually the ones that are better for you... But a carb is a carb is a carb LOL...
Started of the day with a nice breakfast, a stretch and a 28 minute morning walk, followed by a nice half salad at Applebees with good company. I just hope that the rest of the day and evening go well as they hardly ever do these days.

What a weekend :)

2010-02-28T16:04:00.000-08:00

So I got a phone call today from my x boyfriend, now I'm not going into details but I have known him since I was 14. I have mixed emotions and it sucks, I mean I will always care for him as he was the first man I ever really lived with and spent much time with. He is doing well hasn't really changed much, but still it is so weird having talked to him.
Other than that things have been OK, yesterday we went to my 16 year old nephews Surprise b-day party at a Pizzeria... There was so much food, I had a big plate of antipasto salad minus the salami, with olive oil and vinegar dressing. 1 slice of veggie pizza a small serving of pasta with meat sauce and a 1/2 of a piece of chocolate cake -frosting and 1/2 of the fruit basket cake with a little whip cream. I did well considering and tho the Dr said to get rest and take it easy I haven't seen most of my family in a long time so it was nice. Aunt flow came to visit today so I am dreading that on top of my other issues. I have been thinking that I really truly need to get back on track and get my health issues under control. It will be hard with having to rest and take it easy because I don't see my regular Dr until the 9Th of March.

I had an Ovarian Cyst rupture last night :(

2010-02-27T13:55:00.000-08:00

Well I spent most of last night and early morning in the ER again. This time I have 2 Ovarian cysts and one of them suckers Ruptured, and it hurt like nothing else. I was laying in bed doubled over screaming and on the verge of vomiting from the pain. I'm on rest no exercises and I have to take vicodin and Motrin for the pain and inflammation. Sad thing is that I cannot pick up my meds until Monday so I have to take 1/2 the norco I have and 2 200mg Ibuprofen until then. I'm scared and stressed out but I know its not going to help me, now more than anything I have to stick with it. Following up with my Dr on the 9Th of march...

30 day detox programme

2010-02-25T18:29:00.000-08:00

I have really been working to get back on track, but no matter what I cannot fight this feeling of being hungry all the time. I do really well until about 4pm then I just cannot fight the cravings and I binge out on cookies, junk and candy and them I am even more hungry afterwards.
Also I almost burnt down the house today because I forgot I had a frying pan with canola oil in it on the highest setting and I walked away and forgot about it... it caught fire 3 times and I was so scared an my poor mom was almost having a heart attack. Ive been in a fog for awhile now and I don't like it. I have been giving allot of thought to a 30 day detox programme. I am limited in what I can eat and allot of it I have never made or had before... I plan to start on March 1st and here is a list of the foods I can eat my first week:

Brown rice,quinoa,millet,buckwheat, including their flours,flakes and egg free pastas
Rice cakes and crackers, puffed rice cereal
fresh fruits and veggies, excluding ones of the potatoe family, and tomatoes peppers and aubergines.
Fresh herbs and caffeine free natural teas
fresh fish,frozen or tinned in water
rice milk without additives ( i could make my own)
lemons and limes for flavoring
a little Olive Oil
WATER...

Things are looking up :)

2010-02-25T12:45:00.000-08:00

Things have been good, a little bit of stress here and there but overall and improvement over the beginning of this month. Been going for a morning walk all week and plan to continue until the weather gets better for bike rides. I am looking forward to March and praying it will be a better month.

I bought a live basil plant but dont know what to do with it?

2010-02-22T15:28:00.000-08:00

Like the title of this post says, I bought it at Bel air because I love fresh basil and have some frozen and it is hard to use. But there are no instructions on the plant other than to keep the roots moist and partial sunlight. Went to the Website and they say not to transplant it because it will die... what do I do to keep it growing? its in a little plastic pot with the roots exposed on the bottom... I am no green thumb and I have killed every plant I ever got.

Back on track :)

2010-02-21T17:04:00.001-08:00

I started off the morning with a bowl of cereal with a half banana and a Morning walk. I am already feeling better, and back on track with eating. It is hard because my body is used to the calories Ive been consuming that I constantly feel hungry but I know I am not. My body is getting the right nutrition and vitamins and minerals. The weather has been crappy and cold but I am not letting that get in my way anymore. Thanks to all who believe me because I know that I can get back on track for good and get to my goals!!

I has new followers cheers Yayy!!!

2010-02-20T10:25:00.000-08:00

Wow so many new followers, Welcome to my Journey Please feel free to be honest and leave your tips and advice or what have you on my Posts. I hope that everyone is enjoying their weekends.
I have been trying to get back on track, but haven't been doing so well. Went over my calories by 1200 2 days in a row. I'm trying tho and I know I can do this because I need to get back on track so that I can feel better and Heal. Thanks everyone for your support YOU ALL ROCK!!!

Thank you for your comments...

2010-02-19T09:46:00.000-08:00

Thanks for all you comments on my last post... I read them all and I would like to say that I just wonder if I am her for others then why do I make those around me just as miserable as me, and why would God leave me here to do that? I hate my life right now and more then I have in the past.. I cannot afford to get help, no one in my family gives a shit and no one will help me... So again I just want to know why God won't take me because I dont want to be here anymore!!

What is my purpose in life?

2010-02-18T15:40:00.000-08:00

Have you ever sat down and really thought and wondered what your purpose was in life? I sat up half the night honestly thinking what I am her for, I mean here I am going on 29 still living at home, Haven't had a job since 2000, Cant get one,Have no friends or social life, no one in my family besides my Aunt talks to me the rest hate me, I have no children and feel strongly that I may never have any. I am mentally Unstable to say the least as I have bi-polar disorder and I also have severe personality disorder as well.Tho I have a BF we've been together for 5 years and I feel that he has no intention of ever marrying me or us ever have a real life together with carrers, and children, as I see us still living off my parents until were old and Gray. The one true bond I had with someone has been broken as my Kahlua bug is gone now. So I ask again why am I here what is my purpose in life?...

Happy Valentines day fellow bloggers!

2010-02-14T09:44:00.000-08:00

Just a little happy valentines to you all! Hoping that everyone has a good time and enjoys their day/evening :)

In loving memory

2010-02-13T09:23:00.000-08:00

going to pick up my baby Kahlua this morning from the crematorium I am sad and I know I will most likely fall apart but I am glad that I can finally bring her home where she belongs. It has been 1 week and it is still very hard. I am going to try and focus on treating my body better so that I can heal, easier said then done.

Food and Emotions...

2010-02-12T22:29:00.000-08:00

So I am wondering why stress and heartache has such an impact on how and what we eat? I feel like crap emotionally and Physically. I have been eating so much crap that I have not had in so long and I am getting tired of it, but it does kinda makes me feel better... I want to get back on track, but I am still dealing with the loss of my Beloved Kahlua and it hurts. I have too many emotions and I am having such a hard time dealing with this, that food seems to be the answer right about now. I don't want to gain anymore weight but I fear that I will its also so hard when everyone around you is dealing with stress and loss by eating Junk foods, eating too large of portions and drinking Soda...

I lost my best friend and now I am lost in life...

2010-02-12T15:54:00.001-08:00

Ive been so lost these last few weeks, as I have written before my dog Kahlua had fallen ill. Saturday the 6Th of February I had to make that dreadful decision to put my dog down. It has been so very hard to live without her as she was my one and only true best friend. I don't Deny any ones bond with there animal but mine with Kahlua has been special and was oh so different. I brought her home when she was only 5 weeks, i saved her from getting put down as a pup. We were not going to keep her, but we ended up and I believe that it was meant to be. She saved my life back when I was younger and tried to kill myself, and though I was so screwed up on drugs and whatnot I made it all up to her these last 6 years. She lived a good life, she was more spoiled than any dog or human for that matter and we were so close the last one and a half years of her life. I miss her dearly and I still have trouble with every day things because she was here and a part of me for 9 years. I have gained 10 pounds and I know that I am dealing with allot I cannot seem to really do much. Too many things remind me of her, especially walking and working out because she was always with me. My parents are struggling really bad right now and we may be homeless as they somehow owe 39 thousand dollars in taxes because there house foreclosed last year and they owed 290 thousand and it was barely worth 70... Things are not going well between me and my boyfriend right now, He is having a hard time dealing with the fact that I am lost and so emotional after loosing my best friend. I also think it is because he knows that him or anyone else will never mean as much to me as Kahlua did, but that doesn't give him the right to be mean to me and act like a Jerk. Sometimes I think that he doesn't even care about me and it sucks. Since he has quit smoking all he does is eat, and it sucks because he has gained allot of weight and is eating really crappy and not doing much else but sitting in front of his computer all day and snacking. That is how I ended up gaining so much weight and ended up at 300 pounds. I don't want that to happen again, but how can I deal with all this shit at once and not find comfort in food. I mean I lost my only best friend, I have no one to talk to, because as I have found out I have no real true friends, not one person has been there for me while going thru all this, aside from my Bf and my Online friends over at FB, and that is really sad...

I have had enough already, cannot catch a break. My heart is breaking :(

2010-01-28T15:07:00.000-08:00

So as if I don't already have enough on my plate, something else gets thrown at me. So far 2010 has sucked royal balls. I;m so devastated right now that I'm wondering around aimlessly trying not to think the worst, tho for me that is very hard. We had to my Dog Kahlua back to vet because she was getting worse with her coughing and was showing other symptoms that concerned us. We had an X-ray of her chest done yesterday, the Dr said it looked like she was developing Bronchitis, and that maybe the original Diagnoses wasn't Kennel cough at all. The price of the x-ray included the findings from a radiologist. The vet called us this morning with some not so great news, she said the radiologist found some things that he was concerned about, either she has a very bad case of bronchitis or she has cancer that formed elsewhere in her body and has spread to the lungs. She suggested to run some blood tests more x-rays and Ultrasounds. I Love my dog very much, but right now we cannot afford that, and with that she said even if we did find anything, usually when it is found in the lungs it is to late and the prognoses isn't good. Basically she said we should put her down. Now I don't want my dog to suffer, and as of right now other then the coughing and wanting to sleep allot, she doesn't appear to be stressed, she eats and drinks and loves attention and her snacks. We are going to continue with the Antibiotics and Pray for the best, if it clears up and she gets better (which I want more than anything) then it was just a bad case of Bronchitis, but if not then it is my worst fear. I know that she has lead a great life she is 9 years old, she is spoiled and well loved and taken care of. I saved her from getting put down when she was 5 weeks old and we have loved her well and will continue to love her. I'm so torn up right now and dealing with my emotions are hard for me, before I would turn to Drugs or Alcohol and that is not an option for me, but I want to eat and eat and eat to stuff my feelings and emotions down. Scary that I know the drugs and drinking will only mask the pain, and will only be more detrimental in the long run, and I know eating will do the same, and so far I have been OK, but I don't know how long I can keep myself from binging out...

The Diagnosses is in (if u want to call it that)

2010-01-26T09:19:00.000-08:00

Went to the ER , they did blood tests, Ultrasounds and a physical exam. Dr said the ultrasounds came back looking good with no signs of anything abnormal. He said its possible It could be related to IBS, but because it is in my upper stomach area and in my shoulder and seems to come on at night and after eating that it is most likely an Ulcer, the ER didnt really give me much advice other then he wrote a RX for nexium which is basically the same thing as the Prilosec RX strength I have been taking. I had to come home and read up about it so that I can heal and take care of it. He said the blood tests were normal, meaning that I'm not showing signs of the Bacteria that cause Ulcers. and I dont take NSAID very often, just maybe 3 times a month and its only 1 pill at a low dosage. Anyways I have been stressed about my dog kahlua an that is when they pain started. Im just going to focus on taking care of myself again, which is hard because I want to get out into nature and bike and walk and its has been non stop storms here. Well I think spring will be poping up before we know it. At least now I have an excuss for eating better and really watching what I eat (to my parents that is). Just wanted to keep you posted yesterday was a horrible day, in the ER from 7 am to 4 pm. no food no sleep and no medicine or water just 2 bags of IV fluids and Im scared to WI because I know that will affect my scale.

still not feeling well

2010-01-23T17:24:00.000-08:00

Still having stomach issues, want to go to the ER but dont want a huge bill. Taking myself to the county walk in clinic on monday first thing. I will let everyone know what happens, this sucks and I am scared as it has been 13 days.

Been away too long

2010-01-18T11:45:00.000-08:00

Sorry I have been MIA yet again and haven't blogged. Since Monday of last week I have had this pain full burning feeling in the pit of my stomach and on Friday it was really bad and i was just not doing well. I rode it out and Saturday it started to go away a bit and now its just kinda there. I lost my appetite and was forcing myself to eat crackers, so that was what I ate almost all weekend. I did have soup Sat night and some crazy bread from The pizza place. I am hesitant to go to the ER because for one it has gotten better and now it is just allot of gas, uncomfortable HB and indigestion and spasms ion my intestines. And if it turns out to be nothing like just IBS or a Ulcer then I am stuck paying a HUGE HOSP bill. So unless it doesn't go away or gets worse in a few days I am going to chalk it up to a horrible bout of IBS ( I was diagnosed with ibs at 16 for a similar situation) I hope to be back up to writing this week, Tho I wont be too active, because of weather and still not feeling 100% but my appetite is back and I am going to eat the best I can.

HFCS... it is in everything... Is there a way out?

2010-01-14T17:39:00.000-08:00

OK so after watching this video that was very Eye Opening and Informative it is on HFCS and Sugar it is called Sugar: The Bitter Truth http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBnniua6-oM I realized that everything I have been eating has it in there or at least a form of Corn Syrup.
SO what am I to do I cannot starve and I cannot throw out all the foods that we just bought because then we wouldn't have any food and we already used the food budget this month. So I have a huge dilemma, i know it is why I am fat and why my mom has Type 2 Diabetes I whole heatedly believe it. So then why will i continue to eat foods with it in it? Because it is in everything and the stuff that it isn't in is too expensive and ppl here will not eat it! Also how can I give up my Cereal in the AM that gives me 100% of my vitamins and minerals, my fiber and my Protein??? UGGG you see I am so confused now it is driving me nuts because I want to eat clean and rid my body of toxins and I cannot do that with all these foods with HFCS in them... Sad part is that when I lost the majority of my weight i was really watching what I was eating, cutting back on Processed foods, sugar, junk food and eating out and it was great. My family was supportive and they were all for eating better. But after a few months they decided to go back to eating the way they used to, leaving me and my hopes for a Healthier future in the dust. And here I am again wondering WTF I am going to do, because its not as easy for me now that they don't share my quest or views on food. Right now I am so confused its like really how am I ever going to get healthy if I can't do the things I want and buy the foods that my body needs and should be eating.. I know a little sugar in moderation isn't a bad thing, Ive cut out the soda and Fruit juice (aside from the Orange Juice) but now that HFCS is in all the Cereals I love, and are supposed to be good for you, spaghetti sauce, canned soups (which I don't eat much anyways) BREAD, Mustard. Mayo, Allot of different sauces, PEANUT BUTTER (broke my heart) and of course everything has Regular Sugar in it... If I had my own way I would eat everything the way nature intended it to be, raw or slightly steamed. I love whole grains but no one else does, the thing is, just because I buy the food for the house doesn't mean that i can buy what I want, I have to get what everyone will eat, and I cannot make myself separate food aside from my Couscous when they have noodles or rice....I'm ranting but that's what i seem to do allot and as of late This year has been SHIT and it just keeps getting WORSE!!!!

What a Relief...

2010-01-13T11:13:00.000-08:00

Phew am I feeling better, it's like a huge stress has been lifted from me. My Kahlua bug is OK, she has a upper resp. infection also known ans kennel cough. The office visit and exam was $45, they thought she might have heartworms so they tested it and that was $45 and the antibiotics were $12 so it was 105 with processing. Not too bad and my Wonderful Honey took care of it for me so I wouldn't have to worry about more CC payments. I just thank god that it isn't something far worse and that she is going to be OK! I still haven't got back on track, it is just so hard right now, I'm trying tho and that has to account for something! It was so Miserable yesterday, raining and pouring all night and right now its Cold but the sun is shinning... I think that calls for a walk :)

I'm loosing my mind right now, my Bug is sick and I dont know what to do :(

2010-01-11T13:30:00.000-08:00

OK so I am stressing hard right now, First off my Boyfriend is quiting smoking 2ND day today and yesterday was hell. by the end of the night I had a migraine from crying so much and ended up eating all you can eat and stuffing myself so bad that i had heartburn and Indigestion from hell. Second My Kahlua Bug is sick, I don't know what is wrong, you see she is eating, drinking, pooping and playing and is happy no signs of anything other then she keeps randomly choking and spiting up Flem with blood and what looks like Chunks of bloody things.. Not a good situation because none of us can afford to take her to the vet, I just took her for her skin a few months ago and it cost me almost 300 dollars that i don't have. I feel like a bad person, but what can I do... I mean she seems fine other than that, and we have all been sick so I am thinking it is just a cold or something... It is killing me that I cannot take her in, but I cant even take myself to get help outside of my 3 month visits at county. God I am such a bad person, its breaking my heart, Does anyone know of something I can do, maybe free or Low cost Vets in Sacramento, I mean Being as I used to work at a Vet Hosp years ago I know they will want to do blood tests and take X-rays which will cost thousands of dollars, My mom is the only one working right now and I am having to use the money I get from GA to pay for Kahlua's last Vet visit (gotta be responsible).. got I'm such a contradiction.. I'm so lost right now and rambling, my head is spinning... Please feel free to tell me I am a BAD PERSON!

Weigh In Results...

2010-01-08T11:18:00.000-08:00

Well weigh in went good today 182.5 pounds that is 4 pounds down from last week. I guess eating right does make a huge difference, I have been really watching the sodium to. I think that is what did me in the most over the holidays! Still hasn't been much on the exercise front I guess I am just waiting for the nice weather, because I cant seem to get my butt in gear and workout. I have been toying with starting the 30 day shred, but I'm still afraid that I will give up again and not complete it for the 4Th time. They say that whatever exercise you chose should be fun and enjoyable, and tho I like the results I feel like its a chore and that may be why I cannot stick to workout video's. I love the warmer months tho because I can get out and Bike ride and walk and swim and those for me are wonderfully enjoyable. Well I guess I am off to start my weekend Have a great Friday everyone.

Uggg, and I was doing so well :(

2010-01-07T11:46:00.000-08:00

Man I really started off the new year on great terms as far as taking care of myself, eating right and moving it. The weather was so nice on Monday, the sun was shinning and it was warmer. Went for a nice 2 mile walk up to the shopping center and back home and it felt great! Tuesday was OK eating was great and even tho it was so cold and gloomy out I went for a walk anyways. As for yesterday I was so depressed all I did was lay in bed and eat, I had 3000 calories and most was cheese and Chocolate, I feel so defeated. I am thankfully feeling better today, tho my day just kinda started so who knows what it will bring. I started TOM yesterday so I guess that accounts for why I was feeling the way I did. I did however see a dozen programs about weight loss and the Obesity epidemic in America, I learned some new things that could help me out allot. I thought that I had conquered my demons and got past the mental crap that was holding me back, but yesterday I realized that I didn't and it is all still there. They cut Mental health out of the county medical services as well as Social Security. So therefore if I need to see someone I have to pay out of pocket, and so unless they take LINT I'm sol and it sucks. I have been researching and calling everywhere with nothing and no help. I have really no friends to speak of that can help to just talk about things with other than my BF who is my best friend but he already knows and really cannot offer any more help. But that is understandable. So I am not beating myself up for slipping, it was one day and it isn't going to ruin anything as long as I can pick myself out of the stupor and press on!

2010

2010-01-01T17:19:00.000-08:00

I am starting the new year out right, I am taking care of myself. I have decided that it is time for me to take care of my body inside and out. I am tired of not feeling feminine enough or sexy, I am going to take care of my teeth, hair and skin as best i can. I mean why not I deserve it and my body deserves it. I have thrown out all the junk food and have been eating great for the last 2 days, I had some popcorn and a beer last night and I didn't feel guilty about it and I am proud of myself because I could have done so much worse. I am sick again so other then a walk up to the store and a Jaunt around the Bath & Body works store I have not got much in the way of exercise. But I am trying to move more and do things around the house again. As soon as i am feeling better and the weather permits I am getting back into my groove. I weighed in today and the scale read 186.5 so really I am only up 3 1/2 pounds from my weight before the holidays this is good news because I was pushing 200 the day after Christmas so I was getting worried. I chalked that up to the sodium and chocolate overload. My new Goal weight is 175 and if I continue to eat right and get exercise I could be there by march 2010. I am still struggling with the same issues as I have in the past, but I am putting my foot down and doing for me and if people don't like it then they can shove off. I am still slightly depressed but I feel like it is lifting from me allot, as I was so bad that I couldn't get out of bed there for awhile and I am enjoying life again. Logging my foods and here blogging. Here is to 2010 and the hopes that it will be a better year for everyone!!

Holidays and what not...

2009-12-21T17:38:00.000-08:00

It has been a long 14 days since I have logged anything or exercised. Have not blogged in those 14 days I gained 2.5 pounds, but with the way I have been eating and all the holiday food and sweets I am thankful that I have not gained more. I went shopping at the mall today and I felt like a 300 pound woman trying to shop in the skinny girl stores, the looks the lack of help was just enough to bring me down again. Now I am more than in titled to shop at these stores and the stuff in them does fit me. I got 2 pair of size 15 jeans at the wet seal for 16 bucks, you cannot beat that. Aside from the frustration of looks and what not I did have a good time shopping and just because I felt like a 300 pound woman does not mean I am. I am at 185.5 and I am going to try to get back on track, I mean I didn't really do to bad I still watch what I do eat, I have just been eating too many cookies and too much cheese. Those are my vices, I gave them both up and now I cannot get enough! With this weather and the holidays things have been tough but I am going to slowly get myself back into moving more and doing my videos. I have a Elliptical that has been sitting in my office since May 09 and I have used it maybe 6 times, I'm debating on whether or not I want to try and sell it since it is practically new, or use it. I don't want my Bf to have wasted a good chunk of money.

The shoes

2009-12-14T13:28:00.000-08:00

I have been sick, depressed and aunt flow has been visiting. Sucks havnt gotten anything done at all. managed to get a pic of my little black dress up LOL... here are the shoes and that is all for today.

up .5 pounds, Meh... and this weekends plans

2009-12-05T00:18:00.000-08:00

scale said 183 pounds, up .5 pounds... Is it really true that your muscles tear when you do strength training and weights and they hold on to water to repair? That is what it is then! Next Friday is a new week and I should be working on level 2 of my 30 day shred. Tomorrow is a shopping day with my aunt, when we go shopping we can be gone walking around for Hours and hours, I hope to burn allot of calories. Hope everyone has a great weekend!!!

Looking for healthy Substitutions for Holiday Baking...

2009-12-04T16:22:00.000-08:00

I am looking for Healthy substitutions to classic baking recipes... Preferably Chocolate chip cookies, oatmeal raisin, peanut butter and Sugar cookies. I know that I can sub 1/2 the flour with wheat and the Egg with whites, but what about oil/butter and sugar?? Any ideas would be helpful!!