I have had enough already, cannot catch a break. My heart is breaking :(

So as if I don't already have enough on my plate, something else gets thrown at me. So far 2010 has sucked royal balls. I;m so devastated right now that I'm wondering around aimlessly trying not to think the worst, tho for me that is very hard. We had to my Dog Kahlua back to vet because she was getting worse with her coughing and was showing other symptoms that concerned us. We had an X-ray of her chest done yesterday, the Dr said it looked like she was developing Bronchitis, and that maybe the original Diagnoses wasn't Kennel cough at all. The price of the x-ray included the findings from a radiologist. The vet called us this morning with some not so great news, she said the radiologist found some things that he was concerned about, either she has a very bad case of bronchitis or she has cancer that formed elsewhere in her body and has spread to the lungs. She suggested to run some blood tests more x-rays and Ultrasounds. I Love my dog very much, but right now we cannot afford that, and with that she said even if we did find anything, usually when it is found in the lungs it is to late and the prognoses isn't good. Basically she said we should put her down. Now I don't want my dog to suffer, and as of right now other then the coughing and wanting to sleep allot, she doesn't appear to be stressed, she eats and drinks and loves attention and her snacks. We are going to continue with the Antibiotics and Pray for the best, if it clears up and she gets better (which I want more than anything) then it was just a bad case of Bronchitis, but if not then it is my worst fear. I know that she has lead a great life she is 9 years old, she is spoiled and well loved and taken care of. I saved her from getting put down when she was 5 weeks old and we have loved her well and will continue to love her. I'm so torn up right now and dealing with my emotions are hard for me, before I would turn to Drugs or Alcohol and that is not an option for me, but I want to eat and eat and eat to stuff my feelings and emotions down. Scary that I know the drugs and drinking will only mask the pain, and will only be more detrimental in the long run, and I know eating will do the same, and so far I have been OK, but I don't know how long I can keep myself from binging out...

The Diagnosses is in (if u want to call it that)

Went to the ER , they did blood tests, Ultrasounds and a physical exam. Dr said the ultrasounds came back looking good with no signs of anything abnormal. He said its possible It could be related to IBS, but because it is in my upper stomach area and in my shoulder and seems to come on at night and after eating that it is most likely an Ulcer, the ER didnt really give me much advice other then he wrote a RX for nexium which is basically the same thing as the Prilosec RX strength I have been taking. I had to come home and read up about it so that I can heal and take care of it. He said the blood tests were normal, meaning that I'm not showing signs of the Bacteria that cause Ulcers. and I dont take NSAID very often, just maybe 3 times a month and its only 1 pill at a low dosage. Anyways I have been stressed about my dog kahlua an that is when they pain started. Im just going to focus on taking care of myself again, which is hard because I want to get out into nature and bike and walk and its has been non stop storms here. Well I think spring will be poping up before we know it. At least now I have an excuss for eating better and really watching what I eat (to my parents that is). Just wanted to keep you posted yesterday was a horrible day, in the ER from 7 am to 4 pm. no food no sleep and no medicine or water just 2 bags of IV fluids and Im scared to WI because I know that will affect my scale.

still not feeling well

Still having stomach issues, want to go to the ER but dont want a huge bill. Taking myself to the county walk in clinic on monday first thing. I will let everyone know what happens, this sucks and I am scared as it has been 13 days.

Been away too long

Sorry I have been MIA yet again and haven't blogged. Since Monday of last week I have had this pain full burning feeling in the pit of my stomach and on Friday it was really bad and i was just not doing well. I rode it out and Saturday it started to go away a bit and now its just kinda there. I lost my appetite and was forcing myself to eat crackers, so that was what I ate almost all weekend. I did have soup Sat night and some crazy bread from The pizza place. I am hesitant to go to the ER because for one it has gotten better and now it is just allot of gas, uncomfortable HB and indigestion and spasms ion my intestines. And if it turns out to be nothing like just IBS or a Ulcer then I am stuck paying a HUGE HOSP bill. So unless it doesn't go away or gets worse in a few days I am going to chalk it up to a horrible bout of IBS ( I was diagnosed with ibs at 16 for a similar situation) I hope to be back up to writing this week, Tho I wont be too active, because of weather and still not feeling 100% but my appetite is back and I am going to eat the best I can.

HFCS... it is in everything... Is there a way out?

OK so after watching this video that was very Eye Opening and Informative it is on HFCS and Sugar it is called Sugar: The Bitter Truth http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBnniua6-oM I realized that everything I have been eating has it in there or at least a form of Corn Syrup.
SO what am I to do I cannot starve and I cannot throw out all the foods that we just bought because then we wouldn't have any food and we already used the food budget this month. So I have a huge dilemma, i know it is why I am fat and why my mom has Type 2 Diabetes I whole heatedly believe it. So then why will i continue to eat foods with it in it? Because it is in everything and the stuff that it isn't in is too expensive and ppl here will not eat it! Also how can I give up my Cereal in the AM that gives me 100% of my vitamins and minerals, my fiber and my Protein??? UGGG you see I am so confused now it is driving me nuts because I want to eat clean and rid my body of toxins and I cannot do that with all these foods with HFCS in them... Sad part is that when I lost the majority of my weight i was really watching what I was eating, cutting back on Processed foods, sugar, junk food and eating out and it was great. My family was supportive and they were all for eating better. But after a few months they decided to go back to eating the way they used to, leaving me and my hopes for a Healthier future in the dust. And here I am again wondering WTF I am going to do, because its not as easy for me now that they don't share my quest or views on food. Right now I am so confused its like really how am I ever going to get healthy if I can't do the things I want and buy the foods that my body needs and should be eating.. I know a little sugar in moderation isn't a bad thing, Ive cut out the soda and Fruit juice (aside from the Orange Juice) but now that HFCS is in all the Cereals I love, and are supposed to be good for you, spaghetti sauce, canned soups (which I don't eat much anyways) BREAD, Mustard. Mayo, Allot of different sauces, PEANUT BUTTER (broke my heart) and of course everything has Regular Sugar in it... If I had my own way I would eat everything the way nature intended it to be, raw or slightly steamed. I love whole grains but no one else does, the thing is, just because I buy the food for the house doesn't mean that i can buy what I want, I have to get what everyone will eat, and I cannot make myself separate food aside from my Couscous when they have noodles or rice....I'm ranting but that's what i seem to do allot and as of late This year has been SHIT and it just keeps getting WORSE!!!!

What a Relief...

Phew am I feeling better, it's like a huge stress has been lifted from me. My Kahlua bug is OK, she has a upper resp. infection also known ans kennel cough. The office visit and exam was $45, they thought she might have heartworms so they tested it and that was $45 and the antibiotics were $12 so it was 105 with processing. Not too bad and my Wonderful Honey took care of it for me so I wouldn't have to worry about more CC payments. I just thank god that it isn't something far worse and that she is going to be OK! I still haven't got back on track, it is just so hard right now, I'm trying tho and that has to account for something! It was so Miserable yesterday, raining and pouring all night and right now its Cold but the sun is shinning... I think that calls for a walk :)

I'm loosing my mind right now, my Bug is sick and I dont know what to do :(

OK so I am stressing hard right now, First off my Boyfriend is quiting smoking 2ND day today and yesterday was hell. by the end of the night I had a migraine from crying so much and ended up eating all you can eat and stuffing myself so bad that i had heartburn and Indigestion from hell. Second My Kahlua Bug is sick, I don't know what is wrong, you see she is eating, drinking, pooping and playing and is happy no signs of anything other then she keeps randomly choking and spiting up Flem with blood and what looks like Chunks of bloody things.. Not a good situation because none of us can afford to take her to the vet, I just took her for her skin a few months ago and it cost me almost 300 dollars that i don't have. I feel like a bad person, but what can I do... I mean she seems fine other than that, and we have all been sick so I am thinking it is just a cold or something... It is killing me that I cannot take her in, but I cant even take myself to get help outside of my 3 month visits at county. God I am such a bad person, its breaking my heart, Does anyone know of something I can do, maybe free or Low cost Vets in Sacramento, I mean Being as I used to work at a Vet Hosp years ago I know they will want to do blood tests and take X-rays which will cost thousands of dollars, My mom is the only one working right now and I am having to use the money I get from GA to pay for Kahlua's last Vet visit (gotta be responsible).. got I'm such a contradiction.. I'm so lost right now and rambling, my head is spinning... Please feel free to tell me I am a BAD PERSON!

Weigh In Results...

Well weigh in went good today 182.5 pounds that is 4 pounds down from last week. I guess eating right does make a huge difference, I have been really watching the sodium to. I think that is what did me in the most over the holidays! Still hasn't been much on the exercise front I guess I am just waiting for the nice weather, because I cant seem to get my butt in gear and workout. I have been toying with starting the 30 day shred, but I'm still afraid that I will give up again and not complete it for the 4Th time. They say that whatever exercise you chose should be fun and enjoyable, and tho I like the results I feel like its a chore and that may be why I cannot stick to workout video's. I love the warmer months tho because I can get out and Bike ride and walk and swim and those for me are wonderfully enjoyable. Well I guess I am off to start my weekend Have a great Friday everyone.

Uggg, and I was doing so well :(

Man I really started off the new year on great terms as far as taking care of myself, eating right and moving it. The weather was so nice on Monday, the sun was shinning and it was warmer. Went for a nice 2 mile walk up to the shopping center and back home and it felt great! Tuesday was OK eating was great and even tho it was so cold and gloomy out I went for a walk anyways. As for yesterday I was so depressed all I did was lay in bed and eat, I had 3000 calories and most was cheese and Chocolate, I feel so defeated. I am thankfully feeling better today, tho my day just kinda started so who knows what it will bring. I started TOM yesterday so I guess that accounts for why I was feeling the way I did. I did however see a dozen programs about weight loss and the Obesity epidemic in America, I learned some new things that could help me out allot. I thought that I had conquered my demons and got past the mental crap that was holding me back, but yesterday I realized that I didn't and it is all still there. They cut Mental health out of the county medical services as well as Social Security. So therefore if I need to see someone I have to pay out of pocket, and so unless they take LINT I'm sol and it sucks. I have been researching and calling everywhere with nothing and no help. I have really no friends to speak of that can help to just talk about things with other than my BF who is my best friend but he already knows and really cannot offer any more help. But that is understandable. So I am not beating myself up for slipping, it was one day and it isn't going to ruin anything as long as I can pick myself out of the stupor and press on!

2010

I am starting the new year out right, I am taking care of myself. I have decided that it is time for me to take care of my body inside and out. I am tired of not feeling feminine enough or sexy, I am going to take care of my teeth, hair and skin as best i can. I mean why not I deserve it and my body deserves it. I have thrown out all the junk food and have been eating great for the last 2 days, I had some popcorn and a beer last night and I didn't feel guilty about it and I am proud of myself because I could have done so much worse. I am sick again so other then a walk up to the store and a Jaunt around the Bath & Body works store I have not got much in the way of exercise. But I am trying to move more and do things around the house again. As soon as i am feeling better and the weather permits I am getting back into my groove. I weighed in today and the scale read 186.5 so really I am only up 3 1/2 pounds from my weight before the holidays this is good news because I was pushing 200 the day after Christmas so I was getting worried. I chalked that up to the sodium and chocolate overload. My new Goal weight is 175 and if I continue to eat right and get exercise I could be there by march 2010. I am still struggling with the same issues as I have in the past, but I am putting my foot down and doing for me and if people don't like it then they can shove off. I am still slightly depressed but I feel like it is lifting from me allot, as I was so bad that I couldn't get out of bed there for awhile and I am enjoying life again. Logging my foods and here blogging. Here is to 2010 and the hopes that it will be a better year for everyone!!